1830 Foot in the Florida Room

You have to admire some guys.  They really do live for their hobbies and do their jobs just to pay the bills. 

All of the "life coaches" tell us we should find something we love when we look for a job, and then work won't be work.  They are, as usual, wrong.  Find something you hate.  And forget about it at the end of the day.

Foot O'Brien was saying that, sitting at the table in his Kew Gardens "Florida Room," which seems like a strange name for a room in Queens, but that's what it is.  Foot got the name Foot by changing his previous name from Inch, which drew a lot of laughs at closing time.  He got the name "Inch" from the Danny Kaye movie about the guy who wrote fairy tales.  It had a song about inchworms measuring marigolds.   Foot measures stuff, too. 

He's a business accountant.  A bean counter who refuses to eat beans and doesn't really much care for counting.

"See any accounting crap around here?"  he asks.  "No computer. No spreadsheets, no ledgers, not even a (expletive) #4 pencil!"

Foot doesn't bring the office home.  He doesn't even have a calculator.  But he DOES have a typewriter.  Actually, that's not quite accurate.  He has a load of them. 

Some of them are pristine and shiny.  Some are dusty and old.  Some are in pieces on a workbench.  That's what Foot does.  Foot restores typewriters.  

For whatever reason -- and if you ask him why, he'll tell you "because it makes you ask me why,"  which is not a real answer, but it's all you're going to get.  He's been doing it for years.  It's what he does.  

Used to be, you had a problem with your typewriter, Foot was the go-to guy.  Almost no one uses the things anymore.  So no one goes to the go-to guy.  Which is fine with Foot.  He never cared about your problem.  He cared about the machine.

He can look up when each of the typewriters was built.  Not just the year, but even the DAY.   He's a guy who does his job to pay the bills, leaves the office in the office, has a Florida Room in Queens and has forgotten more about typewriters than Smith or Corona ever knew.

If you ask him -- and often even if you don't, he'll talk your ear off about typewriters.  Just don't ask him about pencils or beans.

SHRAPNEL:

--The President spent some time the other day promoting technology for veterans with health problems. His first suggestion was to sit in the electric chair.  The second was to “drink this stuff… like my grandmother… who was sick… she took this and felt great when she died ten minutes later.”

--Was this before or after the latest admission? You know… the one where he lied about getting a congratulatory phone call after delivering a campaign speech to the Boy Scout Jamboree? Honest Sarah Huckabee not only has a diabetes cure to sell you but she now says the call never happened.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1829 True Grit and the Rhinestone Cowboy

Alzheimer’s is a sneak thief. It steals the brain a little at a time.  So when we heard years ago that Glen Campbell was victim of a break in, we knew what was coming.  Still, it was a shock to hear that Campbell, 81, had died.

He didn’t go quietly. He didn’t go privately.  His fourth wife made sure he left a message along with his legacy.  The message was “this is what can happen. Be ready for it. There is no cure.”

Long before the signs of this grotesque affliction appeared, the Rhinestone Cowboy rode into Rockefeller Plaza and wowed the outdoor Today Show crowd with the songs everyone knew.  True Grit. Rhinestone Cowboy. Wichita Lineman. Gentle on My Mind.

This also was long before the Today Show turned into a daily marathon.  In those days it ended at 9am.  The performers at what we called the Friday Concert Series often stayed on for awhile afterward.  Sometimes, the audience and the performer were so into each other the show went on for awhile off camera.

And that morning -- it was somewhere in the mid 1990s -- Campbell stuck around, then plopped himself into a chair next to me and drank from a bottle of water.  

He looked as he always did.  Vigorous. Youthful. But there was a hint of some cosmetic surgery. Nothing big. But up close, you notice.

I had some questions. Always do. Not about the face-tightening. Not about the drugs, the alcohol, the four marriages. The dalliance with Tanya Tucker.  That would have been rude.  

Instead, the question was about how many violins there were on the original recording of Wichita Lineman.  The question surprised him. And then there was the one about his traveling with an electric 12 string guitar.  The big acoustics, he said, were too bulky for touring. Questions like that must have piqued his interest because the conversation went on long after most of the rest of the news people went home.

What was it like to work with John Wayne? (“What you see is what I saw.”) Do you really know all the cracks in the dirty sidewalks of Broadway? (“I didn’t write the Rhinestone Cowboy. But I researched it.”) I took that for a yes.

Once diagnosed, Campbell set out on a farewell tour.  It was a long farewell.  But he never got to the finish line.  After awhile the sneak thief took too much. He forgot lyrics in the middle of songs he had performed --what-- a thousand times?  Five thousand?

He was down. But not so far down that he couldn’t record that one final album.  In the recording studio there are endless retakes if you don’t get the words right or the guitar solo is filled with clinkers.

