1368 Fitness Center, Sprint Cars, Reverse Customer Service

Awhile back, we joined the YMCA. Fine outfit.  Lovely people.  Good facilities.  Nice swimming pool and even a warmed bounce around pool for those of us of a certain age who do or tried to do underwater exercises.

But eventually the trip became a nuisance.  Drive a few miles.  Check in.  Change. Shower.  Exercise and or swim, shower again, change and drive back.

After awhile we just stopped going.  Some time goes by and we join a private club that’s closer to home.  Same kind of nice people and everything else… except no pool.

But after awhile, that got to be a chore, too.

And we rationalize.

Just remember, Jim Fixx, the guy who started the jogging movement died of a heart attack after his morning run.  He was 52.

We remember.

We also remember what riding a bicycle, even a stationary bike can feel like to your knees and your… um… hemorrhoids.

And what a “dead lift” can do to your back.

And the people who never wiped down the machines after using them.

Now a friend from the Jersey Shore has figured out something smart.

He’s joined a health club that’s in a hospital.

What a great idea.

You fall off the treadmill or have a heart attack among the free weights and you’re right there where you can get treatment.

Not only that, but you save time because you don’t have to call 911, all you have to do is say the magic words “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”

The emergency people will be there in a heartbeat.  First, saving lives is their jobs.  And also, if they’re too slow, think about the headline: “Man dies of heart failure at hospital fitness center.”  Or “Hospital treadmill crushes elderly jogger.”

Or Dr. Oz does a segment on germs you find on those exercise machines.

Terrible way to attract customers and patients.  The friend isn’t elderly, but he’s working toward it.

But even with good service, the hospital faces a quandary.

How do you make up what you don’t charge for an ambulance ride … because there IS no ambulance ride?

They have to hope that the health club and the emergency room are not on the same floor.

That way they can charge you for the gurney ride to the elevator and then the elevator ride to the E.R.  And maybe they can slip you a couple of extra $50 aspirin tablets.

Shrapnel:

--Sprint cars in the news a lot lately, especially as Tony Stewart’s terrible track record for causing death, injury and pileups in small venues in small locales.  Hotheads on the track are as common in this “sport” as they were in Hockey a decade ago.  But unlike in a hockey fight, drivers are not using sticks, they’re using high powered machinery… cars with vertical wings that look like they might fly off the track as their drivers fly off the handle.

--When you finally reach a live body at customer service, start the conversation by saying “this call may be recorded for quality assurance and training.” That’ll throw them off script before they utter a word.  Or this: “your answer is very important to us, please wait for the next available customer…” and follow by humming an off-tune melody.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1367 Don't Take the Kids

Like all other retail stores, restaurants are entertainment.  They’re not just places to eat.

Screaming babies and hyperactive toddlers are not entertainment.  Not on planes and boats and trains.  And certainly not in restaurants.

And neither are their doting parents or grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

“Oh, look! Little Jimmy is going ballistic again. Don’t you just love it?  They’re so cuuuute at this age.”

No, you don’t love it.  It gives you indigestion before you have anything to digest.

“Oh, look!  Little Jimmy is racing around the dining room, darting under tables, yelling and screaming and that’s just so darling!”

Nope.

And should some other patron complain, the parental retort is always something along the lines of “Little Jimmy is so good at expressing himself.  We wouldn’t want to stifle that, would we?”

Oh yes we would.

There’s little more maddening behavior than some spoiled brat exploding his lungs at you when you’re trying to have a private meal in a public place.

Then, there’s Chris Shake.  Shake owns a seafood joint, The Old Fisherman’s Grotto.  It’s on the wharf in Monterey, California.  And he’s up to his gills in hot water.

Grotto now bans strollers, booster seats and high chairs.

There are signs in the place telling you so.  On the restaurant’s website, he adds (in huge type) “Children crying or making loud noises are a distraction to other diners… and are not allowed in the dining room.”

Score one for peace and quiet.  Elsewhere on the website: “We welcome families with children and we serve many every day.  We only ask that they abide by our rules.”

It’s a small restaurant and although the policy isn’t new, there’s a shipwreck-caliber storm brewing about it.  

One parent was heard to harrumph “I’ll take my business elsewhere.”  Fine. Please do.  And while you’re at it, pick another airline or tour bus, too. And tell us which ones you’ve chosen so we can avoid them.

This is not the Confederate State lunch counter where people were barred because they weren’t white.  This is striking a blow(fish) for calm waters.

It’s also great publicity for a small business.  You can’t buy this kind of advertising.  

The United Mommies of America will try to fry Chris Shake.  

Batter up.

Grapeshot:

-Take the brats to Chuck E. Cheese where screeching is expected and welcome.

-Who but the Russian people will suffer now that Putin has banned food imports from the US and the EU?

-Airstrikes in Iraq… another brilliant move from the geniuses in the Obama administration and maybe even the president, if someone awakened him.

-Sen. Plagiarist (D-Montana) has ended his election campaign and people are wondering who wrote his announcement.

Shrapnel:

--The teeeny town of Loving Texas wants your nuclear waste, since there’s nothing else to do there in anti-government Rick Perry country but hunt for government contracts.  They’ll probably get what they’re asking for.  The 98 residents will turn green, and it won’t be from envy.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1366 The Experience

It’s an old story.  You’re fresh out of school looking for work.  Employers want someone with experience.  You have no experience, therefore you have no job.

But you have to. But you don’t. But you can’t.  An endless loop that eventually gets you to put your B.S. in subatomic physics from Caltech on the shelf and start experience saying “welcome to megamart.”

The other side of that rock goes like this:  “You’re overqualified.”  So you put your 25 years of experience at Big Burger on the shelf and get a job pushing broom at the Caltech physics building.

You can’t un-do “overqualified” any more than you can break the first-job loop.

Looking for a solution here?  You won’t find it.  But what you will find are adventures with yet another overused and devalued piece of word currency, experience.

Your shopping experience.  Your customer service experience.  Your volunteer experience.  Your concert experience.  

What?

Yes, it’s right there on the Velveeta box.  “You could win … a concert experience.”  

They probably mean you could win tickets to a concert.  That would be nice as your printer keeps churning out those resumes.

What is a “concert experience?” Do they strap you into a concert simulator and play videos?

Then, there’s “Experience Washington dot com.” That’s a tourist site for the state, not the nation’s capital.  

Just what is a “Washington experience?”  Rain? Legal pot?  Or just another tightly grouped Starbucks and its competitors.  Couldn’t they just say “Come to Washington and thread the Space Needle” or something?

And not to pick on Washington, how about “Experience Grand Rapids?”  Put that on your bucket experience list.

To bend the word a little more toward its original meaning, the AARP invites you to the Experience Corps.

This means once you break that no-experience-therefore-no-job loop, you can help others with their own fear-of-poverty experience.

Your correspondent is a graduate of the Antioch University School of Adult and Experiential Learning which has since changed its name several times.  The acronym “SAEL” does not roll off the tongue easily and it’s not nearly complicated enough for Antioch.

But that name wasn’t exactly straight forward, either. It’s a school.  

Soon we’ll be training our cats for a litterbox experience.

McDonald’s or a competitor will get the bright idea and advertise their dining experience.

Once we tire of the word, we’ll need a substitute.  And waiting in the wings is “adventure.”

Let’s all forget about the concert experience  and wait for a concert adventure.

Shrapnel:

--Rupert Murdoch says he wanted to play nice in taking over Time Warner which rejected his $80 billion offer. So he withdrew it, which isn’t his style. Wonder what his next move will be.

--The country’s largest newspaper publisher, Gannett, is taking a tip from Murdoch and separating itself into two companies, one for print and one for everything else.  Another vote for the future of dead tree news. Oh, and they’re “restructuring” their newsrooms, which means firing people.

Grapeshot:

-News in papers may be old before the ink is dry but usually it’s more reliable and deeper reaching than any other medium.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com and tell me all about your experiences.

© WJR 2014

1365 Please Wait

Of all the stupid one-liners your computer throws at you the worst of them has to be “please wait.”

What PLEASE!  You have no choice.  When you see that demand you must comply.  

You can’t say “no, thank you.”

And you can say “NO, no no” at top volume and forever.  It will do no good.

The machine is going to sit with that little polite-atude frozen to the screen until it makes up its processor to let you continue.

In the early days, before computers went to charm school, if you did something that required the machine and the electrons to bop around for awhile, you’d get one of two responses.

The first and most ominous was “Illegal command” followed by at least one exclamation point.  A frustrated coworker at a balky terminal once typed in a blunter version of “go self-reproduce.”  Illegal Command!  

The gentler programs and computers would flash the word “working” on your screen, sometimes accompanied by a cute graphic to keep your impatient self amused while it went about its business. No

more.

“Please wait” is like when the cop pulls you over on the highway, approaches you with his hand on his gun and addresses you as “sir” or “ma’am.”

He’s being polite.  Sooo polite.

But he’s a cop. And he has his hand on his gun, so the politeness is lost on you.

My Android phone has a habit of flashing a message that says “something went wrong.  Please wait while we log you back in.”

Could you be any more traffic cop-like?  There isn’t anything you can do with the phone but wait. So why bother with “please?”

I’d prefer “just a moment” if you want sincere politeness.  Otherwise a simple “wait” without the please will do just fine, thank you.

Let’s get straight who is in charge here.  

A computer with a sadistic streak could even say “wait, peasant!  We’re working on what you want and it’s going to take awhile.  Sit there and stew in your own juices.”  You can’t even type in the above mentioned “illegal command.”

A more passive computer might say “please understand, we are an inferior program and not ready for the kind of use we sometimes get. This is going to take some time.”

That’s wordy.  But at least it’s politeness without the flashing red lights and the cop with his hand on the gun.

Shrapnel:

--While on the topic of electronics, an etiquette problem.  With so many people leaving their phones on all the time, you have to think twice about the hour you send a message or text. Chances are you don’t want to awaken a sleeping recipient with word of your two year old’s latest “cutest thing.”

--Newsweek trumpets on its website that it’s back in print.  We’ll see how long that lasts.  Meantime, has anyone seen an actual copy on a newsstand?

--Review of car reviews:  Consumer Reports doesn’t like the Audi A-30 all that much but gives relatively high marks to the competing Buick Regal.  The New York Times dismantles the Ford Fiesta Ecoboost. And Edmunds.com praises the Tesla all-electric but says a year of driving it required too many repairs.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1364 Too Beautiful

When it comes to beauty queens, Kazakhstan likely isn’t the first country that comes to mind.

But Sabina Altynbekova might change your mind.  She’s 17 years old, though some say she’s 18. She’s a member of her country’s national youth volleyball team which is competing in an all-Asia tournament in Taipei.

Still young enough to play because the rule book says all team members must be “under 19,” and as far as can be determined, 18 is still under 19.

And her coach says she’s getting too much attention. So what?  So, he says, this takes away from attention that “should” be paid to the team’s athleticism.

Pardon us, coach.  But nobody paid any attention to your tournament for ANY reason. Ever.  And before Sabina’s too-beautiful-to-play accusation, no one would have.  Or should.

The Kazakh paper “Vesti” has joined in on the side of the coach.  It says everyone’s just staring at Sabina instead of watching the game.

It’s impossible to say why.

Too distracting?  Probably.  So what?  She sells tickets. And sports is a business.  Even high school-age sports.

Some of her teammates agree with her coach and reportedly have begun shunning her.

But not the fans.  Overflow crowds.  Newspapers. TV. People from western Europe and the US marveling over a child from a country we wouldn’t have heard of without the movie “Borat” and who “looks (Oh, goodness!) Chinese.”

Forty percent of the country is in Asia, the rest in Europe.

So, some suggestions to get people to watch the game:

1.  Tell them to watch the game.

2. Let the TV people “tile” her out of the picture.

3. Tell everyone you’re watching the game and not the girl and then watch the girl.

The “official” and journalistic responses and the shunning add up to bullying.

It’s not only the overweight, the unattractive and the people who get straight a’s in class who are subjected to getting cornered and threatened or isolated or ignored.

But come on, people.  There are new wars raging in the Middle East and Ukraine.  There are old wars raging in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Armed conflict is but a sneeze away Iran, Syria.  Same with Taiwan and China. And we’re concerned with a kid from nowhere in an event about nothing?

A year from now when Sabina is on the cover of Vogue and has a multimillion dollar contract with the Ford modeling agency and is a spokeswoman for Chanel or Versace and a color commentator for ESPN, this will all blow over.

Shrapnel:

--Awarding Republican Governor Scott Walker an election year victory, the Wisconsin Supreme Court has upheld the newly raised bar against collective bargaining.  The court says collective bargaining is a “creation of legislative grace, not constitutional obligation.” Really, now… we’ll see about that.

Grapeshot:

-Our condolences to our congressfreaks, forced to “work” right into their August recess, part of the 239 days they were or were to be on vacation this year.

-Question for soon-to-be disgraced Brooklyn detective Louis Scarcella now that his questionable case closings have risen to 71 including seven vacated sentences: How do you sleep at night and how do you face yourself in the mirror.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1363 Sarah Pay-Lin

So $100 bucks a year on your credit card and you’ll get advance word and looks at all the Palin you could ever want right on your computer.

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has started her own internet TV service.  No filters between her “truth” and your checking account or MasterCard.  (She may not accept Visa because you never know whether a Visa is real or it’s just another illegal invader coming over the border to drain your wallet, when that’s HER job.)

The disgraced vice presidential candidate is a woman of many talents, and we expect to see all of them on display.  Well, almost of them.

The mama grizzly (maybe that should be mama grisly) Sarah will show us how to protect our loved ones.

The death panel sentinel will give us advance warning of their formation along with those prison camps for patriotic Americans who don’t go along with the Kenyan Socialist party line.)

We’ll be able to see all the shots of her toting guns, shooting moose from a helicopter, and her charming children (and possible grandchild.)

We’ll see her famous bikini pictures (the beach is Kinkade/Sandy in Anchorage, and were shot last March.  This woman may have a record-setting tolerance for cold.)

But best of all, we’ll get all the latest on the Impeach Obama movement.  You KNOW you want to know more about that!

The channel so far is a collection of home movies. Well, not movies, but videos similar to those she’s already posted on Facebook and other social media sites.

And she’ll show us how to “unlock” our natural resources so as not to be held hostage by OPEC over oil and Ukraine for gas. (Meantime, frack baby, frack!)

People are wondering whether that hundred bucks is only an introductory price and once we get hooked on Sarah, the rates will go up or we’ll be herded into a two year contract.  Ah, but that’s true capitalism.  So let’s not quibble.

For those of us who have not found Saturday Night Live funny for decades… for those of us who will miss Colbert as he moves from Comedy Channel to CBS, for those of us who look up to people with room temperature IQs… let’s hear it for SarahVision.

And for those of you who slept through Biology in the tenth grade, a real “Mama Grizzly” weighs 800 pounds, is covered in fur and stinks.

We can’t find statistics or odorifics on a Hockey Mama Grizzly.

Wonder if she takes Confederate money for subscriptions to that video stream.

Wonder what happens to your payment if she resigns in mid-term, since she seems to do that habitually.

Shrapnel:

--Al Qaeda is having a fundraiser.  They’re kidnapping rich Europeans who are paying handsome ransoms, something we don’t do in this country, at least officially.  Is this tax deductible?

Housekeeping Grapeshot:

-Received a lot of mail about the blog’s new look, thank you, and all comments were positive.

-Thanks also for giving “Geckos” the highest number of single-day clicks since Wall Street Thieves on November 6, 2013.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments and death threats to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014

1362 Spatial Relations: Russian Geckos in Orbit

Before I begin, let me ask you this:  Did you know that 15 minutes could save you up to 15% on your car insurance?  

How do I know that?  This guy told me:

But the Geico Gecko is just a computer animation.  This is what a real one looks like:

Pretty similar, right?  The real one doesn’t speak with a British accent.  In fact, he doesn’t speak at all.

Some time back, Russia put a few of these critters in a spaceship and sent them into orbit.

Scientists wanted to know the effect of weightlessness on Gecko mating.

Why? Who knows.  But they probably offer research grants in Russia the same way they do here in the US.

Now, comes a problem.  Moscow has lost contact with the Gecko-nauts.  Previously launched flights returned to earth bearing dead geckos, mice and fruit flies.

Chances are that will be the same result this time.

Oh, PETA, where art thou?

Geico has humanized these lizards.  So you can expect an uproar.  They’ve killed the poor little critters.  And here we were hoping to adopt a rescue gecko who speaks our language, albeit with a funny accent.

But this should give pause to those of us who wanted to don our Doc Martens boots then hunt and stomp every little pixel in the obnoxious little cartoon.

Why should all the fun go to the Russians?  They don’t have to suffer through those endless car insurance ads.

Do we really need to know the effect of limited gravity on the sex lives of these lizards?

Of COURSE we do.

Four females, one male.  And there’s still hope for them.  The spaceship was launched on July 19th.  They have 60 days worth of food and water.

So it won’t be until mid-September that the experiment will have failed.

Meantime, we can hope to hear the telemetry.

Male to female #1:  What’s your sign?

To female #2: Come here often?

To female #3: My wife doesn’t understand me.

To female #4: I promise I won’t put this tape on the internet.

Other pickup lines:  Want to come over and see my etchings?  Have you seen me on TV? I’m a wild and crazy guy.  Buy you a drink?  I’m friends with Vladimir and ex-KGB.  Are you with someone?

Or: I see we have a lot in common.  I, too, travel a lot.

Shrapnel:

--Not for the first time in recent years, Russia is experiencing a brain drain…  almost a quarter million smart people leaving have left.  Reuters reports these are the very people Russia needs most to build its economy. The reason: critics of Putin are getting that creepy, unwanted feeling and want to get out on their own terms while they still can.

--New Hampshire is a small state with big contradictions.  It’s among the most libertarian in outlook,  but there’s a government retail liquor monopoly. And technically, though this will change, that monopoly does not recognize i.d. from parts of America that are not states… like Washington D.C.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014