1237 The Long Island Ice Tea Party
This started kind of a “use up the bottles with very little in them” arrangement at Long Island’s late and somewhat lamented Oak Beach Inn. The Bartender, Rosebud, thus created the most important product from the region since the clam. The basic ingredients are vodka, gin, rum and tequila with a touch of fruit juice or cola. But, really, anything with drinkable alcohol will do.
Now, we connoisseurs of this fine upstanding and now-venerable drink have formed a political organization, kind of riding on Michele Bachmann’s coattails.
But fear not. You needn’t be a Long Islander to join, nor even a drinker of alcoholic beverages. And in fact the only thing you have to do is say you're a member. We’re kind of like the actual current Tea Party except we don’t have any big right wing money behind us. In fact, we have no money at all.
To be an active member, you have to drink. And we sure could use some Koch or Scaife money because LI Iced Tea ain’t cheap. But passive members are welcome.
We support some important propositions, especially after a couple or three king size glasses. We want to drop the drinking age to 11. We want to abolish the Department of Education. We want to abolish labor unions except for the Teamsters whose valiant drivers bring the Vodka and other stuff to our bars.
We want to raise the DUI/DWI blood alcohol level from the present 0.08% to 25%.
We oppose spending more than we take in, especially when we’re pie-faced drunk, which happens quickly and subtly and often with our “signature” beverage.
But we love the pentagon and the CIA, the NSA and the Sheriff of Mayberry. In fact, we want congress to increase spending for law enforcement to the point that Sheriff Andy can bypass Sarah the Mayberry Switchboard operator and listen in to everyone’s phone calls --except ours-- directly.
We are in many ways just like the non Long Island Iced tea party, except we have more fun more often.
We are seeking joiners and we are seeking the support of patriotic American members of Congress to back our demands and squeeze that Socialist African Muslim President of ours into a corner.
But unlike the butt-heads now in Congress, we plan to seduce rather than declare war. How? Well, once your congressman tastes our drink, he’s ours!
--Windows 8 requires a password. It doesn’t give you a “forgot your password?” link on which to click. So you can lock yourself out and the only hope of getting back in is committing a crime and letting warrant-armed forensic cops open it for you.
--This could affect the 911 emergency system. “What is your emergency, sir… being locked out of your computer is not an emergency.” Enough calls like that and response to real emergencies could be delayed or even lost.
--It also could affect your social life. Locked out of your computer you might be forced into having a face to face conversation with an actual human being. And that’s SOOOO old fashioned.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2013