703 Our Parents, Ourselves

703 Our Parents, Ourselves

(Taipei) -- There is no Ellis Island here. There is no place where some pre-minimum wage bureaucrat will stamp your credentials, assign you a name much like but not exactly your own and send you on your way, even if you don't have a way. It's different now, even for people who are visiting. You get to keep your name. And if you don't have a place to call temporary home, you don't get past the guy with the smile and the stamp.

But here, once you are beyond the entryway, your experience will merge with those of your parents or grandparents who came to America without the language, without a feel for the culture and with a bunch of preconceptions, some right and some wrong. Here, if you don't have the language, you're on your own. This is not Hong Kong where the British imposed their ways on the Chinese for a century or so and English shares Mandarin for top billing in language.

This is Taiwan and while they go out of their way to be good to tourists, there are limits. You'd figure that a major bank in the midst of a bunch of decent tourist hotels would have some English speakers. Nope. You'd think one or two of the zillion convenience stores would accept Visa or MasterCard or Discover and maybe even US dollars. Nope. Only the Subway is fully bilingual.

These are people in a hurry. These are people with thousands of years of doing things their way. And while the island is only about the size of Maryland and Delaware put together, there's an awful lot going on here and not a lot of time to curry the favor or good will of strangers. Texas can fit this place in the back pocket of its jeans and not even notice the bulge.

So this is what it was like when mom and pop popped off the boat from in New York after the trip in steerage from Europe. It's like losing one of your senses, most likely hearing. You know stuff is going on, you know sounds are being made, you have no clue what they are.

Shrapnel:

--You see people here with shirts that say "New York," or "A-Train to Queens" or "Los Angeles" or "Minneapolis." The temptation is great to wear a shirt that says "I'm From Idaho." Impossible to find that around here, at least so far.

--As we've pointed out, you can buy booze, wine and beer on every corner here. The convenience stores have it all -- practically unregulated. But those same stores are barred from selling aspirin, Advil, Tylenol or anything like it.

--Taiwan revolutionized its criminal code in 2003. Many of the changes were based on the American system, including granting Miranda rights to the accused. Apparently, if you stay away from certain parts of the island -- though no one will tell you directly which parts those are you're unlikely to be a victim.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010

702 Two Surprises

702 Two Surprises

A version of this item appeared in the Centre Daily Times newspaper of State College PA.

I. Would You Eat Here? Yes and No.

(Taipei) – We have our share of restaurants, local, national, fast, slow, good, bad indifferent. But here there are things no one back home would think of. Or if they thought of them, never would actually bring them into being. So, would you eat here? First, there’s the

Yes:

It’s called “Forker’s.” The natives probably don’t understand the word play, but Dennis, who started the joint and another one like it does. Dennis may not be his name, but he looks like a Dennis. He’s from Windsor, Ontario, which is in Canada, but south of Detroit. He came here from Windsor to coach amateur hockey. When he thought it was a good place to stay, he became a teacher of English. More lucrative, he says. Then, the restaurant. Big, juicy, American style burgers, real fries, real cake. Yummy. The place is in an alley. The alley is very much like Calder Alley, in that it’s not just a pathway, but a mini-street with commerce. Dennis says his biggest problem is staffing. The waitress girls of Taipei don’t have the maturity or the work ethic of the North Americans. Maybe D should visit his home town to double check that observation.

Then there’s the

No:

We didn’t actually go to this place. But here’s the ad the restaurant placed on a tourist map:

“Modern Toilet. A unique restaurant featuring bathroom and toilet equipment. Enjoy a truly innovative and revolutionary dining experience.” This is followed by pictures of ancient and modern potties and sinks and bowls loaded with Chinese food. Modern sanitary measures were employed; we’re sure, in purifying the porcelain. But some risks are not worth taking. For more information, hurry on over to their website: www.moderntoilet.com.tw The thought of scooping food out of an American Standard Bathroom urinal is… um… unacceptable.

Now, for Surprise number two.

A Fast but Leisurely Rush Hour Trip on a Bus In Rush Hour Bus

A What? Yes, a fast but leisurely trip on a rush hour bus. The machine was made by Isuzu. Its nine feet tall. Its seven feet wide. It’s more than 50 feet long. Bigger in every dimension than a CATA bus. Bigger in every dimension than a New York City Transit Authority bus.

This is Taipei bus #605, Young Mr. Han at the controls. This machine is king of the street. And in rush hour on a Wednesday evening, Mr. Han, about 35, is squeezing this monster between tightly packed lanes of cars, missing them by maybe a foot on the right and three inches on the left. The notorious scooter drivers apparently know better than to fool with Mr. Han and his Isuzu. At this hour, 6pm local time on a Wednesday, the subways, good as they are, are packed wall to wall. Mr. Han’s bus is not especially crowded.

In New York, we have a saying, “Do you want to walk, or do we have time to take the bus?” Implication: it’s sooooo slow. Here, no worries. Take the bus. Its fast, it’s comfortable. And even for those of us who dislike buses on principle, this is as good as it gets. At least until they come up with an aerial pogo stick.

Like the Taipei subway, this burg does traffic control right.

I'm Wes Richards. My Opinions are my own but your welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010

701 Here's Your Future, ABC

701 Here's Your Future, ABC

(TAIPEI) -- The cement heads from ABC should come over here. Here's where they can learn to do what they really want to do: television news without spending anything close to actual money. Taiwan television is a pioneer. These guys know cheap. They know that you don't need to spend money covering "news" any more than you need to spend money on first-run programs. Well, it's not REALLY news, but in today's world, it'll do.

ABC thinks its pioneering a new way of delivering the events of the day. Nuts. It's going on here already. News = anything you can record on a security cam or a cell phone cam. It's not even as technically sophisticated as the guy on Saturday Night Live who made fun of TV reporting by outfitting himself in a helmet camera/transmitter and who announced his "standup" while trying to focus the picture on something that had anything to do with the story.

Here, the news is mostly about guys in SUVs crushing guys on motor scooters. The cameras are everywhere. What isn't covered by a security cam is covered by a reporter or witness with a smart phone, outfitted for video. Watch the cops administer a breathalyzer moments after a driver mows down a biker who probably has 16 kids and is trying to send them all to college. Watch a sumo sized guy stick up a convenience store. Watch an abandoned hotel imploded intentionally in Las Vegas. Or someone winning a lottery.

The Shaky Cam lives! News on the cheap lives.

Walking up the steps of the National Palace Museum, we're accosted by a TV "reporter" who is "interviewing foreigners who visit..." This is a huge hall and boasts 8,000 years of cultural and precultural treasures. It is the best place in Taipei to examine the excesses of the great dynasties. And the progress of art, calligraphy, pottery, clothing, textiles, architecture and painting from before the Bronze Age. And without too many words it demonstrates by the extremes of the dynastic emperors why Sun Yat-sen's civil war succeeded in bringing something akin to democracy to China.

The "reporter" is a giggly girl, awestruck, apparently, by the response to her question "where are you from?" and the answer, "New York." She can spot a non Asian American easily enough. Everyone can. But she doesn't really understand the answers she videotapes. That's okay. If it makes air, no one watching will get it either.

So you guys at ABC -- and your counterparts at CBS and NBC, take heed: this is where you are headed. ABC, at least, admits it. The other traditional biggies are going to be watching carefully as the professionals move out of the way for the guys wearing the solo-cam helmets.

And the public? The audience? The "consumer?" Well, who needs professionals to tell us the truth when we have those cellphone videos?

Earth to Roone Arledge: get back here. We need you.

Shrapnel:

--Joe Galloway's picture should be in the dictionary next to the word "writer." And his retirement as the military affairs columnist for the McClatchy Newspapers leaves a canyon of an opening in our understanding of matters of war and defense and common sense. Another guy who percolated in the greatness that once was United Press International.

--It's really hard for a former AP guy to keep praising UPI, which in its legit years -- long gone -- was a great competitor. Often, they beat us in speed and clarity, but rarely in accuracy or gravitas. And they had guys like Galloway and Helen Thomas who understood the use of color and simplicity in language.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010

700 Our Cell Phones, Our Cells & Easy Money

700 Our Cell Phones, Our Cells. And Easy Money.

(TAIPEI) -- How we come to depend on our mobile phones and learn to love our dependence or captivity. But traveling abroad forces some re-thinking. Of course, everyone here has at least one, usually a Blackberry or other “smart phone.” But for travelers?

Of course we brought our dumb phones along. Even made ‘em usable here by jumping through a few customer service hoops and about an hour of begging. Experimented. “To call America,” says the instruction message, “dial 0051 and then the area code and number. Easy enough. We are sitting next to each other. One of us dials the other. 0051 to call America. Then the area code and number. And sure enough, the signal bounces from one phone, to a cell tower down the road, to a satellite, then down to a cell tower in Nassau County on New York’s Long Island, back up to a satellite, back down to the Taipei tower and into the second phone, which is maybe two feet away from the first one. That’s over 14,000 miles of travel. But it works.

The carrier charges two dollars a minute for roaming. They have a funny way of doing arithmetic. Here’s what’s called the Verizon Equation: 60 + 1 = 120. That’s right, one minute plus one second equals two minutes. There’s a second version: 60 – 45 = 60. So a 15 second call is one minute.

We “rented” a local phone, so the local relatives and friends can get hold of Angela easily and we’re not paying Verizon skumpty eight million dollars to hear someone say “Nee how mah,” which is “hello.”

Easy Money

Not only easy, but cheap. The “NT,” the New Taiwan Dollar is worth about 3.2 cents, USD. So when you see a pair of shoes on sale for the low, low, bargain-low price of $1800, that jolts you. Even if you’ve been here long enough to get used to the figures.

Forty five minutes of clothes drying costs 30 dollars in the Laundromat. You can get a really good meal for under 300 bucks. Notice, there are no “cents.” Everything is rounded, kind of like Verizon minutes. Taiwan beer (excellent, by the way, eat your hearts out Augie Busch and Davie Yuengling) is 41 dollars for 500 ml can. (That’s 16 ounces.)

Okay, many of us are familiar with the Yen and with the former Italian currency, the Lira. But it’s still tough to buy a cup of coffee for $100. To remind, that’s about three bucks. On the other hand, a $100 pack of Marlboros is a bargain and a half in a country with a government that knows smoking is a death sentence, and figures it can’t be bothered with acting as the “Health Police.”

Shrapnel:

--Here, you can buy almost any car made -- any Asian brand, most European brands and one from America: Ford. Have yet to see a GM or Chrysler vehicle. And they don't need Consumer Reports here to figure out why.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010

699 Dr, Sun Never Sets

699 Dr. Sun Never Sets

(TAIPEI) --Dr. Sun Yat-sen is both the George Washington and Abe Lincoln of the Republic of China. He’s revered as we Americans revere our founders. For us, it is 1776. For the ROC it’s 1912. That’s when the last Ching Dynasty emperor, age six, abdicated and a long struggle ended.

That’s what they call it. Civil war. Not to be confused with the Maoist Revolution across the Strait in what most of the rest of the world calls the People’s Republic of China, the mainland.

Dr. Sun was cut from the philosopher king mode and the Taiwanese say he established the first true democracy in Asia. His memorial site is a seven story pagoda surrounded by gardens and fountains and statues. Two of those statues are live. Like the breathing mannequins who guard Buckingham Palace. White uniformed soldiers who guard a Lincolnesque seated statue, far larger than life. The guards guard the statue. The statue guards the guards.

There are calligraphied wall hangings of his writings. There are photographs. Even a phonograph record of his speeches. The books he wrote, translated into French and Spanish and English and who knows what all else.

As American high schoolers, we read Dr. Sun’s writings but never really knew why. Here’s why: this is one of the places that picked up on a pretty American form of government, de-anglicized it and made “Power to the People” an Asian way of life. At least until 1949 when Mao’s boys took over. Mao had some pretty significant help. The Soviet Union was at the ready with guns and men and money and more. Chang Kai-shek didn’t get a lot of aid, or so say the natives here.

In any event perhaps a visit to the National Palace Museum would have been a better first stop than a second. It is there that we learn of the emperors, especially those of the Ching Dynasty, their love of luxury and the suffering of the common people. With that as a preview, Dr. Sun’s life and purpose would be all the sharper in relief.

The Palace Museum is settled in part of the city from which you can still see mountains and the cell phone towers that top them. It advertises itself as a treasure trove of eight thousand years of history. The audio tour (pick your language) is helpful but a bit overblown and braggart. But the funniest line of the day came with the mention of one emperor’s “Hall of Celestial Purity.” It was situated in the palace of his concubine.

The title of this piece is kind of flip. It might even be offensive, but no more offensive than the Delta Airlines advertising flat screens on the walls of the pagoda.

Shrapnel:

--We travelers from Pennsylvania are having blonde withdrawal. There are few here as there are many there. And when you see one here, assume Clairol.

--Chinese restaurant food in America is nothing like Chinese food here. Mystery objects abound. And maybe we don’t want those mysteries solved.

--No tipping. Honest. None except where it’s built in.

698 Are We There Yet and The High Cs

698 Are We There Yet and Life On the High Cs.

(ABOARD UNITED FLT. 803) -- We’re 32,000 feet over Toronto and heading northwest at almost 600 mph. At this rate, we’ll be in Tokyo about an hour earlier than scheduled.

Ever been to Dulles Airport? It’s well named. It is as convoluted and impenetrable as the Brothers D., complete with an ultra modern Subway to nowhere and more twists and turns getting from one gate to another than the combined minds of these gentlemen. People movers that don’t move. Four trillion gates. But bright and airey.

