Let The Next Guy Worry

#268 Let the Next Guy Worry

It was a 1971 Pontiac and we called it “The Forestall.” That’s because the hood was so long you could land a small plane there – just like the aircraft carrier of the same name.

It was made in Canada. It had a cast iron engine block with cylinders that displaced 455 cubic inches. A monster. All metal except for some of the exterior decoration. Weighed almost three tons.

All the car stuff about it was everything you could expect from something that’s half sedan, half half-track. But then there were the little things.

Like the electric chair. Bench seat, really. Six way power seat. Forward, backward, up, down and angle. Hmmm. What WAS that sixth thing?

Anyway, a mile or two after the warranty expired, the six way seat became a no-way seat. Inspection of the underside of the bench showed that a small electric motor drove the motion, and it was connected to the mechanism with a small rubber tube, estimated value 59 cents, at the time,

The parts guy at Pontiac laughed. He said sure he could sell the rubber tube for a couple of bucks (inflation!) but that installing it meant taking out the seat, which meant undoing eight or ten welds, putting on the tube (no tools required!) and then, re-welding the undone welds. The job would take a week and cost almost as much as the car.

Well, we won’t have this car forever. Let the next guy worry about it.

Same car, 3,000 miles later. The “always on” ventilation fan dies. It is situated in a wheel well. Cost of the motor – ten bucks. But to fix it, you either had to take off the left front fender or cut a hole in its inside wall. Couldn’t they put a little door in that inside wall or do Canadians not know about doors? Or maybe they expect a ten dollar fan that’s always running to last forever.

This repair, unlike the seat, got done. But that fan also would have to be replaced eventually. Let the next guy worry about it.

Many years later, GM started putting in those little doors, so when the cheap fan motors burned out, as the inevitably did, they could replace them easily.

But the lesson didn’t carry over into the general manufacturing culture.

The desk at which this is being written was a drawer that won’t close all the way. No problem, just take out the drawer, fix it and put it back, right? Wrong. The drawers do not come out.

The desk is also Forestallish. Big, heavy, clunky. Solid. No assembly required. Took three guys to get it upstairs.

Drawer problem? Let the next guy worry about it.

But it’s not just cars and furniture. It’s international “relations, too.”

Idiotic, unnecessary war in Iraq?

Let the next guy worry about it.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

CBS FM

#267 CBS FM

They should start a band called The Jerx.

And then, they should give ‘em the hook, as they used to say in vaudeville.

Well, actually they did that.

A little radio folklore here. Back in the days when AM radio dominated, WABC dominated the dominators. Then, after years of trying, the suits turned it into a talk station and all the listeners went away.

Around that time, WCBS FM was casting about for something to do. They tried an idiotic format called “The Young Sound,” which was anything but. It flopped. So they hired on a few of the deposed WABC disc jockeys and started playing what we now call “oldies” music.

Harry Harrison, Dan Daniel, Dan Ingram, Ron Lundy, “Cousin” Bruce Morrow and some others were hired for various shifts. The thing became a monster hit. People by the zillions listened. Program Director Joe McCoy ran a good ship. People loved it.

Then, after CBS got sold and re-sold, some imbecile with a tie decided it was time to pack it in and put on a totally stupid format called “Jack FM.” And nobody listened.

The imbecile with the tie got fired, and the Suit who took his place decided Oldies Rule and changed back to something akin to the original “oldies” format.

It’s not exactly the same, now. We won’t hear “Earth Angel” by The Penguins or “At the Hop” with Danny & the Juniors. But at least they’re playing 60s and 70s and 80s music and have live disc jockeys again (as opposed to “Jack” which had nothing live.

Will this be a hit, or a miss?

Probably a hit. The oldies fans were so loyal, they kept pelting CBS management with invective and begged without shame for the return.

The only major difference now is that there are none of those WABC types back at WCBS/FM. That’s too bad. They defined the genre.

Harry Harrison couldn’t do a talkup to save his life. But he still was fun (“mornin’ mom!”)

Cousin Brucie was a parody of himself. (Eeee-yew, cousins!)

Ron Lundy had nothing to say, but he said it with great enthusiasm and style.

Dan Ingram was master of the double entendre.

