Let's Hear it For Haskell

151a Let’s Hear it for Haskell

That’s Haskell Nussbaum, 37, former New York City Parking Violations Judge and author of a new book, “Beat That Ticket.”

In it, his former-honor gives us some tips on how not to pay a parking ticket earned in New York. Good plans. He says find a technicality. Don’t tell a sob story. Defend yourself in person, but leave the ticket itself at home.

Why? Because the scans of the tickets the city sends to court are so crummy half of them can’t be read. And that’s an immediate dismissal.

Nussbaum says the courts are under so much pressure to “clear cases” that an illegible ticket will get you off the hook in 20 seconds.

Very funny, your former honor. But why stop at mere parking tickets.

Other judges should write books, too.

In fact, publishing this book without a set of companion volumes is rank discrimination against perpetrators of everything from 7-11 stickups to mob hits… everything from perjury to heading Enron or WorldCom. Anything from poisoning your neighbor’s cat to starting a war.

So, let’s get on it. And start at the top.

Sandra Day O’Connor, now retired from the US Supreme Court should lead the way. Probably has the time. Probably could use the money. Certainly has the knowledge.

Can you see this title on Amazon.com or in your neighborhood Border’s or Barnes Ignoble? “Beat That Constitutional Violation – How to Pitch A Winning Case to the Supreme Court Of the United States.”

“Smile at Clarence Thomas,” a book like this can say. “Especially if you’re a woman.”

“Wear a Bush-2000 button on your lapel.”

The Rehnquist Court was the slowest moving (laziest?) in history, so they’re obviously not worried about clearing cases. But it shared with the New York Traffic Court one stately pillar of the law: rule on technicalities, not substance so they can’t say anything bad about you. For this, the Rehnquist Court and its immediate successor is famously famous.

How about some advice from a retired judge about getting out of a murder case. Lance Ito could do that one. “Bring in a TV Camera and play to it instead of the lawyers and jurors.” “It’s easier if you’re a football hero, but the rest of us have some muscle, too.” “Make sure your ‘dream team’ has too many players to fit at the defense table.”

Why restrict this concept to judges? How about retired prosecutors like, oh, say, Rudy Giuliani?

He could write a book on how to present case so an appeals judge will overturn it. Lots of experience.

In fact, all retirees can write books on how to beat the systems in which they worked.

“How to Spot a Short-weighting Butcher.”

“How to Fix a Barcode Scanner So The Register Shows You One Price But Charges You More.”

“How to Run a Racket,” by An Anonymous Retired Godfather.

“How to Attract Little Boys,” by a retired clergy-person.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

“Beat That Parking Ticket by Haskell Nussbaum, ISBN 0978682564.