789 How to Cope with the Body Snappers
Everyone is in an uproar about the new body scanners and pat downs at the airports. Here's a way around it. Hire security men who look like Sean Connery 30 years ago and women who look like the porn star Cody Lane today to do the searches. And for those who aren't into public sex, try for men who look like Ronald Reagan and women who look like Betty White. Or how about lookalikes for Barry White and Tyra Banks. Or Morgan Freeman and Oprah Winfrey. Who would object to a pat-down from James Bond, Cody or Tyra or Oprah or Morgan?
The whole thing seems like that gynecologist joke with the punch line "They wouldn't all look the same to me." It's tedious work, keeping our country safe for democracy, and once you've seen 150,000 pairs of breasts and 150,000 penises, it's all the same. These security agents don't give a damn about your size or shape. They care about their paychecks. They're just doing their job.
Note to passengers: we all look more or less alike under the rays of the body scanners. The TSA? That's another story. It helps along the notion that the Government Bureaucrats love invading our privacy. And this idea goes a long way to explaining why some people hate the government.
The various terrorist rings are not made of morons. They realize that even though "racial profiling" is likely in America, the average Arab in a Kafiya is no more likely to be a shoe bomber than the white granny in a wheel chair. If you were Bin Laden, who would you put on the plane to blow it up, some guy who looks like Arafat and smells like he hasn't bathed yet this year or a dignified, Armani-clad white guy with a crocodile leather briefcase? Or Grandma in the chair?
So, the TSA gives the MRI treatment to just about everyone. Deal with it. None of these Guardians of Our Safety cares whether you are a 36D or have a ten inch organ of reproduction. Anyone want to buy pictures?
--Speaking of airplanes and "Airplane!" -- a fond farewell to Leslie Nielsen, 84, once America's favorite TV bad guy, later one of America's favorite comic actors. He'll be remembered most for "Airplane!" and the various "Naked Gun" and "Police Squad" movies, but he was far more versatile than that. Rest in peace, Lt. Drebin.
--Are the North Koreans jealous of the war in Afghanistan and looking to re-make their own? The missile attack on South Korea looks like an act of envy more than an act of war. Unfortunately, acts both of envy and of war often result in the death of innocents. Fill some North Korean bellies that need filling and the whole thing will go away.
--How long you think Terry Collins will wear that chirpy optimism? In real life, the new manager of the NY Mets is a clone of the "Terrible Tempered Mister Bang." And his players will yawn and then strike out, as is appropriate for any Met since the days of Casey Stengel.
I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®