But the people who now fill the seats aren’t at all bad. In fact, by today’s standards, they’re major talents. Dan Taylor, Bob Shannon, Bill Lee and Bobby Jay.

Still… it’s not the same. Guess it can’t be. Shouldn’t be.

What it is: a good personality radio station in a sea of canned voice tracking.

It’s nice they have stopped the automated “Jack FM.”

Bill Paley no longer is rotating in his grave.

(Disclaimer: The columnist worked at WCBS FM periodically and remains friendly with some of the people mentioned in this item.)

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

Road Rage

#266 Road Rage

Driving along, minding my own business, signal for a lane change. There’s a blind spot on the right side, but there seems to be a car in it – you get so you can sort of sense that after a few decades.

So, back into the original lane. And, yes, there was a car there, and she pulls up even. Cookie cutter Stonewall County Blonde. They have an endless number here. Well dressed, made up, and giving the finger.

So let’s pull up to the grandpa mobile ahead of her and in her lane, and pace it so she can’t pass.

She can’t pass. Keeping the same speed as Grandpa, at just above the speed limit. And Cookie can’t pass. So she shifts lanes again, and raises the finger again, and you can sense the steam coming out of her ears. Maybe even see it a little bit.

How long can this keep up before Cookie explodes? But she doesn’t. Instead, she makes a turn and vanishes. With any luck, forever.

Probably ruined her day. She was probably late to work. Or school. Nah. Not school. Eighth graders can’t drive.

Or maybe they can. An eleven year old was recently busted in Alabama for leading police on a 100 mph chase. She also was drunk out of her mind. Her excuse? “I had to pick my brother up at a concert.”

Can they bust you for driving without a license when you’re not old enough to have a license? Speeding? Sure. DUI? Sure. But what about that license thing? It’s Alabama. Where the age of consent is nine. Unless you’re married. Then, it’s older. Maybe 12.

The drinking age also would be nine, except the state doesn’t get federal highway money unless it puts the drinking age at 21. And in Alabama, that federal highway money buys a lot of politicians. (Here in Stonewall County, of course, none of that happens.) But that kickback money’s gotta come from somewhere!

As for Cookie, she’s probably the kind who has pink stuffed animals decorating her room, has a bubble handwriting, dots her “I” with a little heart, goes to church every Sunday, and each day, says her prayers and screams obscenities at her mother. And at the cop who will at some point in the near future, pull her over for speeding, reckless lane changing and failure to signal. (She’ll try batting her eyes and wiggling her hips first, but that won’t work. A ticket quota is a ticket quota. And around here, federal highway bribes don’t go the distance.)

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

Chaos

#265 Chaos

A recent report said two interesting things about traffic. Thing one: it's
getting worse as cityscapes spread farther and farther into the suburbs.


Thing two: traffic jams in the city of New York have diminished, probably, says
the study, for the same reason.

Well, to those of us who drive in New York City, even infrequently, the
diminution is hard to notice. maybe impossible to notice.


We all know the reason for traffic jamming in general. Too many cars, too few
people in the cars. Bad and/or inconsiderate drivers, mass transit that's less
seductive and less comprehensive than municipalities say it is.

Those explanations are all valid, especially in combination. But there's
another reason -- and this is one that no amount of road improving, driver
improving, subway improving, HOV lanes, rail connections, lecturing and
hectoring from officialdom will cure.

It is called chaos.

When most of us hear that word, we think of our everyday lives... and that's not
entirely wrong. In the course of daily events, chaos is kind of like Murphy’s
Law meets your appointment schedule.

In physics -- it's similar.

The best example involves us describing (oh goodness!) a lit cigarette resting
in an ash tray.

The smoke from the cigarette drifts upward in a column... and then at a certain
point, it begins to diffuse into the air. The part that diffuses into the air
is the chaos part.

Here’s how it works in traffic:

you're buzzing along the highway going a steady 65 on a straightaway. Traffic
is moderate, but moving.

Then, all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, you have to slow to a crawl.

the moving traffic is like the column of cigarette smoke, and all of a sudden,
you get to the part that's like the top of the column where the smoke goes in
every which direction.

What causes this on the highway?

Could be anything.

Here’s an example.

