Wednesday, April 13, 2011

847 Do It Yourself News

847 Do It Yourself News

You don’t need the papers, the internet, radio or TV to know what’s going on, you already do, but may not realize it. So as a public service here’s your personal copy of...

The Wessays™ do it yourself guide to the news:

Just cross out what you don’t need.

-Democrat "A" proposes something. Republicans swarm in to drag their feet and probably block it.

-Budget cuts are coming to the (federal) (state) (municipal) government.

-Somewhere in America, a local school board is planning a "controversial" project that will raise taxes and probably is unnecessary or at least more elaborate than it needs to be.

- A rap artist will be arrested on (assault charges) (weapons charges) (attempted murder charges) (murder charges.)

-A starlet will go into, escape from or be released from rehab.

-A mass transit machine (bus, ferry boat, airplane) in (the Philippines,) (Malaysia,) (India,) will sink or crash or hit something killing X number of people and injuring Y others. Later, investigators will determine (the cockpit crew was playing cards instead of flying,) (the bus driver fell asleep at the wheel) (the ferry was way overcrowded.)

-Toys and children's jewelry imported from (China) (Indonesia) (Vietnam) (Thailand) will be found to have greater than acceptable levels of (lead) (mercury) (small component choking hazards,) and will be removed from the market by (Wal-Mart) (Target) (Toys R Us.)

A US citizen has been detained in (Libya,) (North Korea,) (China,) (Somalia.)

Experts say a “toxic climate” is being created by (Glenn Beck,) (Rush Limbaugh,) (Keith Olbermann,) (Fox News,) (The supermarket tabloids.)

In sports:

-Teams that seem never to lose will lose. Or win again.

-A baseball star will be accused of using or defend himself against charges of using (steroids) (human growth hormone) (spitballs.)

-Tiger Woods will (win) (finish in the top five) (not finish in the top five) on the PGA tour.

On Wall Street:

-The Dow will close x-points lower because of (the tsunami in Japan,) (the Libyan oil situation,) (the worsening financial situation in Portugal.)

-The Dow will close x-points higher because of (mass firings at a Fortune 500 company,) (a change at the top of a Fortune 500 company,) (increased retail sales,) (decreased wholesale inventories.)

-Authorities in (New York,) (Washington,) (Cleveland,) will uncover what they describe as a Ponzi scheme and arrested (fill in the blank,) accusing him of being a “Mini Madoff.”

And that's the news... yesterday, today and tomorrow.

See? You knew it all the time.

Shrapnel:

--Waterboard Watch: People have “confessed” to the Belarus subway bombing that killed a dozen and injured 200 others. Thus, Law & Order Minsk is probably a better TV show than Law & Order Gilgo Beach. (More on the latter to be posted 4/15/11.)

--You’ll be happy to note a positive earnings report. It’s from JP Morgan Chase bank. Now, if they could teach their contractor to how to keep customer info secret, we might stop thinking of them as “Bank of the Walking Dead.”

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011


No comments: