Friday, May 20, 2011

863 Cut!

863 Cut!

It’s San Francisco, so what did you expect? There’s a measure on the ballot that would make the ritual circumcision of male infants a misdemeanor.

“Mutilation,” say proponents. So far, the Jewish community which has been practicing this rite for how many thousands of years is shrugging. “What can you do?” they seem to be saying, “You can never find a Mohel when you need one, anyway. They have to do it in the hospital these days.”

Yeah. In a hospital. The shame of it! A Hospital! Sterile conditions, skilled technicians or nurses or doctors, even? Who needs that when you can have a bearded guy who hasn’t had a bath yet this year go after your baby boy with a knife he last washed during that last bath.

The anti-cut crowd went out and collected enough signatures to get this brilliance on the ballot. If you’re a San Franciscan, there are good reasons to vote against the plan, even if you’re not Jewish. First, there’s recycling. Foreskins are recycled or at the very least considered medical waste. Recycling is good. And we’ve gotten really good at sterilizing medical waste.

Second, these boys will grow up to be round and chubby and the extra weight of the skin is going to make dieting even tougher and less effective than it already is, plus always having to carry all that extra skin? Oy!

Third, when you round up the Jews, how’re you going to tell who’s who without that requisite drop-the-pants-check.

Fourth, freedom of expression. How many porn films have you seen featuring an uncut penis! Ahah! Circumcision is a constitutionally protected form of free speech performance art.

Fifth, unemployment among San Francisco’s Mohels will rise to 100%.

Behind this nonsense is a guy with too much time and too little grey matter, a guy named Lloyd Schofield. Lloyd? Maybe Lavi at birth?

What’s this guy’s problem? And what’s his next act, yellow armbands with the Star of David?

Wait a minute. Maybe this is more, even, than yet another attack on Jews. The World Health Organization reports that 68% of the earth’s circumcised males are (shudder!) Muslim!

How are we going to tell who’s a cave-trash terrorist and who isn’t? There’s that dropped-pants check thing again.

Not every Jew dresses in black from head to toe and not every Muslim dresses like Osama bin Laden. We need a more effective form of identifying these people.

The penalty for practicing the infant circumcision rite would be a $1,000 fine. Hey, wait -- again. Circumcision hurts, so why not add felony assault charges while you’re at it.

Are today’s infants less able to withstand pain than those of the last five millennia? And if they aren’t, do you think they’re going to remember the pain any more than anyone else does or did?

At any rate, here’s a good chance for the rabbis and the imams to unite in a common cause, if only temporarily.

As the movie directors say, “Cut!”

Shrapnel:

--"Yes, your honor, I did rob that 7-11 but it's only because I was traumatized as an infant by a guy who mutilated my boy-part." "Mr. Richards, you are 69 years old and have no prior criminal record, what makes you link these two events?" "Repressed memory, your honor, my therapist says so."

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments and anti-Semitic diatribes to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

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