1161 The Mental Detector
So you can buy a machine gun but you can’t take a manicure kit on an airplane? Or a full size tube of toothpaste? Fear not. Times will soon be better.
Here at the Wessays secret mountaintop laboratory, scientists and security experts say they’re almost ready to test the ultimate security device, the Mental Detector. It’s faster and more efficient than anything else.
Airport boarding lines and courthouse entry lines and schoolhouse entry lines will run at warp speed. No need to take your shoes off. No need to empty your pockets. Just walk through the machine and if you’re not nuts, you’re cleared for takeoff.
If you ARE nuts, a loud buzzer will sound and the near-idle TSA people will escort you to the airport’s Padded Lounge where you’ll await your limo to Bellevue. First class passengers will be able to opt for more luxurious looney bins after passing a means test.
No racial profiling. No problems for Granny in her wheelchair. Several major airlines already have agreed to offer on the spot refunds for those denied flights. (After deducting the cost of the limo ride, the fuel surcharge, the baggage check-in fee, the baggage retrieving fee and the fee collection fee.)
Some minor glitches in the machinery remain unresolved. The prototype of the Mental Detector could not discriminate between serious mental illness and such conditions as mild depression, PMS, enthusiasm for football, the Bible, the Torah or the Koran.
And as of now, the M.D., as we call it, cannot pick up the nut-waves of a well medicated cuckoo.
But fear not. We’re working on all that.
On the downside, we’re drawing serious fire from the American Psychiatric association which says using this device would be practicing medicine without a license, and besides, it would all but eliminate the income of thousands of shrinks who testify in court as expert witnesses and would then have to affiliate with hospitals and do actual work.
Our lobbyists will do what any good lobbyists do, pay off their lobbyists.
The pharmaceutical houses have endorsed us, sensing a whole new source of pill poppers.
The airlines have endorsed us citing the potential relaxation of tensions on what has become one of the greatest sources of stress, air transportation.
An agent of the Air Marshall Service speaking on condition of anonymity because he’s not authorized to open his mouth in public, says “this will make our job much easier.”
We’ve signed a retail agreement with Hammacher Schlemmer to sell a home use version of the M.D. so you can check yourself before you book. It’s kind of like the home pregnancy tests you can get in any drugstore, only it’s high tech and expensive. But it also helps lunatics understand that they’ll be labeled as such and to develop workarounds.
Like any high tech outfit, we’re looking to cash in both coming and going.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2013