No longer content to rest on its fake moon landing laurels, NASA has invented a new dwarf star with seven earth- like planets orbiting. Imagine that! Dwarfstar and the seven planets. Eat your heart out, Snow White.
Planets that could support human life. They call it TRAPPIST. Discovered using the Transiting Planets and Planetesimal Small Telescope in Chile. And it’s only 40 light years away. (About 235 trillion miles. Chicken feed in the outer space business.)
Wessays™ has conducted a quick check for reaction.
The White House: We will deal with each of the planets separately. We’re hoping this is not another EU or UN or OAS in the works. Meantime, we may build an asteroid belt around earth. Earth First!
The UN: admitted all seven planets and the dwarf star to membership by a nearly unanimous vote of the General Assembly. (Vatican City voted no. Russia, China and Saudi Arabia abstained. Nauru was absent. They’re still fighting over whether to have a capital city and what to do now that the fossilized bird dropping phosphates have run out leaving the island with no source of income.)
Richard Branson: Virgin Air will inaugurate commercial flights starting in 2022.
Priceline.com: We knew about this ages ago. Why do you think we feature Captain Kirk in our ads?
Blightbarb: The planets are all flat, not spherical.
Elon Musk: We’re already building charging stations on four of the planets.
Governor Roy Cooper of North Carolina: Who decides who uses which bathrooms?
Al Sharpton: We’ll picket first and ask questions later.
Wayne LaPierre: Little green men from TRAPPIST have a God given right to arm themselves. And someone give a Sig Sauer to Captain Kirk.
Gay Men’s Health Crisis: We demand that the TRAPPIST medical establishment recognize the need to curb the spread of AIDS in space.
China’s Secretary of Commerce: Whatever they make, we can make it cheaper and ship it faster.
Sarah Palin: Drill, baby, drill!
Paul Simon: I am claiming Planet D so short people can have a place of their own.
Shaquille O’Neal: I am claiming Planet G so tall people can have a place of their own.
Bill Gates: Just what I always wanted… my own solar system.
Vladimir Vladimirovich (AKA Vladimir Putin, Jr.): History shows that these planets were originally flung into space when a tidal wave hit Russia. So now that we’ve found our lost territories, we are reclaiming them.
National Enquirer: We told you so.
Fate Magazine: We told you first.
National Enquirer: Did not.
Fate Magazine: Did too.
Garner Ted Armstrong Evangelistic Association: Be kind to the aliens. They live closer to heaven than we do.
Betsy DeVoid: What’s a solar system? Oh, wait. I know. It’s where you get a winter tan if you can’t afford a second home in Palm Beach.
Secretary of State Rexxon Exxon: We cannot depend on foreign suns for our solar energy.
Hillary Clinton: Ya think they pay speakers better than Goldman?
Bill Clinton: They’re right up the block, Hillary. Why don’t you take a listening tour and find out?
Uber: Drivers wanted!
McDonald’s: We will be opening our first interplanetary restaurant on Planet E sometime after the first of the year.
Oprah: I will be moving to whichever planet shows the lowest number when I step on a scale.
Bernie Sanders: Notice those planets are all different sizes. We have to equalize them. No planet should be bigger than any other.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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