With 2013 upon us, we offer the 24th anniversary edition of the WestraDamus reverse predictions, those for the year 2012 presented each December or January for the year gone by and generally wrong. 'Damus started as a parody of the forward looking astrological year-enders appearing in the supermarket tabloids, almost always wrong and never acknowledged as such. But the Non-Prophet has grown into an American institution, like the Smithsonian, the Public Television begathon, global warming, the Kardashians and dropped cell phone calls. And so, we continue...
TOP OF THE 2012:
As President McCain moves into retirement and vice president Palin will be soundly defeated in the Republican primary, the nation will elect Newt Gingrich to lead the nation.
Suffering from Death Apnea, Larry Hagman will return to the set of “Dallas” to finish season two of the revival.
Attempts to exhume the body of former Palestinian terrorist Yasser Arafat will fail with the discovery that his mausoleum is empty and that the radioactivity in his toothbrush was caused by toxic emission blowbacks from missiles he fired from Gaza into Israel.
Overthrowing evil dictators, Egypt, Syria and Libya will plunge into freedom, economic stability, religious tolerance and peace.
Overthrowing evil bankers, Occupy Wall Street will plunge the United States into newfound prosperity, cheerfulness, tolerance and peace. (And don’t for a minute believe those anti semitic undertones are representative of the group’s membership. Not for a minute.)
The Dow Jones Industrial average will end the year at 5678.34.
Displaced Greek, Spanish and Portuguese workers angry with austerity measures will storm the EU headquarters in Brussels and make off with US$ 4 trillion in Euros only to find that the leaders of France and Italy had already made off with the other 4 trillion in the stash.
Britain’s successful campaign to eliminate the Euro will make both heists worthless.
A former Pennsylvania college football coach will be exonerated in a case charging he was a serial child molester, but not before a huge and wildly overrated university and its dependent subsidiaries are thrown into a state of money-losing self flagellation.
Now, Month By Month in Non-Prophecy:
Cruise ship from Italy will hit land and sinks, and the captain -- charged with manslaughter -- will be quoted as saying “I thought it was an iceberg.”
Unemployment falls to 17 percent to the cheers of corporate honchos across the country. Unions settle strikes against Wal-Mart, Koch Industries and the New York State Conservative Party.
Random House Dictionary will declare Feb Yoo Erry is an acceptable pronunciation of the name of the second month.
Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin will be assassinated by Muslim rebels from Chechnya who will be lauded by ecumenical advocates for their use of Israeli machineguns.
No Israeli-made weapons will be found in a deadly Egyptian soccer riot causing ecumenical advocates to withhold lauding.
Susan G. Komen For the Cure will announce acquisition of the agency Planned Parenthood in a $28-million cash and stock deal.
Putin will win the Russian presidency posthumously.
Confusion will reign as sports fans confuse Super Tuesday and March Madness, declaring Barack Obama as America’s top basketball team and backing the University of Kentucky as the Democratic candidate for President. (The actual candidate will be chosen at the convention. See below.)
Aliens from Mars will land in Wisconsin and quickly burrow underground to celebrate the success of their flight as above ground neighbors call police to complain of earthquake-like noises coming from below.
The IRS will send letters to 154,000 taxpayers reminding them they missed the tax filing deadline, March 15th and threatening fines and interest penalties. (3/15 hasn’t been tax day since 1954.)
Eleven female secret service agents will be fired after the McCain administration learns they moonlighted as hookers in Colombia where prostitution is legal.
Once again, the IRS will outfox itself by demanding that all returns be postmarked by 11:59 PM on April 15th, which will be a Sunday.
Paint manufacturers will celebrate Earth Day by dumping 400,000,000 million gallons of green paint into the Mississippi River and then learn it’s not biodegradable.
Shoney’s Restaurant chain will offer Green Plate Special with appropriately green catfish and roast green wood duck from the Mississippi River.
Mitt Romney will concede defeat in his bid for the Republican Presidential nomination, saying he hasn’t yet made up his mind whether to endorse the presumed nominee, Newt Gingrich.
Seeking to solidify support, Gingrich donors will offer subsidies to ExxonMobil to reduce the price of gasoline to $1.99.9 per gallon in states still not firmly in his camp.
Census Bureau will announce “minority” births now outpace white as increasing numbers of women decline to have sex with white men and adopt the slogan “would you bang one of THEM?”