The musical legacy is one of a kind.  Everything from rock to sentimental ballads, movie music (True Grit) to country.  He knew how to pick a song.  And he certainly knew how to pick a guitar -- ask anyone else who tries.

This is not genius. It’s not great art. It’s competence mixed with sincerity, familiarity and comfort.  And he evoked that in all of us.

We all knew yesterday would come, and so it did.  We knew we’d feel that tinge we feel when someone whose work has been part of our lives for what seems like forever dies. It’s shock, but not surprise.

Oh… and by the way, there were 23 violins in the orchestra for the original “Wichita Lineman” recording.  Got that fact from the Lineman’s mouth.

Gentle on My Mind: Vocal with Guitar Solo

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1828 Trump's Magic Camera

You take a digital picture, and suddenly there it is on your screen.  Faster than you can say Polaroid. Many if not most of you have at least one of these.  Even a friend who carries an unregistered cellphone he has in case he needs to call 911.

Trump, ingenious fellow that he is, has a new version, not yet out on the market.  You take a picture and instead of instantly appearing on the screen, the subject disappears from in front of you.

Poof! Gone.

So the day before yesterday, the President of the United States lowered himself by actually raising himself out of his chair, then ambled down the hall to Scary-moochie’s office, stuck his head and camera into the door and snapped the shutter.

Scaramucci portrait by Donald J. Trump

The president can’t stand a mini-me who outshines him even momentarily.  On his way back to the oval office, he stops at Sarah Huckabee’s desk and she hands him a single sheet of paper.

As we were able to do with the Priebus memo to Kelly, we have photographed it.  Here it is:

To: President Trump

From: Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Subject: Reasons to tell the press you fired Scaramucci.

1. He failed to turn over Hillary’s emails.
2. He leaked to Mueller’s office
3. He didn’t leak to Mueller’s office.
4. He has a fouler mouth than I.
5. He’s more fragile and needy than I.
6. His hair doesn’t look like Bugs Bunny’s lunch.
7. He cheated on his pregnant wife.
8. He didn’t cheat on his pregnant wife.
9. He smells funny.
10. He has better suits and ties than I do.
11. He lied on his security clearance questionnaire.
12. He didn’t lie on his security clearance questionnaire.
13. I just felt like it.

Wessays™ efforts to reach Scary-mooch for comment have failed so far.  Maybe he really did disappear.

Some say it was new-broom-Chief of Staff Kelly who actually pulled the trigger.  But we know better. No one so much as goes to the men’s room without a hall pass from The Supreme Leader.

But notice that when even a faint breeze of sanity floats through the Presidential Palace, we all stand and applaud and think “well, things’ll get better now.” Further evidence that we are losing our grip at the same rate at the Beloved Leader.

GRAPESHOT:

- Too bad that magic camera doesn’t have a front facing selfie lens.

TODAY’S QUOTE:

-“We work for the American people. We don’t work for the president.” -- US Sen. Tim Scott (R- SC) on why republicans are pulling away from Trump. Scott was appointed to replace Sen. Jim DeMint, then won election to serve the rest of DeMint’s unexpired term, then won a full term.  He is one of three African Americans currently serving in the Senate.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

All sponsored content on this page is parody.

© WJR 2017

1827 What John Kelly Will Find on His New Desk

When Marine General John Kelly sits down at his desk in the west wing of the White House this morning he’ll know what a clean slate looks like.

The drawers are empty.  The filing cabinets are empty.  The telephone has been disconnected.  The blotter is new and untouched. The computer hard drive has been reformatted and emptied of content. Everything is spotless, as befits the workspace of a retired general.

Kelly is the president’s new chief of staff.  He starts today.  

Oh, there is one thing left. It’s a memo from former chief of staff Reince Priebus.  It is not classified. It’s not even in an envelope.  Hence, Wessays™ was able to photograph it.

Here’s what it says:

To: Chief of Staff John Kelly

From: Former Chief of Staff Reince Priebus

Subject:  Welcome to the White House

Welcome to your new digs, John.  To clear the space and spruce up the office we have removed and shredded all previous paperwork, including but not limited to directives, correspondence with other officials, correspondence with members of the public, the cleaning schedule and the phone directory.  We had been informed that your American Express Blue Card would be upgraded to Platinum so we cut up our own and took the fragments directly to the building incinerator.

The men’s room is down the hall to your left.  The President’s voicemail is extension 5108.  Unfortunately, I don’t know the direct line to the Oval Office, but you can try calling the switchboard by dialing “0” and ask to be connected if you need to speak with him.  If he chooses to call you, “blocked number” will appear in your caller i.d. display.

I wish I had been able to give you the current list of non-persons.  But since I was most recently in the office Friday around lunchtime, it undoubtedly has changed several times and anything I could have left you would probably be outdated by the time you saw it.

There are some permanent members, however.  And some high potentials. Keep an eye out for Steve Bannon.  His star was beginning to fade in the final days of my own tenure here.  Secretary of State ReXXon has been floating trial stories about how he’s considering stepping down.  These are unconfirmed but still worth considering.  You may be asked to join a search committee for the Secretary and possibly other members of the Cabinet.  Keep your eye on “The Mooch.” He is not to be trusted.  Do not be taken in by his fake sincerity and personal charm and reserved, dignified persona.

I urge you to keep the President’s Twitter feed on your computer screen once the IT people have restored it to working order.  The President’s habit is to tweet things before issuing formal orders and making personnel changes.

And finally, I have taken the liberty of sending a package of banker’s boxes to your home.  It was the last thing I charged on my company card.  No one who works in this building should be without storage boxes at the ready in case there suddenly develops an urge to re-retire or the President decides you’re not up to the job.

I wish you the best of luck and Godspeed.

RRPriebus

And…

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

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© WJR 2017

1826 Tilt

If the “tilt” sign lit up the pinball machine would go dark. Oh, there were some machines where a skilled pinballer could coax and tease the ball to hit high scoring targets without tripping “tilt.” But most machines and most players had tight limits on how much cheating you could do before losing the game.

It’s an old fashioned way of saying “Game Over.”

For seven years, the US Senate has been playing pinball with your health care, first threatening to overturn Obamacare and then coming up with failed game plan after failed game plan to make that happen.

Tilt.

Much legislation in this country works on the pinball machine principle.  Someone pushes the plunger and the ball comes out of its hole, rolls up the exit ramp and onto the playing field.  It hits this post, then that one. And it works its way down to the flippers where a good player might send it back up the field hitting more targets and winning more points.

Or it drops into the drain.

Did the “Better Care” bill fail in the senate because everyone took one look and asked “who named this thing, anyway, George Orwell?”  No.

Did it fail because the senate came to its senses and said “wait, wait, we don’t really want to take away health insurance from more than 20 million Americans many of whom we haven’t yet been able to keep from voting?”  Of course not.

It failed because three republicans and 48 democrats voted against it. (Amazing, isn’t it, to see 48 democrats agree on anything these days?)

The credit -- and credit it is -- goes to Senator Susan Collins (R-Maine), Senator Barbara Murkowski (R-Alaska) and Senator John McCain (R-Arizona.) They are the three republicans who voted “no” and put this junk legislation into a coma if not into the ground.

Collins and Murkowski were pretty clear in recent days that they wouldn’t support their party’s scam. McCain weaseled around for awhile and finally joined the other two.

Let’s not nominate him for sainthood quite yet.  Although he passes as a moderate and a maverick, when it comes to a vote his party generally can count on his “aye.”

McCain was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor.  His triumphant and celebratory return to work was marked by two contradictory acts.

1. He voted “yes” on a motion to bring the profoundly flawed legislation up for debate.  And
2. He gave that little speech about how “we” have to relearn how to work with the Democrats instead of trying to “win alone.”

Those two events took place in quick succession. Anyone else see a contradiction there?

Okay, but when push came to shove, McCain joined Collins and Murkowski to shove majority leader McConnell (R-Kentucky) just as he was lifting the game machine to make the ball go his way.

Tilt.  Game over.

It was like Our Hero snatched Periled Pauline from the railroad track where she was tied seconds before the train would have rolled over her.

Or at least it seemed so.

But that’s not what happened.  A man under a death sentence with no appeals left, with no chance of a stay of execution,  realized he no longer was beholden to anyone and did the right thing.

Tilt.

SHRAPNEL:

--Poor Mexico can’t catch a break.  The advice to potential tourists always was “don’t drink the water.” Now the warning has been widened to alcoholic beverages that might be contaminated.  Isn’t alcohol a germ killer?

--It looks like more of those Takata weaponized air bags are being recalled.  Defense contractors and arms dealers are missing an important boat here. They could be buying up the things and selling them to the Pentagon.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

All sponsored content on this page is parody.

© WJR 2017

1825 A Congress of Cowards

1825 A Congress of Cowards

Let’s take the long view. With any luck, this will be the last for awhile in a series of posts about the malignancy in the White House and the little men and women in the national legislature.

Ultimately the Trump administration can’t last.  It can flail about before going under for the third time.  Or its interior rot can spread to the surface. Or lightning can strike and fell the tree that’s bark on the outside and pulp within. But one way or another, this guy is through.

