1459 Billy from Sligo

(NEW YORK) -- “It’s not a lie.  It’s just a little knot in the truth,” says Billy from Sligo. In his 30s.  A hint of Ireland in the way he uses the language but not even a hint of a brogue.

“It’s like that Palin girl from Alaska.  Says she can see Russia from her house.  Me, I stand in my mother’s yard, I really can see the North of Ireland.”

But Billy, you were born on 12th Street and your mother’s yard is right off Queens Boulevard.

“Okay, my grandmother’s yard.”

Have you ever actually stood in your grandmother’s yard?  Have you ever even BEEN to Sligo?

“I thought we were going to talk about the border.”

Yes, but you’ve changed the subject.

“No, it’s you who did the changing.”

Point taken.  But how can one ask someone about what living near the border is like when you’ve never even BEEN to the border?

“It’s merely a pesky detail.”

Okay, pesky detail, why do you call the next country over “the North of Ireland” when it has its own name, which is “Northern Ireland?”

“No such country.  It’s only the people who live there and in London that think there is.  It’s just the north of Ireland.”

Relax, Billy. Have a glass of orange juice.

“You’re beginning to get my Irish up.”

A stereotype and cliche that’s beneath you.

Billy is an investment adviser.  He helps people from the US with ties to Sligo and south thereof to find tax relief, sometimes here and occasionally offshore.  But never in … ahem… The North of Ireland.

There are no known  knots in the truth about his investments.  And in the 21st century, no one much cares about the knots in the truth about his middle name, “from,” or his last, “Sligo.”  

So what are you doing for St. Patrick’s Day tomorrow, Billy?

“The office is closed.”

The office is not closed.  Just Billy.  He’ll do what he always does, make his pilgrimage to Old St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Mulberry St., possibly the world’s only (former) cathedral which is closed on Sundays.  Oh, yes, there’s mass.  But visiting as Billy would say “not encouraged.”

Old St. Patrick’s has been around far longer than the North of Ireland was declared a separate country.  It was around when Mulberry St. was referred to as “uptown.”

Billy loves the history.  So that’s where he goes on St. Pat’s day.  

He was, of after all, born on 12th Street, not on the shores of the River Garavogue or Sligo Bay and his mom still lives in Woodside.

Shrapnel:

--This is going to start like a bad joke, but it isn’t. A squat and frowning bulldog wandered into the garage the other night and so fierce was his face that he was frightening, even though on the small side.  But that dog worked the room like a rockstar and now has a house full of new friends.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1458 Let's Hear it for Utah

It’s so rare that a state legislature does sensible things that it’s worth noting when it happens.  In Utah, it’s happened twice in a short time.

First, they reinstated the firing squad in death penalty cases. Second, they’re preparing a registry of white collar felons similar to those that every state has for sex offenders.

First things first -- the firing squad.  Before you start railing about the death penalty, get real.  We have it. And as long as we have it -- whether right or wrong -- the right minded among us are likely to want the most expeditious and effective means.

And that’s a bullet.  The gas chamber is slow. The electric chair is slow and painful. We really have no idea about the effects of lethal injections even though we say we do.  No one who’s gone through one is talking.

Plus the Europeans who are trying to control our domestic operations policy like congress is trying to control the President’s foreign policy are in no hurry to supply the US with the necessary drugs.

Hanging?  Guillotine? The rack? Stabbing? Antifreeze?

All of these are cruel and because we don’t use them, they would be unusual if we did.  

Plus what’s more American than ending an argument with a bullet?  It may be cruel. But it’s certainly not unusual.

So, fellas, fire when ready!

Now for the really juicy one, the white collar crime registry.

Lawmakers have gathered the latest batch of those who’ve done their time and put their pictures and vital stats on posters.  Before you know it, one of those “Find Anyone” internet services will put the data base on line.

Maybe other states will follow through.  The folks in Salt Lake City say their state is a hotbed of fraudsters and tricksters and that white collar crime is epidemic.

So is this preventive medicine or locking the barn when the horse is stolen?

It’s the former. Why, if people have paid their debt to society?  Two reasons: first, like sex offenders, they’re likely to be repeaters. Second, it makes people aware of the issue as well as the men (it’s usually men who do this.)

When someone comes to you with a too-good-to-be-true scheme, remembering the registry will help you pause and think before you turn over your life savings.

It’s not likely to excite people in the way “the sex offender next door” might.  But excitement is the enemy of reason and those posters will make you think.