Muhammad Morsi will be declared president of Egypt, replacing Hosni Mubarak, who will have fled to Uganda, granted asylum and awarded the Idi Amin Medal of Freedom. At his swearing-in, Morsi will accidentally drop a small book he was carrying, the autobiography of Nicolai Lenin. Following the ceremony, Morsi will be quoted as saying “that’s not mine. I am just holding it for a friend who had to use the lavatory.”
Wisconsin voters will recall governor Scott Walker who will accept a job working for Grover Norquist.
The Supreme Court will approve Arizona’s draconian anti-immigration law forcing Associate Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alioto to self-deport, even though they were born here.
India will be hit by a massive power failure and no American will be able to reach customer service phone centers for three weeks. American-owned Bhopal Power will establish a temporary center in Toronto and none of its Indian customers will be able to understand a word the Canadians say.
Scientists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland will verify the existence of the Higgs Boson, the so-called “God Particle” and tell us it looks much like a really, really small elephant and is pink.
Retired NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal will come out of the closet and declare that he isn’t really Irish and he really stands 4’8” but wears a “tall suit.”
The Republican National Convention will be held in Opelika, Alabama and, as forecast, Newt Gingrich will be nominated, pick Sick Rantorum as his running mate, magically cause the price of gasoline to fall to two dollars a gallon, a bubble in casino stocks and the release of the American hostages in Iran.
The unemployment rate will fall to 16.8% as presidential nominee Gingrich declares the precipitous .2% drop is a result of “job creators’” enthusiasm for his candidacy.
The Democratic Party will hold the world’s first internet-only convention, only to find that the go-to-meeting-dot-com servers cannot handle the traffic and will crash and no nominee will be chosen.
Chicago will dodge the bullet and avert a strike of public school teachers.
Occupy Wall Street will mark its first anniversary and a year of peace and happiness by announcing it is disbanding. The general reaction: “Oh, really? Are they still around?”
West Nile Virus will be declared a terrorist organization and local death squads in Texas will kill all known germs. Before this, the virus will have told Al Jazeera it never meant to hit Texas, but made a wrong turn and confused the Rio Grande with the Nile.
The sponsors in collusion with the television networks will cancel the Presidential debates, citing surveys that show no one cares and the commercial time is too valuable to squander on a couple of posturing ne’er do wells. NPR and Fox News will object and jointly hold their own series of debates and the ratings will be better than expected, as the programs top TruTV’s “World’s Dumbest Criminals,” and TV Land’s Andy Griffith Show Marathon.
The New York Mets will win the world series, sweeping San Francisco in four games. (October? What ever happened to “the boys of summer?”)
Hugo Chavez will be defeated in his re-election bid by former United States Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI.) who has promised to privatize everything and declare an “official religion.” The Vatican agrees to build a Presidential Palace for el Presidente Ryan. A competing bid will come from Liberty University.
President Morsi of Egypt will declare the court system invalid and personally assume the role of judge along with his presidential duties. Once again, he will deny that the Lenin book found at his feet on inauguration day was his and remind us it was something he was holding for a friend who needed to visit the bathroom.
Ordered to pay $4 Billion in restitution for damage in the Gulf of Mexico drilling platform explosion and the resulting massive damage to land and water, British Petroleum raises gasoline prices and then checks into a hospital suffering from morning sickness.
Presidential candidate Gingrich rips BP a new one about the prices, but uses words no one understands to prove that a few years teaching at a junior college in Georgia makes him a real professor.
Princess Kate of Britain will be hospitalized for treatment of an undisclosed ailment possibly related to pregnancy. Blue Cross of Greater London will reject her expenses saying “we don’t pay for ‘undisclosed’ ailments, but if its morning sickness, she should have applied for pre-authorization, which would have been rejected because women have been dealing with that since the dawn of history and don’t need ‘hospitalisation,’” as they spell and say it.
The state legislature will defeat proposed legislation to make Michigan a “right to work” state and the governor in after-vote comments will say “Right to work? Here? This is MICHIGAN, fer cryin’ out loud.”
The National Rifle Association will announce it is disbanding and give back all the contributions it has received from the makers of guns and ammunition.
The Mayans will be proved wrong as there will still be a world on 12/21/12... unless you consider the Michigan item above or the child abuse allegations against the knuckle dragging college football coach in Pennsylvania the end of the world as we know it. NASA scientists will conclude the destruction didn’t take place because a coalition of transportation companies and agencies, including U.S. Airways, Amtrak, New York’s MTA, CalTran, PennDot and Transit of New Jersey were responsible for scheduling and running the asteroid.
I’m WestraDamus. My postdictions are my own but you’re welcome to
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