Monday, November 20, 2006

Coin Connection

165 Coin Connection

Bird the Barber is staggering up the stairs at the 34th St stop on the F Train and he is listing to starboard. Bird the Barber runs that little combination shoe shine parlor and hair cutting palace that’s kind of wedged in between the newsstand and the massage parlor most of the way up to ground level, but not quite. Bird’s listing because he has a pocket full of one dollar coins, all of them in the right pocket of his doubleknits.

“You gotta get rid of those coins, Bird,” said Mrs. Bird before he left the house this morning. “Nah,” says Bird, I’m trying to be patriotic. I can’t support the war. I can’t support the tax cuts. But I still want to do my part to show support for America. I give ‘em as change to my customers, especially the lousy tippers.”

She says “I’m tired of sewing up the holes in your pockets. Would you please get some bills instead!”

They love Bird at the Washington Mutual Bank across the street. He goes in there with 10s and 20s and asks for Susan B. Anthonys and Sacagaweas. They love Bird because they do not have room for Susan B. Anthonys and Sacagaweas.

They soon will have more reason to love him.

The US Mint is about to issue not one, not two, not three, but FOUR new dollar coins to go with the flops they already have on their hands. Bird will be SO patriotic, then.

Washington, Adams, Jefferson and Madison. Four new people to ignore.

They keep pumping these things out like popcorn. At least people (and pigeons) eat that. The only way to get a one dollar coin is to get change from a municipally owned vending machine. Like when you buy a Metrocard or park in the Downtown Moote Pointe Garage.

Government conspiracy theorists love that one. The Government mints these coins and The Government forces you to use them. Well, not exactly forces. They force up in Canada, where they just simply stopped making one dollar bills and issued coins.

Suzie B and Princess S are alive and well. Beside their highly popular appearances in vending machines and among Bird’s bad tippers, they’re living in YOUR house. In YOUR dresser drawer or piggy bank.

One day, Bird went to Ghatti at the newsstand next to the barber shop and bought a “Post” which costs a quarter, and Ghatti refused to take the Suzie B, because he’d never seen one before and thought it was a forgery or a foreign coin.

It IS a foreign coin. Not from a foreign country, though.

“No Egyptian money, Bird. I don’t take this fake coin.”

“It’s not a fake, it’s a one dollar coin. See? It says ‘United States of America’ right on it.”

“You go back to barber shop, cut hair. I give to you ‘Post’ but I don’t take fake French money or they arrest me.”

Bird takes the free newspaper. He’s got plenty of bad tippers who need change.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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