Monday, March 07, 2011

831 A Spike in the Board

831 A Spike in the Board

We are rolling a lightly loaded shopping cart toward the register at a famed retailer whose name sounds similar to Birdbath and Bayonce. A cheery clerk stops and asks “Did you find everything all right?” Standard question. Usually used at checkout. But it’s a slow day.

When asked this question one is tempted to answer “sure, thanks” and forget it. And that’s what the questioners expect to hear and even think they hear regardless of your answer.

Not this time.

“Thanks for asking. No, there were several items we’d like but didn’t see.” She smiles shakes her head “yes” and started to walk on, then realized what she had really heard.

“What is it you couldn’t find?”

“Well, there were several items. The most important is a carving board with little spikes sticking up out of it.”

“A what?”

“A carving board with spikes.”

“Why would you want something like that?”

“Because it prevents what you’re cutting from sliding around while you try to cut it.”

“Oh, what a great idea! You should patent that.”

“Um... Grandma had one of those 100 years ago.”

She looks quizzically and then takes out one of those two-way radios and announces to the entire store “Hey, Mike, do we have a carving board with spikes to keep the stuff from sliding around?”

Mike gets on mic and says “You can order that in the catalogue.”

Thing is dangerous if you’re not careful. Put your hand down on one of those boards, and it says there until you bleed out. Maybe they’ve outlawed them because they’re potential weapons? As in “This is a holdup. Put all the money from the register into a bag. I have a spiked carving board and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Or maybe OSHA forced them off the market?

Or maybe too many AAA tow truck operators called out for a flat in the middle of a late night snowstorm had enough of saying “I see your problem, sir. You’re parked on a spiked carving board.”

You can get them from the shopping channels and on line. But there are two major flaws in those we’ve seen. (1) the spikes don’t pull out of the holes so you don’t have to use them when you don’t need them and (2) they’re frighteningly expensive even with free shipping.

What does the rest of America do on Thanksgiving?

Shrapnel:

--Miley Cyrus appeared as host of Saturday Night Live this past weekend. And what a shocker! Despite all the hype, Cyrus can actually sing.

--How to fight excessive drinking -- of others: You could do what this woman in Nyack, NY did, stick her arm out as you walk down the liquor aisle, smashing a couple of grand worth of bottles as she swept them off the shelves. Or maybe she was just signaling a left turn.

--Word to the wise: if you use an electronic or on line calendar, make sure you’re in the right year when you make an entry. Sounds like common sense, right? But it pays to double check.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© 2011 WJR

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