808 Out of the Can

808 Out of the Can

You can’t get the stuff out of the bottom of the can without adding water. Or the jar. It just can’t be done. Soup is the worst, especially “regular” soup as opposed to condensed where you have to add water anyway.

You open your minestrone, pour it into the pot or the microwave bowl and, of course, there’s still stuff at the bottom of the can. Teaspoon. Not good enough. Chopsticks. Still not good enough. So you add a little water and stir and pour, and at last, everything’s in the pot.

If Progresso wanted you to add water, they’d have told you so. The soup’s diluted now, though not by much. But still.

You never really see your face. The mirror is backward. You never really taste the soup the way it was intended.

Condensed soup has problems of its own. Sometimes it’s so gooey that you can’t get the stuff from the bottom out, either. Two remedies: (1) when adding water, fill only half the can and pour, then fill the can halfway again and stir and pour. This only works sometimes and with some soups. (2) Pour in the soup, add the water and then use a can opener on the bottom of the can and scrape what’s left into the pot.

But it’s not just soup.

Ever get everything -- EVERYTHING -- out of a jar of peanut butter or jelly? How about mayonnaise? Liquid detergent or softener or bleach?

Can you ever fully get that last quarter teaspoon of coffee out of the can? Maybe with tweezers. You can’t open the bottom of most coffee cans with a can opener and even if you could, you’d still loose most of the remaining grind.

You’d think by now there’d be a can that doesn’t greedily retain stuff. Maybe a Teflon lining or a lift out soft plastic lining.

If you could collect a year’s worth of can-leavings and keep them fresh, you could feed the whole neighborhood.

Maybe Campbell’s and Tide are trying to teach us etiquette: it’s impolite to use the last bit of anything left.

Shrapnel:

--How is it many of the same people who blame porn for sex crimes decline to blame right wing talk show hosts and politicians for the Arizona shootings? The consensus among them seems to be “the shooter is just crazy. Right... and you-all?

--Speaking of right wing wackos, former house majority leader Tom “The Hammer” Delay gets three years in the slammer and ten years probation for conspiracy and money laundering. Maybe he’ll get to work in the prison laundry or get to break some rocks. If ever he really serves a day.

--This is not a trick question: How do you teach curiosity? Now that most of us have internet access either at home or school or work or the public library, what do we do to get kids interested in stuff that’ll help them instead of just amuse them?



I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
© WJR 2011
Send comments to: wesrichards@gmail.com

807 Helen Thomas, Juan Williams

807 The Resurrections of Helen Thomas & Juan Williams

2011 is turning out to be a good year for journalists perceived as bigots.

Helen Thomas

You’d think that after taking as hard a fall as she did, and now 90 years old, that she’d call it a day after resigning from Hearst. “Get the Jews out of Palestine” was not her first anti-semitic remark. Nor was it her first loony outburst. There have been plenty of others on this and any number of other subjects. Still, as UPI reporter and White House Correspondent, she often churned the waters where they needed churning and asked rude questions that needed to be asked rudely.

So, now, here she is back with a column. At the Falls Church (VA) “News-Press,” a weekly paper with a circulation of about 30-thousand, and which appears to take itself VERY seriously. Falls Church is one of those Fairfax County Washington area suburbs where you can get away from the... um... “urban-ness” and pressure of Washington.

Won’t be long before someone decides to syndicate the column. And if the first one is any indication of what’s to come, someone should. It’s a fine analysis of the Social Security system ending with these two sentences:
Let's not give the newly empowered Republicans - and their blindsided tea party allies - the ability to wipe out or even mitigate the only economic security deprived Americans can count on. Where is their heart?

So the question is: should a 90 year old American journalist of Lebanese extraction be given a public voice after hearing her short anti-Jewish rant and long apology?

Yeah. It least we know where she’s coming from: she opines, you decide.

Juan Williams

Unlike Thomas, Williams is not ancient unless you consider 56 as such. He’s worked for some big time newspapers and until recently divided his time as a news analyst between National Public Radio and Fox News. Williams was forced out of NPR when he told his Fox viewers that he is uncomfortable when getting on a plane with people dressed in Arab garb.

The falling ax provoked a huge outcry from conservatives, who say Williams was exercising his right to free speech. NPR said at the time he was violating their guidelines. But NPR is really college radio on steroids, and so it took the college way out: appointed an investigating committee. In the real world, that means “find a fall guy.”

They found one and a half.

The committee’s report resulted in the firing of Williams’ former boss, Ellen Weiss, who canned him, and the denial of a 2010 bonus to CEO Vivian Schiller.

You might think that a thought similar to this occurred to the committee: Hey, we get lots of donations from big business. A lot of big business is fairly conservative and thinks of us as a liberal mouthpiece. Let’s get rid of someone so we make sure the bucks continue to roll in.

Did that happen? Who knows?

Weiss only fired the guy. Schiller, who remains in place minus the bonus, made Williams look like he should be in a padded cell somewhere.

Don’t cry for Juan, he’s landed on his feet, and much more lucratively than Thomas. He also expressed a feeling -- right or wrong -- that many others harbor but don’t mention.


I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
©WJR 2011
Send Comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

806 The Nothing Hour

806 The Nothing Hour

That would be 3PM. Why? Lotta reasons. It’s too early to go home. It’s too late for lunch or to start any new project. So nothing much happens between three and four.

By four, you can start cleaning up. Five starts happy hour. Six or seven maybe dinner, and then whatever you have planned for “thereafter.” But three? Nothing. Maybe make a few phone calls, check the baseball scores, play computer solitaire, surf the ‘net. Schmooze with your co-workers -- they’re in the same boat you are.

Three in the morning may be the loneliest hour in the day. Three in the afternoon is the Nothing Hour. Three to four in the afternoon also is the slowest hour of the day. It takes that minute hand way more time to reach 12 than at any other time. Check it out. You’ll see.

You can watch your clock hands turning or your digital watch flashing numbers. They don’t stop, or seem not to. But when you look away, the clock knows. And THAT’s when it stops. Until you look again, believing that half an hour has passed and find out it’s only been three minutes.

More at-work crossword puzzles get started at three pm than any other time of day. Ditto Sudoku. Ditto “Jumble.” Maybe the day should be 23 hours instead of 24. Of course, that would mean the entire world would have to realign its time zones. And every watch and clock would have to be replaced. Probably not going to happen.

More office gossip circulates around 3 pm than at any other time during a nine-to-five work day.

One of the makers of those “quick” energy drinks recommends you have one around two o’clock, to avoid that “2:30 feeling.” Why bother? Five hours of energy with no let down? At that hour? For what?!


Shrapnel:

--These posts are drafted and edited in Google Documents. The geniuses at Google have changed the program so it looks more like MS Word, which has many more bells and whistles but is harder to use, especially the latest version. Thanks for the “improvement,” guys... at least your program is free.

--The geniuses in the village of Great Neck, New York have banned outdoor smoking on the main … um … drag, which also runs through seven other small neighboring villages to the north and south. Go to the “Welcome to the Incorporated Village of Great Neck” sign, step over the dividing line and light up. But be sure your smoke doesn’t cross back over the border.

--Some members of the new congress spent their first day of “work” reading the constitution aloud, apparently trying to prove to their constituents that they can actually read. They can, and they can edit too, omitting at least one part. Unless you don’t call the part of the constitution labeling slaves ⅗ of a person part of the constitution.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them.®
©WJR 2011

805 Tipping

805 Tipping

So what's a "proper" tip? The question emerges after a holiday season with several restaurant meals, a haircut, and a car wash.

We Americans are used to tipping. So are most Europeans, Canadians, Central and South Americans. The "no tipping" policy we found in Taiwan last spring felt awkward. But they just don't do it there.

So, how much is enough?

In restaurants, 15% of the bill used to be standard, maybe a little more if the service was really good or the waiter was especially nice or funny or likable in some other way. But over time, and in flush years, that crept up to 20%. Now, when the check arrives at the table, the most oft asked question is "Why leave 20%? You'll never see this guy again." Good question now that times are less flush.

Twenty percent on a cab ride? Cabbies have it tough. They rent their cars, buy their own gas, and don't get a nickel until they've made the day's rent. If they own the car, they have to get a hack medallion. How much are they these days? At last check, about $250,000. That's not a typo. Imagine the cost of THAT small business loan. And you can't imagine the phone book-thick set of rules that go with it. But fares and fees have risen stratospherically in recent years, so what's a passenger to do?

The barber: It depends if you're going to a "stylist" or "just" a guy who cuts hair. And it depends on the price. Find a good guy at a good price and 40% is not outrageous. And it'll make him (or her) look forward to your next visit.

Politicians often expect tips, they just don't want to be seen accepting them. Amount negotiable.

Do you tip the guy at Home Depot for helping you load a 300 pound furnace onto a truck? If so, how much? How about the mail deliverer at Christmastime? (Not legal, but who is watching?) The exterminator, the phone tech? The geek from the Geek Squad? The trash/garbage/recycling collector?

The amount sometimes feels like you're buying "protection." But sometimes it makes giver and receiver feel good. Especially these days.

Shrapnel:

--Trouble aboard the "Enterprise." Not THAT "Enterprise," the aircraft carrier of the same name where the Captain's been relieved of his command for making and showing homemade "blue" movies to the crew. His name is Owen Honors.

--Merry Christmas to our friends attending church at Our Lady of Lourdes in Massapequa, Long Island, all 7500 of you. Good chance your wafer contained more than you thought. The local health department says one of the guys who handled the wafers has Hepatitis A. No one sickened so far, but the danger remains.

--If you're reading some classics, and you wonder why they go on and on and on, here's an answer. Many writers were paid by the word or by the "installment." Given that arrangement, what would you do?

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2011

804 Click Dark

804 Click, Dark

Enough downtime, already. This is new for 2011.

Dick Clark is an icon and a hard man to work for, even for those of us who did so but never saw, let alone met him. As head of UniStar Radio, he had people in place to run a tight ship. Typical newsroom hours. Typical newsroom chaos. But plenty of comradery, much of it left over from the days of its previous owner, the RKO Radio Network. These news people were mostly friends and long time colleagues. We were shielded from those Clark temper tantrums laced with swearing, something his viewers would be shocked to know of, let alone hear.

At one point, word spread that the whole UniStar shebang was moving from 40th and Broadway to Washington, D.C. At that point someone -- can't say who, at least not with a straight face -- scotch taped a little sign beneath the newsroom light switch. It said "Click, Dark." It took management about two weeks to realize what the word play meant before they took it down. And by then, it was in the air as a daily funereal laugh.

We never even heard of him being in the building, if ever he was. Today, UniStar soldiers on as a second tier broadcast syndication outfit. And Dick Clark soldiers on as a broadcast personality, but should he?

Dick had a stroke 2004 just before his annual Times Square New Year ball drop broadcast, which he was unable to attend. A year later, he was back, sort of, and has maintained that position ever since. Conveniently, ABC has a Times Square studio, usually used for "Good Morning America." "Sort of" means he sat behind a desk. You saw movement only from one hand. You could barely understand him.

So Dick sits in the nice warm studio, about one floor above pavement level and Ryan Seacrest does the real work outside. Six years after his "comeback," he has motion in both hands, mobility in his face. And his speech remains slurred, but not nearly as badly as at first.

You have to figure that the guy has both a strong constitution and the time and money to take advantage of the best (read "most expensive") rehabilitation, physical therapy and speech therapy available.

So why, at the age of 81 does he continue this ordeal, and make no mistake, doing this show HAS to be an ordeal? It isn't for the money, though Clark has made no secret of his reasons to be in the rock 'n' roll business: Money. It probably isn't to show other stroke patients that life can go on. He's doing it because he's Dick Clark. And "Rockin' New Year's Eve" is what Dick Clark does.

For those who want him to go away, it'll be "Click, Dark" soon enough.

Shrapnel:

--Holiday decorations still up? When's the right time to take them down? Ever think of keeping them in place for the rest of the year?

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2011

803/03 Talk Talk Talk

803/03

Talk Talk Talk

This is another in the short series of early Wessays™ repeats. It had been filed without a date in 2005.

Want a decent conversation? Start talking to strangers.

Not chat room strangers, real ones. Strangers on the street. On the subway. In the diner.

We’ve been told that the art of conversation is dead. Not even close. The art of conversation is alive and well. It’s just that your friends are boring and your relatives have ulterior motives.

Let’s rewind that for a moment. Your friends aren’t necessarily boring. But you know their rap and they know yours. It’s like having the same conversation over and over again.

And your relatives -- well, maybe they DON’T have ulterior motives. But you know that there are certain things you can’t discuss with them, lest you raise points that’ll never be solved and that will just cause everyone grief.

