Tuesday, June 27, 2006

103 Toxic Schlock Awards - Radio

Time for our first annual Toxic Schlock Awards.

Frank Warner, the folk music collector always used to rail about “first annual” this and that’s because, he said, there was no basis for calling something “annual” until more than one had taken place.

Nuts. It’s going to happen every year, so think big.

This is the Wessays tribute to the greats of talk radio.

And because it’s a first, we have to recognize the most toxic of the past, hence the category

Posthumous Lifetime Achievement:

And this year, we have a tie. First, Joe Pyne who made nasty fashionable. Joe never met a guy he liked. (“…gargle with razor blades.”)

Second, Barry Gray, who really really started the whole thing. He also turned the Crown Heights, Brooklyn disturbances into a national issue, which it never really was. And over his long career, he was able to take every side of every issue.

Now, to the “regular” Lifetime Achievement Award. Here again, a tie. First, to Bob Grant who added blatant racism to the Pyne legacy which was, by comparison, subtle. (“David Dinkins… washroom attendant.”)

And the currently credited King of the Hill, Rush Limbaugh: Never let the facts get in the way… etc.

A tie for second place: Gene Burns one time Libertarian Party candidate for President. (lock up your sons.)

And Garrulous Keelover. (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

For Worst of the Recovering Addicts:

Sorry… another tie.

Don Imus and Rush. Maybe we shouldn’t be so fast about “recovered,” since “El Rushbo,” as he sometimes calls himself was caught blue-handed with prescription Viagra – but not in his own name.

For Worst of the Pluggers: Imus. We’ve heard enough about his ranch and his brother’s salsa sauce business.

For Worst In An Obscure Niche: Tom Keene of Bloomberg Radio, whom no one understands.

And now (drumroll) for Overall Worst of Breed:

The nominees are Rush Limbaugh, Bob Edwards and Michael Savage.

And the winner (fanfare) is Michael Savage who feigns intelligence and rationality but is actually Joe Pyne incarnate.

This program needs that woman with all the facelifts and the voice of nails-upon-glass to be standing on a red carpet in Hollywood introducing all the celebrities as they exit their limos and walk to the Kodak Theater.

We were trying to figure out how to honor the President, who doesn’t do a talk show but who is the source for so much of what happens during them.

He doesn’t do a talk show because he doesn’t actually TALK. If you listen carefully you’ll notice that the sounds he makes are more like heavy breathing than speech. The kind you hear during late night annoyance calls and horror movies.

It’s not hard to imagine him panting into a telephone at three in the morning “… Condi, I love the way you handled the press over Iraq today. What are you wearing?”

But, alas, the Awards Committee couldn’t figure out a way to honor The Great Man.

Another time, maybe.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

No comments: