Wednesday, May 30, 2018

1951 Some Short Takes


I.
The Monster is Missing

Headline on the Newsday briefing email: “18-ton Excavator Missing. Problem: They All Look Alike.”  This happened in Riverhead on New York’s Long Island.

What would you do with something like this if you had it?
Let the theories begin.  

--a bunch of construction workers get drunk, drive it off and hide it as a prank. (Probable.)
--a bunch of frat boys get drunk, drive it off and hide it as a prank. (Improbable for two reasons: (a) No frat boy is likely to know how to move it and (b) moving it may require getting one’s hands dirty.)
--an arms dealer with a chop shop carted it off to dismantle and sell the parts to some middle east potentate. (Unlikely.)
--it was kidnapped by space aliens who have been stalking it from afar and fallen in love with it. (Possible.)
--there was no missing excavator and Newsday either got hoodwinked or made the story up.

II.
Getting to Ireland
Since the pro-choice side won the fight in Ireland, many women will choose to go there for abortions.  As a public service, several airlines are offering discount round trip flights.  But one of them is charging an extra one-way fare for the fetus.

III.
De Beers: If You Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em
The world’s most fun diamond hoarder is about to start selling “lab grown” diamonds.  This after years of insisting that “real is rare,” which it isn’t.  It’s just withheld from market.  The new stones will have a De Beers logo so small you can’t see it with the naked eye.  Now, be honest.  Unless you’re a jeweler and wearing a loupe, can you really tell the difference?

We asked the host website of All the World’s Knowledge, Google, to “show what a diamond lab looks like.”  No answer, no images.  The mental image is of little old men and women hunched over microscopes and Bunsen burners.  That’s probably not right.

IV. Fooliani Booed at the Stadium
How quickly we ingrates from New York forget a great man in our midst.  Why when Rude-e showed up for a ballgame at Yankee Stadium, the fans booed him. Can you imagine the nerve of those ticket holders?  

V.
JFK
The man, not the airport.  His 101st birthday would have been yesterday, May 29th.  Bet you’re heading for Hallmark right now to buy a “sorry I was late” birthday card.

VII.
New Old Stock Shoes
Summer vacation bound students at Penn State University are selling the stuff from their dorm rooms and apartments from during the spring semester.  Need a good pair of shoes cheap? This is the place to look.  Most of them are unworn.  New condition.  That’s because on that campus, no one’s feet actually touch ground. Plus you get to see the inside of the country’s third ugliest building, the unfortunately named “Beaver Stadium.”

VIII.
GE: Progress is Our Most Important Product.
General Electric stock is trading at about $15 a share, a low that it hadn’t seen since 1998.  But what cost $15 in 1998 now costs just under $24. So they’re in worse shape now than the last time they saw a price like the most recent close at posting time.  Now that’s what I call progress!

IX.
What Would Walt Say?
Disney’s ABC fired Roseanne Barr for making a racist tweet. She was trump’s on air sweetheart which tells you all you need to know about her if you’re not already familiar. This dimwit can go back to counting her millions while the dozens of people who worked on her show hit the unemployment line.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
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© WJR 2018


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