Friday, August 16, 2013

1214 All New

1214  All New


Is there really such a thing?  You hear it on TV every day.  “‘Unresolved Conflicts’ an all new episode tonight at 9, eight central on NBC.”


Oh, great.  I thought we’d have to wade through a partly new episode.  You know, one where Harold Honk, esq has an argument with a judge, interspersed with unrelated flashbacks and snippets from three seasons ago.


It’s possible for a magazine show like 60 minutes or 20/20 or Dateline to have a partly new episode.  They might have, say, three stories of which two are new and one is a rerun.


They rarely do that, but it IS possible.


Notice, newscasts never say they’re all new.  In many cases, they aren’t even though they’re supposed to be.  A lot of news is rehash.  Sometimes it isn’t even “re’d.” It’s warmed over.  Or just taken out of the refrigerator and served cold.


But it’s not just television.


Example:  the iMac describes its latest model as “all new.”  It isn’t. It’s still a screen in a box.  Perhaps they’ve amended their operating system so it can do some new tricks that you never knew until now that you needed or so that it rejects older software you have and want to install.  But all new, it isn’t.


A semi-viral video shows Kate Upton washing the “all new ‘Mercedes Benz CLA.”  Perhaps Kate Upton is all new to you.  But a car with four wheels and an engine most certainly isn’t.
Actually, Ms. Upton, who is certainly not the worst person to ogle, doesn’t wash the car, all-new or otherwise. She supervises it like a foreman supervising a one man crew installing a traffic light in the desert.


A bunch of guys in all new sports-like jerseys do the actual dirty work.  (Actual clean work?)


It’s a nice looking if dull little car.  It’s a nice looking if dull sultry siren.


“All New” is the new “New and improved.”


Every soap, detergent, flour, frozen vegetable, motor oil, adhesive bandage, headache remedy, cat or dog food, MP3 player, cracker, bread loaf, ballpoint or felt tip pen, flea powder, potato chip, salad oil, disposable diaper, clear wrap, aluminum foil, paper plate, nail polish, nail polish remover, sanitary napkin, paint, window cleaner and light bulb has worn that label at one time or another.


And rarely do you notice any change.  You’ve been using Oxydol since it sponsored “Aunt Jenny’s True Life Stories” in 1946.  You’ve read at least every two years that it’s new and improved.  Is your laundry any cleaner?  Probably not.


The ultimate in “all new”-ness is an all new plant.  These are generally hybrids of some kind or genetically modified.  Today’s latest rose or carnation isn’t anything close to all new.


We could call this Wessay all new because it covers a subject never before seen in these pages.  But in fact, while the subject is to this web address, the structure is not.  The format is not.  And the device of using a sentence that runs more than 60 words to provide a list of things (paragraph starts “Every soap, detergent, flour...”) made regular appearance here and in here’s predecessor at least 10 years ago, if not longer.



I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

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