Monday, February 26, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith & The Warren Comission

208 Anna Nicole Smith & The Warren Commission

Disclaimer: If you were a big fan of Anna Nicole Smith and are squeamish skip reading this. For the rest of you, who love to make tasteless and juvenile light of the plight of celebrities, please read on.

That’s the Jake Warren Commission. Jake runs the candy store at the train station and he’s decided to form a blue ribbon panel to investigate the death of Hollywood’s Anna Nicole Smith, which as of this writing remains a mystery.

There have, after all, been all those theories floating around, and Jake thinks it’s time they are put to rest.

These include:

SUICIDE: She just had enough of all the hassle, the marriage and the court fight that followed, the fights with her stepchildren, the death of her son and the paternity status of her daughter, the fatherhood of whom has been claimed by about two thirds of all males between the ages of 14 and 90.

THE UNDERWORLD: She was pretty palsy with some pretty shady types. Maybe she went to a shark for money to cover her expenses during the lawsuit over her late husband, and couldn’t keep up with the vig, so they bumped her off.

THE CUBANS: She died in South Florida, right? What more evidence do you need?

PENTHOUSE MAGAZINE: Playboy rival maybe got tired of all that free publicity every time anyone mentioned Smith.

IMPLANTS: Some of her friends said her implants were painful, causing her to take large quantities of painkillers which ultimately did her in.

FORTUNE TELLER PROPHESY: a “seer” once told Smith she wouldn’t live past 40. Since she was 39 at the time of her death, maybe the fortune teller did it.

THE CIA, THE NSA, THE DIA, THE FBI: gutted by the Homeland security bureaucracy. No way they have the resources to do this.

It’s hard to imagine that a single pill slipped into her medicine bottle was the work of a lone individual. Ballistic tests on Vicodin, Oxycontin, Prozac, Zoloft, Valium and Trim Spa show that no single dose can kill.

Regular firers of all these were closely questioned by experts and each swore that one pill or even half a bottle won’t do it.

The preliminary report of the Warren Commission shows that this was an accidental death due to an undetermined combination of factors and apparently the work of a lone medicine taker, that there was no connection to any mobsters, Cubans, magazine publishers, implant makers fortune tellers or any intelligence or law enforcement agency.

Unfortunately, there’s no record of the events immediately before her collapse in that hotel room. There were no security cams in her room (at least none that anyone will admit to,)

So, one of the lingering questions remains: Abe Zapruder, where were you when we needed you?

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

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