A mile ahead of you, someone's listening to this program on a car
radio and hears something outrageous. Or maybe the driver's nose itches. This
diverts the attention for a fraction of a second during which he or she let's up
a little on the gas... or changes lanes... or scratches the itch or changes the
station.

Drivers behind and to the sides see and react to it... tap their own brakes...
and all of a sudden, the average speed drops from 55 to 20.

You can cut this down by leaving the radio tuned to this program, knowing where
you're going and paying attention.

We can't help you with the itch.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

Why Are You Reading This

#264 Why Are You Reading This?

C’mon. No one reads anymore. You’re a throwback to a bygone era.

Newspapers are dead. The internet rules, but you don’t READ that, you scan it.

CNN has found a way to make its website even more user friendly than the others. It puts bullet points, story highlights atop its stories. You don’t even have to read the lead paragraph to grasp what’s going on.

The Huffington Post has “quick read” links to all its articles. You never even have to leave the home page to get a one paragraph version of the story.

USA Today pioneered the use of charts and graphs to tell you the story, true to its mission, producing a TV show in which you can wrap fish, as Fred Friendly would say.

The New York Times, Wall Street Journal and the Weekly Forward have all shrunk their previously full size pages to something less than a “broadsheet,” but more than a tabloid.

Magazines are mostly pictures and captions these days. Also, bullet points, graphs and charts – the USA Today of slick paper.

Books? They seem to proliferate by the zillion. And sometimes, people even buy them. But how many of them are actually read – let alone referred to or read more than once.

It’s OK to see “Casablanca” 50 times. But read a book twice? You must be nuts.

Unless it’s Harry Potter. Or it’s an Oprah recommendation.

Do you get those pathetic appeals from Book of the Month Club, Mystery Book Club, Science Book Club, Nature Lovers’ Book Club, Auto Repair Book Club, Readers’ Digest Condensed Books?

Buy one, get 17 free. No further obligation. Free shipping if you order before midnight.

Do you even KNOW whether you get those pitches?

Between MTV and Madison Avenue, we’ve been conditioned to want everything summarized in ten words or less.

Notice, even the “Hooked on Phonics” and “Photoreading” courses have stopped advertising?

The most reading we do these days is the instruction manual for the iPhone or the iPod. And maybe not even that. (It’s kind of un-macho to read instructions, at least anywhere you can be seen reading them.)

Not to worry. You’re not missing anything. Most of what’s available to read ain’t worth the effort. The Times’ writing is so twisted it’s tough to make head or tale out of anything they print.

The novels are filled with unbelievable characters, ridiculous plots and no themes.

“Self help” books generally have no usable information beyond the titles, and sometimes even that makes no sense.

Newsweek, Time and US News & World Report are a week behind what you’ve viewed on MSNBC.

Does anyone really READ the New Yorker? “The Nation?” “The National Review?” Not if they can get the same stuff from “All Things Considered,” Air America Radio or Rush Limbaugh.

The opening question today “why are you reading this?” can be answered only by “I’m an old-fashioned boy/girl,” or “I keep the paper under the cover and read it by flashlight because I don’t want to be thought of as subversive.”

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

Googleworld & July 4th

#263 Googleworld

What IS Google, anyway? It started life as a really cool search engine, outperforming everything else on the planet, as it still does.

But after the initial public offering, it became a new age space invader, entangled in practically every aspect of American life. It’s a nation unto itself now. And it’s getting its tentacles into every possible aspect of your computer and in every aspect of social engineering.

Wouldn’t be surprising if you wake up one morning and find that it’s sent a regiment of its Kool-Aid-drinking cultists to take over Congress or General Electric.

We like our corporations to wear their predatory instincts on their sleeves. General Motors once occupied 60% of the new car sales terrain. No more. We found alternatives, because we knew what they were up to: an increase to 100%.

Until recently, Microsoft was the same way. And they made no secret of it. They were out to conquer the world. Not just the world of the personal computer, but the world at large. Now, in middle age, co-founder Bill Gates, richest man in the world, at least on paper, has turned to charity work. They had to beat him with a 2x4 before he did it. But he did it.

Andrew Carnegie and John D. Rockefeller were the same way. Kill them, then kill them again with kindness.

Wal-Mart wants to conquer the world just as badly as GM did. And they’re getting closer because there’s no viable competition. They get away with squeezing their stockholders, employees, suppliers and you.

