Moonshine

122 Moonshine

“They call it that good old mountain dew

And them’s that refuse it are few.

I’ll shut up my mug if you fill up my jug

With that good ole’ mountain dew.”

-American Folk Song

“I’ve been a moon shiner for many a year

And made (spent) all my money on whisky and beer.”

-Irish Folk song.

So, the middle easterners have picked up yet another western habit. Only this one isn’t the decadent menaces of, say, dancing or under dressed women in movies.

This is moonshining, the manufacture of illegal alcoholic beverages. Only no one officially drinks in the middle east, so what to do with all this good chemistry?

Ah HAH! Blow up some airplanes. Brilliant.

Molotov cocktails made from whisky and beer. There you go.

Probably they don’t serve alcoholic beverages on airplanes anymore. So you have to make and bring your own if you’re going to tie one on or if you’re going to stick a fuse in it, light it and send it rolling down the aisles.

(Hint to the Homeland Security Keystone Kops: you can make a fuse out of a sweat sock by pre-cutting the edge, then once on the plane, tear the material easily. No scissors, knives, etc.)

Matches? No problem. Take a tip from your drug mule brethren. Stick a pack of ‘em in a condom and put same… well, somewhere in your body. You figure it out. Be first on line for the bathroom once the plane is airborne.

Of course, the undercover Homeland Security operatives have secret stashes of spring water and (if near enough to your sock and your condom) can probably extinguish the fire before it gets to whatever you’re carrying to make the explosion.

The do-it-yourself fad has spread to the terrorist community. Or maybe it began there. Who knows.

Here’s a free idea to make a pile of money: Open some Bomb Depot stores in the middle east, the deep south and the mountain west.

Carry all the stuff under one roof. Everything from 30 percent hydrogen peroxide (none of that wimpy drug store stuff,) to tubing for your still, to nail polish remover (mixes with the peroxide. Boom!) Fertilizer (Tim McVey are you listening? Here’s where to go before your next caper.)

Instruction books, power tools, plumbing supplies.

And don’t forget to visit the counterterrorist counter for all the latest detection equipment and safety gear. You don’t want to go to heaven until you make that decision on your own, right?

In this country, we have “revenuers,” which is pronounced “revenooers.” Apparently they have something like that in Britain and Pakistan, too. And most likely they’ll stop about the same percentage of the moonshiners there that the revenuers do here, which is not many.

There’s some discussion of banning all liquids on all flights. Except baby formula. That bring anything to mind?

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR