1153 How to Avoid a Seder
It’s a little too late this year. But we have some tips you can clip and file for next year... a little advance notice, even though the more observant among us have several more opportunities to miss any but the first Seder.
The best way is to sleep through the entire day. Get sick, go to bed. If you can’t get sick, fake it.
If you can’t do that, make sure you live in an area where there are few Jews. If you’re invited to someone’s Seder, tell them “Oh, I’d love to go, but I already promised cousin Velvel I’d go to his house.”
Live in an area where the main grocery store doesn’t carry matzo or any of the other stuff... go to McDonald's. Have the Big Mac without bread. Pray first.
Sneak the bread out the door with you and eat it in the car, after dark. No one will notice. Unless they’re Jewish and also having McDonald Seders.
Oh... there’s also the “I forgot” excuse. This one works better if it’s true. “You know, my memory isn’t what it used to be.” But it’s on the calendar, so you have to be prepared to say you don’t often read the calendar or -- even better -- “I forgot to flip from February to March and you never know when these holidays are going to pop up.”
Now, about the guilt part. We love to do guilt. Do you suppose God has nothing more to do on Passover but kick butt and take names? Forget about it. He probably won’t notice. And even if he does, you’ll probably never find out about it.
If you absolutely must go to one of these things, go early. Sneak into the dining room or kitchen. Take every copy of the Haggadah and carefully cut out every other page. No one will know the difference.
--For anyone interested, the elephant in the COPD medicine ad is real but not really sitting on the chests of the actors. Her name is Tai, she’s “over 40” (no woman admits her age,) is eight feet eight inches tall and weighs something around nine thousand pounds. She also starred in the movie “Water for Elephants,” and several other movies.
--The digital age has brought changes to movies, always a casual description. The upper crust used to call them “motion pictures,” which is true but pretentious, or called them “films.” But many of them don’t use film anymore, so how do you ask someone to go on a date...“You want to go see a digital?”
--Some people have too damn much money. Steven Cohen is one of them. He’s agreed to pay $616 million to settle an insider trading case. And then, reports the ever-reliable New York Post, he agreed to buy Picasso’s Le Reve for $155 million, which may be the highest price an American collector has paid for a painting.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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© WJR 2013