It was raining heavily as we left "home" in a Saab/Fairchild puddle jumper, one step up from a crop duster. In Washington, the sky began to clear.

This Boeing 777 to Tokyo is large and comfortable. The flight attendants speak English and Japanese. The video system is on the fritz. And it’s cold. But not nearly as cold as outside. Fifty nine below zero according to the Too Much Information screen.

Like almost any flight these days, this one takes longer to exit than it does to enter. There’s a system for entering, but exiting is chaos. That’s the bad news. The good news is the people movers at Narita Airport, Tokyo move. And the security checkpoint people speak English, more or less. That said, their English is far better than our Japanese.

The Tokyo security checkpoint is jammed but like most major airports moves quickly and smoothly. Of course, there’s one poor elderly Japanese woman who gets her own personal pat down, reason unknown. And the lady from Atlanta who is worried about making her connection – in two and a half hours.

(TAIPEI) -- Talk about your "city that never sleeps. This place looks like Queens, smells like 32nd St. and runs at all hours and at warp speed. The main mode of transportation, at least so far, seems to be motor scooter. Dodging these bug like two-wheelers is what we now call "a challenge," but which more accurately are hell on wheels.

Day and night, these bugs are running over the highways, the alleys and the sidewalks. They park in herds.

The night market is not a formal place. It's a bunch of street vendors who gather after dark and sell everything that is legal, and probably some stuff that isn't. It's hard to tell the difference. But it's not just street vendors with carts full of cloth or hot noodles or souvenirs. It's brick and mortar stores as well. Want to buy a Honda at 10 PM? No problem. When last passed at that hour, there were no customers in the showroom, but it WAS open. How about a bridal gown at midnight? Two places to choose from, and both of them high end. Need a suit? How about an all night tailor. Or an auto repair place with "mechanics on duty 24/7?"

It's May. It's hot. It's humid. This is the tropics, afterall. But the Taiwanese have a trick to make you feel better about it. They -- as most of the rest of the world -- use the Celsius temperature scale. So when it's a sweltering 95 degrees, the local thermometers read a casual 35-ish, maybe even a little on the chilly side.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010

Some of this material has appeared in the Centre Daily Times newspaper of State College PA.

697 The Long and Winding Road

697 The Long and Winding Road.

As you read this, we are on our way from the US to Taiwan for a month's exploration. And the preparations have seemed endless, as do the new requirements for getting on and off and aircraft, or in this case, at least three aircraft. There's a puddle jumper from central Pennsylvania to Washington, a second from DC to Tokyo and a third from Tokyo to Taipei. On paper, counting layovers, the trip is about 30 hours. That's if everything works perfectly.

Nothing works perfectly. As far as is known, we're not on any "watch lists," we are carrying nothing the Transportation Safety Administration rules ban and our passports are current and in order. The weather projections are for a more or less clear sky along the whole route. But nothing works perfectly.

A regular aphorism on these pages says that when the "game is in the board room, it can't be won on the field." And right now, United, our carrier, and Continental are more focused on their so-called merger than they are in getting people from "here" to "there." (So-called merger because it's really an acquisition -- as are most so-called mergers.)

People interested in this trip ask "why don't you fly from New York?" The travel agent talked us out of it. First, there's the six hour drive to JFK. Then, coming back, it's either a six hour drive after a 30 hour flight or a stay in a New York area motel and THEN the drive back. More expensive. Nominally, less convenient.

Scoping out the Mount Tantamount Airport a few days before takeoff, we found... nothing. It was about eight in the evening on a Friday. No one in the building. No ticket window or baggage claim or snack bar open. But at least we got the lay of the land ... learned how to get an "e-ticket," and how to weigh baggage on an "official" scale. This probably is more accurate than standing on the bathroom scale at home, then standing on it while holding a suitcase.

Even earlier, we over-cautiously called and asked where we'd go through customs. The instant answer (didn't know there was such a thing as an instant answer in air travel, did you?) was "not here." Very helpful. So at this point we don't know whether the gifts we're carrying for relatives amounts to smuggling or whether we can just waltz through the gates with them. (There may be a huge underground in smuggled fish oil, vitamin pills and chocolate candy, you never know.)

The TSA has more rules and regulations and do's and don'ts than any mere mortal can count. Let's hope we've guessed right.

If you'd like to keep up with our "adventures," we are posting short items on the website of the Centre Daily Times newspaper. Here is the long and winding link. Caution: this is not the world's fastest loading website.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2010