Berkshire Hathaway’s Warren Buffet is a middle ground. He seems a nice enough fellow, and doesn’t make overt killer moves. But neither does he pretend to be in some kind of public service.

Google does. It’s image is that of the smart-but-touchy-feely company that’s going to save your life, your soul and your butt.

Some recent headlines, either direct quotes or paraphrases, but quotation marks omitted:

GOOGLE BUYS WEB PHONE SERVICE

GOOGLE FACES TROUBLE WITH ‘DOUBLE CLICK’ DEAL

GOOGLE APPEALS BELGIAN COPYRIGHT LAW

GOOGLE WANTS ROLE IN MICROSOFT CASE, BURIES HATCHET

GOOGLE PARTNERS WITH LG (Korean electronics company.)

GOOGLE APOLOGIZES FOR MICHAEL MOORE DISS

…SPLAPPED WITH LIBEL SUIT

…ESTABLISHES PANEL OF HEALTH CARE EXPERTS

…TO STAGE CONTEST FOR 100 MPG CAR

Busy guys, the Googlers.

And a stock price to die for – and one that’s unlikely to retreat too far.

Google is its own tech bubble, but with a pretty hard shell.

And its own social action network.

And an advertising monolith.

It’s got its hands on your private parts, your bank account, your credit and your intellectual life.

And touchy-feely-fuzzy as it may seem now, the future is somewhere between George Orwell and Aldus Huxley.

--

Today is July fourth. It’s the birthday of the United States, technically speaking. We are in worse shape now than at any time since 1960. And what with globalization, war, health care, fuel prices, a White House that puts personal loyalty over justice and other values we like to ascribe to ourselves, the viral infection of our institutions by religious zealots of various stripes (but all positive that their way is the only way,) there’s little hope of emerging from the descending dark ages any time soon.

If we are to be saved, it won’t be by some deity or some plastic political candidate, but by our own national character: a can-do spirit, optimism, compromise and generosity to one another – and ourselves.

Happy fourth.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

Chem Lab

#262 Chem Lab

Here’s the recipe for making coffee that’s half decaf and half not. First you put a couple of spoons of instant decaf into a cup. Follow that with a half cup of boiled water. Then add actual coffee to almost fill the cup. And finally, add three squirts of French vanilla flavored non-dairy creamer.

If you count the cleaning of the teapot to boil the water and the boiling of the water itself, this is a mere nine steps. It sounds like Rube Goldberg. But it is the most efficient way to make this brew. We tested several methods here in the Secret Mountain Laboratory in Stonewall County, PA, and had begun experimenting with methods back in the Secret Seaside Laboratory in Moote Pointe, NY.

Our tests were more thorough and complete than anything the FDA has done lately. And, by the way, eat your heart out, Consumer Reports Magazine!

Stroll through one of those vitamin stores and you have to wonder what it is we’re ingesting these days, and to what end. That and the homeopathic nutjob websites.

All the formulae are secret. Some ingredients are not on the label. Some of them are shrouded in mystery even if they ARE on the label. “Proprietary herb blend.” Three little words almost as scary as “easy to assemble” or “cashier in training.”

Are we living longer these days because of these potions, or despite them?

Professor Jon in Ohio has this affliction where you never stop growing. He also has a PhD degree in English. You would think this combination of possessions would lead him to find the best medical care he could, especially since the college he works for pays all kinds of dandy medical and pharmaceutical benefits. Nope. At least, not right away.

Professor Jon in Ohio figured he could take care of this himself and on the cheap. So he started with the homeopathics. After awhile, he couldn’t get into his hats and his pants were all too short. So, finally, he went to the doc and the disease got arrested.

If a guy with a weird disease and a PhD degree can’t figure out what he should be doing, how do the rest of us.

If you ask Starbucks to make that coffee blend, they’ll throw you out. If you ask Dr. Homeo for some help with a possibly fatal disease, you’ll get all nine steps and more.

This is why many of us are hooked on pharmacies. The FDA is kind of ho-hum about its testing, but at least it occasionally comes up with a recall, or at least a caution note.

If this column is giving you a headache, try a couple of Arabica Montana under the tongue. Or an Advil.

Or make a cup of coffee for yourself. Recipe above.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR