Friday, February 15, 2008

Airbits

#360 Airbits

Today, some stuff that made it to the radio show, or eventually will, but is too short for a single-subject blog entry.

Item: A woman is suing Best Buy because it lost her thousand dollar laptop and compensated her with a $500 gift card and a new computer. The suit seeks $54 million.

Okay, so what would motivate someone to lodge a suit of that size over an issue that small? Easy. She's a genius who has discovered the secrets of the universe and all those secrets were on her lost laptop and she can't remember them, so the damage to her very special self was inestimable. Of course, she managed to estimate it, but that's just a figure. The real loss was the secrets of the universe, not only to her but to all of us.

So, really, this should be a multi billion dollar class action suit, because we're all affected. The payout could be better than the White house economic stimulous package without spending a single tax dollar.

Of course the store should have been more careful about where it put its repairs. And, of course it should have given her a new computer and some bucks. Five hundred wasn't enough. But 54 million? This woman, with or without secrets of the universe, is never going to see a payday like that if she lived to age 250.

The principle behind this lawsuit is "I'm so very special and you're so very bad, that only a huge chunk of your money can soothe me."

Guess what, lady. You're not THAT special.

What's truly surprising about this whole case is that the class action lawyers haven't figured it out yet.

Probably, they're out for a smoke.

(And thanks to the "Pipskippy" blog for the concept. Here's how he put it:)

http://pipskippy.blogspot.com/2007/11/holiday-message-you-are-not-special.html

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Item: A study says some fast food is bad for your liver, but helps build "good" cholesterol.

Oh, no. now what do we do.

There's something wrong here. Fast food is bad for your liver, but it raises your good cholesterol. The stars again are out of alignment.

You're supposed to wreck your liver with Jack and Coke.... not with Mac and fries.

And wait a minute... you mean if I wolf down a whopper and fries, my good cholesterol goes UP?

This is soooo confusing.

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Item: Forbes Magazine reports there are more medical scanning machines in the city of Pittsburgh than there are in all of Canada:

While we may be going to Canada to buy cheap drugs... it's obvious that Pittsburgh must be filled with illegal Canadian immigrants who come down to get cat scans of their heads.... possibly to find out why they are so boring.

And while they're in Pennsylvania, they take jobs away from the rest of us, because as we all know, Canadians will work for lower wages than those of us born here. Plus, they line up in front of Home Depot every morning and whistle boringly at our women.

Oh. Wait. They don't do any of that stuff. I made the whole thing up. Except the part about Pittsburgh having more MRI machines than all of Canada... and the part about us sneaking over the border to Canada to buy cheap drugs.

Of course, the department of homeland security is training a squad of German Shepherds to sniff out Lipitor Cauduet, Viagra and Prozac. The dogs will be targeting grey haired drivers of cars like the Taurus and the Camry and ESPECIALLY, Buick Le Sabres made before the year 2003.

This is demographic profiling. And if we seniors can play our cards right, we can probably win dandy amounts of money from the department of homeland insecurity and real estate protection. Might even get to keep a couple of those nifty drug sniffing dogs.

"Pull over, grandpa. We know you've got a secret compartment in that Renault... we're going to pull that piece of tin apart and find your stash."

"Oh officer, I'm glad you stopped me. Is there a rest room at this checkpoint?"
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Item: Here in Moot Point, PA, we have a school board that gets "input" from groups called "Citizens Advisory Committees." But citizens are not allowed to attend the meetings.
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Item: a Fox Sports reporter was Tasered during a DUI traffic stop.

This may be exactly what it seems to be. On the other hand, it may be that Fox has realized that some of its fair and balanced news types may be in serious need of electroshock therapy and is thus sending them out on the road where it looks like a simple episode of that fox stalwart, "COPS."

They are planning a series called "SHRINKS" but that was stalled during the writers strike.
"Wat-cha gonna do when they come for you, bad boy, bad boy."
Only now, instead of handcuffs and prowl cars, it's guys in white coats, carrying huge butterfly nets.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®
©2008 WJR
Pipskippy link is with the author's permission. But I STILL won't tell you who he is.

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