So do this New York thing: horn in on a convo. If you’re REALLY not welcome, you’ll find out soon enough. The conversers whose territory you’ll be invading will give you the Dark Glare Of Death. Or they’ll just tell you to shove off.

Most people are too polite for that.

Plus, we humans are social beings, even most of the sociopaths among us, and thus are willing to talk with anyone about anything.

Just don’t be like the Oysters in “Alice In Wonderland.” They tried to stop a fight between the Walrus and the Carpenter, and ended up becoming dinner after the combatants resumed rationality.

Other than that… there’s all kinds of fun and interesting stuff that can happen among people who don’t know each other and assume they will never again meet.

The other day at a restaurant, Iron Grey Joe was waxing poetic about the mayor of the city of New York.

In the midst of his poetic endorsement of said mayor’s re-election, he said something outrageously untrue. So, he got corrected. The conversation then doubled to include two tables of diners instead of one.

It would have been nice to continue. But Iron Grey Joe and his poetic wax suffered a seizure or stroke or heart palpitation, and attention was turned suddenly and permanently to getting the cops and the ambulance on site and Joe to the hospital.

This is not a typical end to one of these horn-in-on-the-conversation conversations. Usually, you end up learning something and teaching something.

The opportunities for good talk, good learning and good teaching are endless, especially if there’s no ulterior motive.

If one of these happens at a pick up bar, it will be less spontaneous and more stilted than if it happens while waiting for the light to turn green.

We, remember, are as boring and same-subject as our friends and as touchy as our relatives. The way to have a fresh start every day is to … well, start fresh every day. Or every other day. Or even every week.

The art of conversation is not dead. It’s just sick, and lacks health insurance.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.™

©wjr 2005, 2010

802/99 Too Many Rights

802/99 Too Many Rights

Third in our series of year end re-runs, this originally ran 6/18/06

This could have been Abbott and Costello. Or Olsen and Johnson. Or Laurel and Hardy.

But it wasn't. It was just "E" and "K" trying to put together a four-drawer plastic cabinet.

The first hint that all wouldn't be well was the label on the box: one part of it said "easy to assemble." There is no such thing as easy to assemble. And it's especially difficult when it says on the box "easy to assemble."

Also on the box: product descriptions in three languages, one of which was Spanish. One of the things it said in Spanish was "quatro cajones." You have to assume the word has at least two meanings and the meaning Black & Decker had in mind was drawers. The kind that slide in and out, not the kind that slide up and down.

So Einstein and Kepler, "E and K," unpack the thing, all the while admiring its sturdy all-vinyl construction and its attractive two tone grey finish. There are 4,000 parts. There are no instructions. Not even instruciones. Just pictures. Smeared, vague, poorly drawn pictures.

Step by step, though. Now, here's Kepler trying to put the sides into the bottom, while Einstein studies the drawings. Then, Kepler studies the drawings and Einstein gets the second side into the bottom.

Building this thing goes on and on and on. It's 90 degrees. The vaudeville duo is out in the garage disputing whether it would be cooler with the door open or closed.

What happens when you get a great scientific vaudeville duo performing in a garage on a hot summer-like weekend and looking for distractions and an excuse to return the thing without losing face?

Here's a handy hint when doing this yourself: you can't un-do some of those plastic things without wrecking them, so get it right the first time.

Next, metal sliders with wheels, one pair for each of the four drawers and one for each of the sides of the cabinet.

Laurel and Costello look for markings on the metal. Right. Left. Whatever. Some are marked some are not. No problem. Two great minds can figure out which unmarked metal goes where. This is why we win Academy Awards and Nobel Prizes.

Nothing lines up. There is no way to get the drawers into the cabinet without them either sticking in there or falling out under load – load being the weight of the drawer itself.

Reverse things. Unscrew things. Screw things back. Double check the blurry instruction pictures.

Off to the store to inspect the floor model. No floor model. They don't have these anymore. Small wonder. But a helpful guy shows the two great scientists and vaudeville and movie performers how these kinds of things typically work. Easy. No problem. No problemo.

All it takes is a little patience and quatro cajones.

Finally, there's a case conference. Should this thing go back? The scent of defeat is in the air. Find an excuse.

Carefully going over ground covered and re-covered for hours, the two superheroes find the face-saving excuse they need: the drawer sliders were counted wrong at the factory.

There are nine right sides and seven lefts. That's too many rights.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2006, 2010