Wednesday, December 22, 2010

800 WestraDamus 2010

800 WestraDamus, 2010

12/22/10

This is the 22nd anniversary of the WestraDamus predictions, presented each December or January for the year gone by and generally wrong. 'Damus started as a parody of the forward looking Astrological year-enders appearing in the supermarket tabloids, almost always wrong and never acknowledged as such. But the Non-prophet has grown into an American institution, like the Smithsonian, the National Institutes of Health, NOAA Weather and the Tea Party movement. And so, we continue...

Probably the single most important event of 2010 will be President McCain finally achieving single payer universal health care coverage. Congress will pass it nearly unanimously. This will be a monumental task because of foot dragging opposition by Democrats in both the House and Senate, and the threat of Senator Al Franken to filibuster.

Peace, at last, will come to the Middle East, Afghanistan and Iraq, and American troops -- all of them -- will come home. In Iran, Ayatollah O'Grady, the first Irish chief of the Islamic Republic will declare an end to its nuclear program and will make exceptions to the no-alcohol law to allow use of Guinness, Harp Lager, Jameson's and Bushmill's, but only on weekends. And North Korea will stop its decades-long game of "Chicken" with the south and call for unification talks.

But while peace will reign in those regions, some wars will continue. The fighting between Luxembourg and New Zealand that has raged since 1980 will calm some early in the year, but efforts to reach a truce will fail.

Now, the month by month year in non-prophecy:

JANUARY:

(Haiti): Look for a big earthquake, but it will miss the major population centers and the people will continue their new-found luxurious lifestyle.

(Boston): Martha Coakley will win election to the U.S. Senate, succeeding the late Edward M. Kennedy and insuring a continued Democratic majority.

(London): Kraft Foods and Hershey's will stage an arm wrestling match to see who gets to steal Cadbury. Hulk Hogan agrees to represent Kraft. Twiggy agrees to represent Hershey at the event.

FEBRUARY:

(Washington): President McCain declines to present a budget for the upcoming fiscal year. Democrats in the Senate reject the non-proposal out of hand, saying it will increase taxes and burden the top 1% of income earners.

(Austin): A guy in a toy plane will crash into the IRS building and die, but the IRS will neither forgive his tax debt nor stop its Austin operations.

MARCH:

(Baghdad): Iraq will cancel its scheduled election because no candidate wants any of the available jobs while the black market in American weapons thrives.
APRIL:
(New Orleans): An oil rig will explode, kill eleven workers and wash the region in unstoppable oil. Nah. That's too outlandish to predict or even contemplate.

MAY:

(Washington): The McCain administration will dispatch more than 1,000 National Guard troops to guard the border against the incoming illegals. Unfortunately, the alert folks at Guard headquarters will move the men and women to the Canadian border by mistake, and the troops will disappear.

JUNE:

(Beijing): China will detach the value of its currency from the US dollar and instead peg it to the NT dollar of Taiwan, which'll kill two birds with one stone. (1) The NT is more stable than the USD, and (2) It's another foot in Taipei's door.

(Chicago): The beleaguered Black Hawks will win the Stanley Cup for the first time in 49 years. Opponent Philadelphia will fail to show for the first two games and will claim to have forgotten their skates for the rest.

JULY:

(Washington): The Justice Department will file suit against Arizona's draconian anti-Mexican law. However the National Guard troops who went north instead of south in May will remain missing.

(New York): Rep. Charles Rangel will resign from congress rather than face the Kongressional Kangaroo Kourt over his ethics charges.

AUGUST:

(Kabul): Afghanistan's economy will surpass Japan's to become the second largest on earth. This is because the 2010 poppy crop will exceed all expectations, and because the European Union will legalize heroin, causing an enormous population explosion on the continent and a corresponding "addict drain" on the rest of the world.

(Chicago): Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will be found not guilty of all corruption charges and return to the political arena to fight yet another day.

SEPTEMBER:

(Washington): Vice President Palin will confirm her opposition to continuing tax cuts for the rich, but her hands will be behind her back and no one will see that her fingers are crossed.

OCTOBER:

Nothing will happen.

NOVEMBER:

(Washington): The Democrats will retain their majorities in the midterm elections, with an overwhelming pro-dem vote for both the House and Senate.

(Washington): The House will exonerate resigned former rep. Charles Rangel ( D-NY) after rejecting ugly charges that he failed to pay income tax and took advantage of a west side Manhattan Cadillac dealer who lent him an Escalade.

(Seoul): South Korea will welcome North Korea into unification talks but hooligan soldiers in the south will provoke an attack from the north.

(Rockville Centre, NY): Jonathan Sumner, MD announces that if the x-ray finds a spot on your lung, you're dead meat, and advises smokers to ignore signs that you are afflicted and instead devote your energy to writing your will.

(Los Angeles): "LegalZoom" founder Robert Shapiro of "OJ Dream Team" fame will concur with Dr. Sumner and offer discounts to smokers.

(Winston-Salem NC): R.J. Reynolds Tobacco says Dr. Sumner and Mr. Shapiro have their facts wrong.

DECEMBER:

(Washington): Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) agrees with President McCain that tax cuts are good for everyone. Finally someone caves to McCain's increasingly unpopular will, just not on the right issues.

(Washington): Congress will refuse to overturn "don't ask, don't tell," proving once again that members consider themselves biblical interpreters and messengers and that they believe every gay is a potential sexual predator.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
--George W. Bush will write a memoir declaring that he was wrong about Iraq, tax cuts, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," and about stopping his drinking, and will pose in ads for Johnnie Walker.

--Britney Spears will join the nuns of the "Nursing Sisters of the Sick Poor."

--Wesley Snipes will escape from Pennsylvania's Club Fed prison and never be heard from again.

--Bank of America will forgive all of its credit card debt and offer to sell itself to the Oakwood State Bank of Texas for one dollar.

--Sons of Italy of Astoria NY will withdraw its endorsement of James Caan, (nee Cahn) as "Italian Man of the Year" on discovering that he is of German Jewish extraction.

--Al Franken will blow his nose and thereafter, no one will recognize his sound.

--Ross Perot, Larry King and Ralph Nader will endorse Bloomberg for President, thus blowing Mike's chances.

--The iPhone will admit it has no value as a telephone and really was manufactured only to keep you buying apps.

--Rush Limbaugh will disclose that he really is a liberal and is counting on backlash to accomplish his real goal, a socialist America.

--Don Imus will retire, but no one will know of it because Fox Business News and ABC Radio will continue with reruns.

TOP QUOTES OF THE YEAR:

--"It's a good thing I lost. By now, I'd probably be knee deep in the big muddy." -- Barack Obama

--"If I keep playing a gimp on TV, I'm going to turn into a real one." -- Actor Hugh Laurie of "House."*

--"The building needs some work." -- Real estate broker trying to sell the Staten Island house used in "The Godfather" for $3 million.**

--"This stuff is pure crap and we're getting most of them returned." -- Wal-Mart customer service clerk on holiday tree lights.**

Quite a year here, folks. We don't need another one just like it.

I'm WestraDamus, the Non-prophet. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®
©WJR 2011

*Paraphrase. **Actual quote.

This rant will be available throughout 2011 at westradamus.com





















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