Wednesday, October 15, 2008

462Another Restaurant Annoyance or Two

462 Another Restaurant Annoyance

Yes, here comes another restaurant story. Let me set this up for you. First, the term "server" is an obnoxious synonym for "waiter." Let's understand that a gender neutral term for the person who brings your food should be coined. But "server," is, well, so servile. Let's use waiter and pretend it can be gender-irrelevant.

This story really starts at the end of the meal. You're finished with dinner, your plate is empty. The waiter comes over to clear the table. But instead of asking "okay if I clear the table?" or "okay if I take the dishes away?" They say "let me get that out of your way."

Out of my way? It's not really IN my way. It's a good place to put crumpled up napkins, or tooth picks or olive pits or 15 of the 16 onions that came with the entree.

Out of my way? "Why yes, please do. I'm expecting a small plane to land on the table and a plate wouldn't want the plane to crash into it."

"Why, yes, thank you, please do. My partner is outside ready to bring in the potter's wheel. We're going to spin some clay before we go."

"Why yes -- that's great. We're about to start a bridge game at the table."

"Why, yes, I have a drumming test at Julliard tomorrow and I need to practice."

What ever happened to "may I clear the table?"

The same thing that happened to "good choice, thank you," when you order.

The pre- meal equivalent of "let me get that out of your way" is "no problem."

"Waiter, may I have the Mexican Salad, please?"

"Sure. No problem."

What WOULD be a problem? Perhaps asking for salsa sauce without peppers, asking for roast dog."

"I'm sorry, sir, but the salsa sauce already has peppers in it, and the pieces are very small, so it's kind of hard to fish them out."

"Okay, then may I have ketchup instead of salsa?"

"No problem."

That's the end and the beginning. In the middle, the waiter will come over and ask "everything alright?"

Like what? "No, waiter, my left ankle itches and because the table is so close, I can't bend over to scratch it. Plus I owe my brother $5,000, I think a tooth is coming loose, and my arthritis is acting up."

"I'm sorry to hear all that, but I meant with the food. Everything taste okay?"

"Yeah, it's okay. But the salsa is kind of mild."

Shrapnel:

--Fat news: The guy in the Guinness Book as the world's heaviest man in 2006 has trimmed down to a lithe 730 and gotten married. Meantime the guy in Ohio who weighs a mere 267 pounds and said he was too fat to be executed -- was executed.

--A "that's rubbish" award goes Ringo Starr, the ex-Beatle who says he's sick and tired of answering fan mail and won't do so after October 20, 2008. Letters will be thrown in the trash unopened and unread. Sorry to bother you, Mr. Starr.

--Musical merchandise news. The industry says sales of amplifiers for accordions are soaring. Now instead of having to listen to "Lady of Spain" played badly and loud, we'll have to hear it badly and VERY loud.




I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.(r)
(C)WJR 2008

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