While the names and faces won’t mean much to most of us, the idea should.  Utah may be the home base for many a scam, but it’s not the home base for ALL of them.

“The ponzi schemer next door!”  It has a nice ring to it.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gail.com

© WJR 2015

1457 The Life of Brian

No, not Monty Python’s Brian Cohen the accidental fake messiah.  Brian Williams the intentionally fake actor who played a newsman on TV.

Before we go any further, let’s remember an old saying: “Be kind to people on your way up the ladder. You’re going to meet them again on the way down.” -- anon.

Okay, hold that thought.

Williams is on suspension for six months from his job as anchor of NBC Nightly News for exaggerating events in the life of Brian while pretending to cover a war and other lesser stories from the land of make believe.

NBC has brought back the admirable Ed Wynn lookalike Andy Lack as “Chairman” of the News Division to straighten out the mess Brian left behind and which was not entirely of his own making.

NBC news was the most watched of them all during Lack’s first term at the helm.  His successor was right out of the pages of the Peter Principle. Then up through the ranks producer Steve Capus tried to right the ship, but the new owners, Comcast, prevented him from doing much.

First they brought in corporate drone Pat Fili-Krushel, who’d done a lot of television.  Things like running the HR and charity offices at Time-Warner and non- news programming at ABC.  Notice, the only time the word “news” comes up in her resume, it’s prefixed with “non.” She was installed as News Czar.

This genius then recruited Capus’ replacement Deborah Turness.

Turness had run the ratings- leading pipsqueak ITV television service in her native England.

In his March 8, 2015 article for New York Magazine, Gabriel Sherman -- an actual news guy -- said this of Turness:

(Her)  success, and her glamour, made her something of a celebrity in London media circles. The papers noted how she competed in the 33-day Paris-to-­Beijing off-road car rally, was once married to a roadie for the Clash, and performed Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” at a major media conference.

A fine resume, wouldn’t you agree?

As all NBC’s nonsense was happening backstage, no one was keeping an eye on the loose cannon Williams who needed and needs “handling.”  No one was doing anything about on and off camera chaos which knocked the Today Show’s ratings to second place after 16 years at number one.  At the same time, the wheels were coming off “Meet the Press.”

Both Fili Krushel and Turness are mostly out of work. They’ll both get nice offices but no functions at NBC and when the current storm calms -- which it will -- no trace of either will remain.

Meantime, Lack and other big shots will have to figure what to do or not do with Brian.  During his earlier reign, Lack had made Williams a star.  The two men are said to be close.  But it’s said Williams has little support among the peasant class at NBC, and there’s good reason for that.

While moving up the ladder, Williams rightfully acknowledged being pulled from the top, but forgot he also was being pushed from the bottom.

Did he ever extend a hand down?  If he did, it was hard to detect.

At this point it’s tough to forecast the next chapter in The Life of Brian, a smart, funny and handsome man whom no one will trust again when his mouth is moving.

If he returns to the air, it will be in a downgraded capacity.  And if Comcast can temporarily control its obsession with HR and focus groups and do a little navel gazing, they’ll discover that they have a prime replacement already doing the news: the calm and calming, studious, serious, and believable veteran Lester Holt.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1456 The Bagpipe Theory

Today, we’re going to help solve one of life’s great mysteries.  But before we do that, we have to introduce you to the anatomy of a bagpipe:

Okay, got that?  Good.

The piper blows into the blowpipe, filling the bag, then squeezes, forcing the air into the chanter and the four drone pipes each of which is able to produce only a single note.

The result is that unique bagpipe sound, a melody with accompaniment that sometimes blends and sometimes clashes with the tune.

There are times you can pick out a song and others when you can’t.

And these things are loud.

Here we have a model for what goes on in modern America. There may be a melody there somewhere but you can’t quite identify it.

Now let’s play with numbers.  Let’s say instead of one bagpipe and one piper, you have two of each. Ideally, they’ll be playing the same song.  But if they come from warring clans, they may try to outplay the other and what you get is a lot of noise.

The melodies are still there, but you can’t pick them out.

There are too many rugged individualist pipers these days and no one can figure out what they play if they’re standing next to one another.  And they’re always standing next to one another.  And they’re always playing.

There are government pipers.  There are private pipers. There are poet and peasant pipers…  advertising pipers, political pipers, academic pipers. The field doesn’t matter and neither does the tune… if there is one.  They’re all doing the same thing: wrapping their message in so much noise you don’t fully understand it.

Why send a message that’s hard if not impossible to understand?  Easy.  They don’t want you to understand it, just take parts of it and invent the rest yourself.

Sometimes, this kind of message is ineffective. Here’s a likely example.  Pharmaceuticals.  You might be able to save yourself from the “heartbreak of psoriasis,” by swallowing or injecting such and such.  But you hear all those mandatory side effect announcements, possibilities of death  and other lesser maladaptations, and in 60 seconds of bad television, you’ll embrace your heartache.

But sometimes it’s VERY effective.  Guns.  By the time you finish with an ad that wants to sell you guns and ammo, you’ll be ready to think not that you can kill bad guys or hunt, but that the gummint is coming to take your freedom away.  There’s plenty of noise in the NRA spots.

Booze.  The chanter plays drink responsibly. But that’s not the message you hear.  The noise tells you “Get tanked.”

Someone ought to come up with a beer called “Responsibly.”  That way, there’d be a commercial for your drink in everyone else’s.  “Drink Responsibly!”

Politics.  Joe Average may be just your average guy, but he created 50- thousand jobs during his current term.  It’ll show people happily working.  You won’t be one of them.

Religion: try to hear what the preacher is preaching while the drone pipes are active.

So blow a Highland melody.  But try to filter out the drone and hear what they’re all really saying.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1455 Jodi Nef-Arias

All that’s left is the sentencing.  Maybe.

Jodi Arias was convicted of murder.  She killed her boyfriend Travis Alexander by stabbing him 29 times, slitting his throat back to the spine and shooting him.

She hid or destroyed evidence. And she lied and lied and lied and when caught she changed her story practically every day.

“I wasn’t there.”

Yes she was.

“Well, okay, I WAS there, but I didn’t do it.  There was this man and woman in ninja suits…”

Nope.

“Well, Okay, I did it. But it was self defense.”

No it wasn’t.

“Well Okay, I did it but Travis abused me.”

No he didn’t.

“Well, okay, he didn’t.  But I had a terrible childhood.”

The trial went on for months.  And months. And months.  The jury pronounced her guilty. But it couldn’t come up with a sentence, deadlocked and was dismissed.

So the murder conviction stood but they convened a second jury for the sentencing phase. Its job was to decide whether she’s executed or just spends the rest of her years in jail.  A unanimous vote was required.

The second jury deadlocked.  The vote was 11-1 in favor of death.  Jurors started deliberating last Thursday, February 26th. During all those hours since, the vote count never changed. Seven days later they threatened the judge with a mutiny unless she declared a mistrial. So she did.

Now it’s up to the judge, but the death penalty is off the table.  It’s either going to be life or life without parole.

Let’s be clear. The victim, Travis Alexander, was a huckster and on the sleazy side.  But he still was a human being and a little bit of fakery and a little bit of smarm does not rate a death sentence, especially not one as vile and violent as his murder.

So if all goes as scheduled, we’ll be free of Jodi-rama as of sentencing day, April 13th.  But nothing in this case has gone as scheduled.

It’s had more breaks than Humpty Dumpty.  It’s had more postponements than a baseball season in the monsoon season.  It’s had more delays than the Long Island Railroad.

Testimony was longer than the combined novels of Proust and Dostoevsky and more operatic than Die Meistersinger.

The judge was a clunker.  The prosecutor was a master showman but didn’t need to be.  The defense was inept… state hires who were paid millions.

Television coverage was so over the top that even Nancy “Everyone is guilty and I’m obnoxious” Grace was worn to a nub. At one point she was so tired she actually let a guest on her program finish a sentence.

Had the jury come up with the death penalty, the saga would continue for another 20 years. Mandatory appeals, and the microscopic inspection of every syllable in those novels and every note in that opera.

“Free Jodi” and “Spare Jodi” movements would spring up. The appeals for reversal or clemency would reach the Supreme Court and the Governor of Arizona.

Free US, Spare US. Put her in jail and leave her there.  It’s cheaper and less trouble in the long run.

Shrapnel:

--The New York City Schools will now close on two Muslim holidays.  Fine. If they’re going to close on anyone’s -- which maybe they shouldn’t --  they should close on everyone’s.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1454 The Forbes List and the Wealth Gap

“Round up the usual suspects” said the list maven at Forbes, the former magazine that has become a blog roll for every random financial seer and soothsayer who thinks John Maynard Keynes was the antichrist.

Thus, we have the 2015 list of “The World’s Billionaires.”  The list this year has 1741 slots.  Because of ties the number of people and the number of slots don’t match.  But the whole project adheres to “GAAP,” or Generally Accepted Accounting Principles… the very same standards that created the alternative universe that allows people to report income that doesn’t exist and may never… and render costs invisible.

Of course, the usual suspects rule the top of the list: Gates, Slim, Buffett, Ellison, the Walton family, the Koch Brothers, the Mars family, Soros, Icahn, the Facebook guy, one of the Google guys … same old bunch.

Microsoft’s Bill Gates is number one at $79.2 billion.  But there is a terrible wealth gap.  When you get to the bottom of the list -- the minimum figure for entry is one billion dollars -- there’s an 84-way tie for last place.Those bottom feeders have a combined net worth of $84 billion.  But most of them don’t even know one another, let alone stand any chance of combining wealth to knock the top guys down a few pegs. Maybe they could form a union.

Of the bottom 84, only 23 are Americans.  And those are the only people who concern us here today.  These people are practically on food stamps and welfare compared with the top of the list.

This is just plain unfair.  And we should be doing something about it.  And we should be doing it right now, today.

Tax the TOP 23 Americans to help level the playing field.  Else, how can you stop the top from keeping the bottom down?

Why, Gates alone is $56 billion richer than the combined worth of the 23 Americans in last place.  It’s just not right.

Seriously, it’s tough to bend your mind around these numbers.  If you have ten or 20 bucks in your pocket, you understand your wealth of the moment.  Buy a car for a few thousand, it’s still a realistic figure.  Buy a house for a few hundred thousand and you’re getting far enough away from understanding the dollar count. When you get to a billion, it’s beyond grasping. Like Generally Accepted Accounting Principles, the holocaust and the plague.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015

1453 Justice for All

The following story is inspired by real events but is parody.

Guy’s in the bag. Seriously in the bag. At four o’clock in the afternoon. He’s in his 60s and staggers into the Dollar Shop in need of the kind of relief men of his demographic and alcohol consumption level tend to need often.

He’s weaving his way toward the bathroom at the back of the store but doesn’t quite make it and so stands his ground and thus damages some merchandise on a couple of lower shelves, not to mention his pants.

The clerk calls 911 and soon a state trooper arrives and writes an appearance ticket.  This sits poorly with the drunk and he berates the officer at top volume.

Then he kicks the cop.  More than once. And this sits poorly with the officer who then does what cops do in such cases, he cuffs the guy.

The appearance ticket then magically turns into real charges: destroying the merchandise, resisting arrest, assaulting an officer and public intox.

The “suspect,” as fairness dictates we call him even though everyone in the store saw this, is jailed when he can’t come up with the bail, ten grand, likely more money than he’s ever seen in one place at one time, ever. Or ever will. Ever.

So now, he’s “in the system,” which as we learn from television is what the criminal justice establishment call his paperwork.

And what a system it is.

The local Grand Wizard of Judges in this particular system has recently had a little career setback.  The governor had named him to the State’s highest court.  But Grand Wizard withdrew his name from consideration after it was learned that he’d forwarded a Christmas e-card to a bunch of courthouse “co-workers” over whose rooms he presides.  The card was described as insensitive at best and racist at worst.   Perhaps expected for a Grand Wizard of Judges in a backwater, but not for someone on the state Supreme Court.  

Oh, and if you believe he withdrew voluntarily to further serve the People of New Roses County, there’s this bridge for sale up in Brooklyn.

Ordinarily, the leaking “suspect’s” preliminaries would be heard by a particular lower ranking judge.  But the Grand Wizard demoted that sterling fellow because while court was in session, he allegedly (as fairness dictates we say)  was trading text messages with the District Attorney, a reasonably attractive though fast- fading blue- eyed blonde with whom he is said to have a “close personal relationship.”

Veteran court watchers say the DA may also have the same kind of relationship with an underling in her office.  Plus she’s been accused by a disgruntled former employee of forging a third judge’s signature on a court order.

That charge is under investigation by the State Attorney General who is also under investigation for possible wrongdoing and by the County Commission, comprised of an assortment of dodos, mean spirited cranks and a feeble and easily and always out- voted minority party.

This is the “justice system” into which our “suspect” has been thrown.

Don’t expect a speedy trial.  Everyone in the courthouse is far too busy texting, sending greeting cards and making motel reservations to bother with small matters of justice.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2015