There’s a good chance the president’s ties to the Russian banks which are said to be holding hands with at least one German bank will turn out to be real.  After all, with this man’s business record, no sane American banker would lend him subway fare let alone millions to plant his name on one of those garish, overpriced nouveau riche buildings.

He’ll fire this guy. Bring in that guy. Go to court about whether DIY pardons are legal.  Be shocked when the court says “sorry, you can’t do that.” Fire Mueller. Fire Sessions.  Fire everyone whose name you know.  It won’t matter.  Ultimately, any coverup will be uncovered and any crime exposed.

In the meantime, the Permanent Legislature lives in morbid fear of losing its day job… which is getting re-elected.  It bows and scrapes to the whims of self loathing humanoids who see America as their personal playground and have the pirate’s treasure to make it so.

It’s led by a brainless pseudo intellectual in one house and a crumpled old man in the other, someone smart enough to know he’s in way over his head but not smart enough to fix things -- which he has the power to do.

Someone will find out what’s going on with Trump and the Russians, maybe some up and coming Woodward and Bernstein we haven’t yet discovered.  Maybe some brave soul in one of those annuitized congressional districts … who can’t be unseated will wake up one morning, ask himself “what the hell are we doing?” and there you have the start of the revolt of the cowardly.

We’re pretty good in this country about getting back to normal.  To do that, we have to acknowledge and deal with climate change, Vladimir and his merry band of Brighton Beach gangsters, health care, voting rights and even genderfluid public bathrooms and the role of adult fairytales in the national discourse.

It’s going to be long and painful. But the good guys will either win, eventually, or this country exits stage right (wing.)  

TODAY’S QUOTE:

-“Let's return to regular order. We've been spinning our wheels on too many important issues because we keep trying to find a way to win without help from across the aisle." --Senator John McCain returning to the Senate floor “a little worse for wear” and with a diagnosed brain tumor.  This was after he voted to move the anti- Obamacare legislation forward.

GRAPESHOT:

-Is President Frootloops looking to fire Attorney General Beauregard so he can find a replacement willing to fire Mueller?

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

All sponsored content on this page is parody.

© WJR 2017

1824 Spicer We Hardly Knew Ya

Broadway Video.

Wait, wait. That’s not Sean Spicer, that’s Melissa McCarthy on Saturday Night Live.  Well, so much for that career.  And here we were told Trump was going to create jobs.  Maybe the former press secretary was formered because SNL got better ratings than The Apprentice.

So that pathetic little Washington insider has been replaced by Sarah Huckabee Sanders or “SS” as she’s known in military history circles.

The big question is can she fill Spicy’s shoes?  Can she lie and twist the truth and try to tell us black is white and white is black as well as Sean?  Maybe she’ll get extra help, tutoring, from Kellyanne who probably could have taught even the Liar-in-Chief a thing or two.

Spicer “objected” to his new boss, Anthony “The Mooch” Scaramucci who’s been named communications director.  No one knows what a communications director does. But people know what The Mooch is and does.

First, he’s another of those Long Islanders Trump seems to embrace… Mike Cohen the lawyer… Sean Hannity… Sean Spicer… Bill O’Reilly and others.

The Mooch was a veteran of Goldman Sachs, then went on to build independent capital management outfits.  But the career highlight we don’t hear about that much these days is his fundraising for Barack Obama in 2008.

Say what?

By 2012 he had come to his senses and was finance co chairman for the Romney campaign.

He also backed Trump’s primary election opponents last year.  First Scott Walker and then JEB Bush.

And here you thought the president surrounded himself with loyalists.

In fact, questioning personal loyalty may have been what got Spicy in trouble.  After all, former GOP chairman and present White House chief of staff Reince Priebus brought him in.  And Priebus was suspect all along because he’s from New Jersey and was a Washington political pro. (Note to self: gotta remember “Reince” has an “ei” not an “ie” and “Priebus” has an “ie,” not an “ei.” Confusing.)

Technically, Spicer resigned.  And technically, the president offered him the chance to keep his job. But you can bet that during that last meeting between the two in the oval office, security was down the hall in the press office, packing Spicer’s chewing gum and demo-dolls in boxes to ship home.

Don’t feel sorry for him. He has a great career ahead of him. The world of public relations needs someone like this guy. And if he has trouble landing here, maybe Uncle Vladimir can find him something to do.

TODAY’S QUOTE:

-“The President and a small group of people know exactly what he meant.” -- Sean Spicer explaining Trump’s “Covfefe” tweet.

GRAPESHOT:

-Also “resigned this past week: the Minneapolis police chief who didn’t cut her Colorado hiking vacation short and come home after one of her cops shot a 911 caller dead.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

All sponsored content and most pictures on this page are parody.

© WJR 2017