1132 Move over E! TV, Here Comes G! TV
E! TV -- Entertainment Television --pumps out 24 hours of celebrity pseudo news and pulp every day. Entertainment news, Joan Rivers’ truly funny Fashion Police, Sex and the City Reruns. It’s a continuous sewer flow of Kardashian, Spears, Lohan, Seacrest, Kate Middleton’s baby bump, Carry, J. Lo, and blah-blah about people most of us have never heard of. (You lose 2 points for every one of the above names you recognize, three if you follow any on Facebook.)
But, gunsels, don’t chide these shallow, name-obsessed “reporters” and their programs. We True Americans soon will have our own TV Channel: G! TV. Gun Television.
Things will start gradually. Many of our first programs will be reruns. Gunsmoke, The Untouchables, some old John Wayne movies, the James Bond films.
But we’ll have plenty of original programming, too, starting with our nightly feature “Gun News.” With “Gun News,” you’ll hear all about the latest in modern hardware. You’ll see all the news stories where good guys stop bad guys in schools, homes, shopping malls and banks, shooting ranges and bunkers. Plus all the latest news about famous gun owners from Barack Obama and Wayne LaPierre on down to Elmer Fudd and the uptown drug entrepreneur with a stash of Saturday Night Specials and Steyer TMPs in back of the canned food in the kitchen cabinet.
“Famous Gunsel of the Day” will feature people like Donald Trump, Robert Di Niro, Howard Stern, Miranda Lambert. The whole red blooded Red Carpet crowd. And we’ll keep you up to date with all the news and views of our enemies, like Sean Connery, Shania Twain, and the worst of them, Sylvester “Rambo” Stallone who once said America should go door to door and confiscate guns.
In the late night hours, we’ll turn into a kind of combination of E! and the shopping channels, offering the best values in handguns and rifles, complete with easy-pay and free shipping, a toll-free phone and a magnificent website.
And we expect to turn a huge profit. Already, sponsors are lining up to buy air time. All the big arms makers in this country and in Europe are on board. We’re still trying to figure out whether we’ll allow bottom feeders, like the makers of trigger locks and gun safes to advertise. Probably at the start it’ll be “yes,” and we’ll test viewer reaction.
We’ll also have hate minutes throughout the day. We borrowed the idea from George Orwell. We’ll put up pictures of guys like Jim Brady and Gabby Giffords for between three and five minutes. And our off-camera cheerleaders will lead the venom fest.
We’re even debating a farm and cooking show: Grow your own weed, brew your own corn liquor, the latest meth cooking techniques... that sort of thing. And a medical show. Wound dressing, filling Oxycontin prescriptions, and sticking up clinics. (What better use for that AK 47?)
It’s going to be a lot of fun, plus informative. A place where we defenders of our Second Amendment Rights, our homes and our persons can gather and call our own.
For now, we’re having a little trouble securing clearances from the cable and satellite companies. It’s hard to imagine why. They seem to think there’s no market for this kind of thing. They are wrong, wrong, wrong.
Check your local listings for a channel near you.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2013
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