Wednesday, December 25, 2013

1270 Exclusive! Duck Dynasty Interview

1270 Exclusive! Duck Dynasty Interview

In recent days controversy has swirled around the television program “Duck Dynasty,” a combination sitcom and reality show.

It started when the “Patriarch” of the Duck Commander company, which caters to hunters, Phil Robertson, declared in GQ Magazine that gay people are violating biblical law and are sinners.

A&E Network promptly suspended Robertson though as of now plans to continue shooting the series with the rest of the Robertson clan. This started some heavy duty exchanges between gay rights advocates and those that side with Robertson.

Lost in the midst of this media war is the voice of an important constituency and to remedy that, we welcome our guest Alfred Q. Drake, executive director of the AFMA, the American Flying Mallard Association.

Welcome, Mr. Drake.

Drake:  Oh, please call me “Quack” … that’s what the Q. in my name stands for.

Okay, Q, so this whole controversy must have hit you like high altitude turbulence at least for now.

Q: Oh, no, we were hoping for something like this to happen.

Hoping?  Why?  Do ducks have a particular fondness for gay men and women?

Q: Oh, no. It has nothing to do with that.  Just take a look at what these people do.  I’ve seen it first hand flying from Long Island to Florida for the winter. I made a side trip over Louisiana and that was a life-threatening experience.

How so?

Q: Well, look at what these guys manufacture.  They have this 20 thousand acre compound in Monroe, Louisiana.  And they make what may be the most accurate duck calls ever.  You know what that does? It lures thousands of us each year to untimely deaths.

So it’s not the gay thing?

Q: Of COURSE not.  I don’t give a day’s droppings one way or the other about people's’ sexual orientation.  I care about the lives of my fellow ducks!  They make a whole bunch of different calls and send their soldiers of fortune into the swamps and woods wearing those stupid looking caps and carrying those “Commando” ammo cases.  Why, it’s a disgrace!  I mean talk about following the Bible and the commandments and all… what ever happened to “Thou Shalt Not Kill?”

Is there any way you and the AFMA could reach some kind of accommodation?

Q:  Are you kidding?  Could the sane world reach an accommodation with Al Qaeda?  Or the Taliban? Or the Tea Party? Could Gotti reach an accommodation with Castellano?

Well…

Q: Could you reach an accord with your spouse?  These guys are in the business of killing ducks for the unmitigated pleasure of killing ducks!

Unmitigated?  That’s a pretty fancy word for a duck.

Q. Never mind.  We may be cute. We may waddle.  We may leave trace elements in your hair and on your lawn, but we’re not stupid.

Sorry.  So what do you think is going to happen?

Q:  I have no idea.  Probably those stubborn ZZ Top lookalikes will cancel the show unless A&E brings Robertson back.  But it doesn’t matter to us.  The damage is done.  These guys had an audience of about 14 million viewers, which is no small number.  But now the entire world has heard about them and you can bet they’ll expand Miss Kay’s Kitchen Collection to include a recipe book to go along with the carving board, the serving platter and that ugly cookie jar.

We’ve been talking with Alfred Q. Drake, Executive Director of the American Flying Mallard Association.  Thank…

Q: Wait just a minute.  Let me say that the AFMA has the word “Mallard” in its name only because we organized it.  We welcome ducks of any breed into the association.  No discrimination here… except maybe Peking Duck.  I’m allergic to the glaze.  And by the way, we’ve been open to geese and swans for decades.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
Shameless self promotion.  My commentaries have returned to the air. Listen each weekday at about 7:20 am and 3:20 pm.
© WJR 2013


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