It’s time for us cranks to get our own version of Facebook or Twitter. The only problem left is what to call it.
The easiest out is Back-of-the-Head Book. Or maybe A*s Book. Or Heelbook. But two of those are awkward and the one in the middle is mildly offensive. And, goodness gracious, we wouldn’t want to offend anyone, would we? (Well, yes we would, but that doesn’t attract the right kind of advertising. And running a runaway website isn’t cheap.)
Get-Your-Dog-Off-My-Lawn Book? Nah. Tough to say.
Okay. We’ll try to resolve that issue later. Now about content.
We define the page not by what you can post but what you can’t.
No pictures of kids under 18. That’s not an age of consent issue. It’s a cuteness issue. You may think your kids are cute, but they aren’t. Who wants to see them perform in the fourth grade presentation of Camelot? Or hit the foul balls in Tinyleague Baseball. Or showing their honor society diplomas from the Mary Soakem Charter School.
Throwback Thursday is banned. You weren’t any cuter back in Miss Murray’s fourth grade class picture than your kids are today. And nobody wants to see that picture of you and the rest of the staff at Carvel from 1970.
Food pictures are banned. No one wants to see how well you barbecue. No one wants to see a plate of mystery vegetables you ate at the Lucky Golden Chopstick on Stockton St. during your visit to San Francisco. Or the positively delicious sandwich you had at Up And Down Burger in Circleville, Ohio.
Pet pictures are banned. Puppies and kittens do cute things. But they all do the same cute things. You’ve seen one cat chase a dust mite, you’ve seen them all. You’ve seen a Schnauzer or Yorkie with the caption “He thinks he’s human,” and wearing something that looks like a human expression or the latest fashion coat and hat from Pets R Us, you’ve seen them all.
Nobody cares about your wedding, your anniversary, your senior prom, your catered divorce.
Nobody wants your war stories, your illness stories, your tax worries, your political views or you crossing the finish line in the 5k Run for Ingrown toenails. Even if you win. Even if you’re over 75 or under 15 or have bladerunner blades instead of feet. Especially if you have blades for feet.
The question is: what DO you put on Crankbook? Cranky stuff, maybe. Or better yet, nothing.
-Today is Memorial Day, at least officially, and we thank the men and women who died in wartime, especially those who served against their will in unnecessary shooting matches too numerous to mention.
-They’re coming out with a new humane weapon, the Tickle Taser, so when the cop tases you, you fall over in gales of laughter giving them a chance to cuff you, and beat the tar out of you while you’re still conscious.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2015