Monday, January 24, 2011

813 Memo From Philadelphia

813 Memo From Philadelphia

Comcast welcomes its new Com-castic and valuable employees at NBC. Here are some frequently asked questions and their answers.

1. Are you changing NBC’s name to the Comcast Broadcasting System?
Answer: No. We feel there could be some confusion between us and CBS if we do.

2. Is it true you’re going to make WCAU the flagship station?
Answer: That idea is under consideration. We also are thinking of renaming Channel 10 here in Philadelphia WNBC and Channel 4 in New York WCAU.

3. Will there be any changes in the news division?
Answer: We are considering reducing NBC Nightly News with Brian Wilson to 15 minutes so we can get more commercials for incontinence treatment, Lunesta and Zimbalta in. And we are considering eliminating newscasts on the Today Show and letting Matt Laurel just read the headlines.

4. What ABOUT the Today Show?
Answer: The Today show will expand by two hours a day to become a 24 hour cable service, probably on the circuits now occupied by MSNBC. Our main service will continue to carry the first ten hours of the show each day.

5. Any more changes in the News Division?
Answer: Yes, we’re expanding. We plan to open a bureau in Anchorage. We’re going to call it the Real America Bureau. In order to keep costs down, we will likely relocate the Washington Bureau to Baltimore. And we’ll put a “Best of ‘Meet the Press’” on one of the cable channels.

6. NBC recently acquired The Weather Channel. Any changes coming there?
Answer: Yes. We’re eliminating Last Hour Lunch for all employees except in TWC. But we’re continuing our highly regarded “Cloudburst Award” for the most inaccurate forecast of the day. And we continue trying to murder Al Roker by making him appear on six different shows at the same time.

7. You mentioned MSNBC. What about the other cable networks NBC owns?
Answer: that will have to play out over time. We have pledged to leave CNBC untouched. In fact, we went in and said “this is a great shop and we don’t plan to change a thing,” which some people think means the opposite of what it says. Same with USA. At Bravo, we’re going to take away the logo announcer’s telephone effect.

8. What about Jay Leno?
Answer: We think Jay is doing a fine job on the Tonight Show but we’re going to replace the “Tonight Show Band” with the Arch Street Boys Club Marching Band to demonstrate our commitment to community service.

9. And Prime time?
Answer: Our 44 minute produced dramas will be reduced to 38 minutes. See answer #3 for the reason.

10. Any truth to the report you’re ending our long standing relationship with Dick Wolf?
Answer: None. In fact, we’re expanding the Law & Order franchise as a way to increase the number of cable re-runs we can offer.

(To be continued. Eventually. As soon as we figure out how to keep running “To Catch a Predator” 55 times a month, and we figure out how we can move y’all a bit toward the south without paying moving expenses or bringing AFTRA, NABET, WGA, IA and IBEW with you.)



Shrapnel:

--Doc says go get some Aleve for your hand arthritis. Good idea, doc. But no one with arthritis of the hand can open the Aleve “pinch and turn” bottle cap.

--Someone should put out a whiskey called “Responsibly” and start a group of movie houses called “Select Theaters.” Think of the free advertising they’d get. Every booze ad tells you to “drink responsibly,” and most movies are playing at “select theaters.”

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Send comments to wesrichards@gmail.com excluding those that say I got Brian Williams’ and Matt Lauer’s names wrong.
© 2011 WJR

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