There’s so much calcium in the ground around here, the FDA is thinking of declaring the tap water a nutritional supplement. The upside: no one here gets osteoporosis. Few here have sub gum bone loss.
The downside? There’s so much of the stuff in the pipes that eventually, the water pressure goes low enough to wonder if you have a leak somewhere. You don’t. It’s just that nutritional supplement taking up room.
Oh. And putting spots on your dishes, pots, pans and silverware.
If you have a vaporizer, you’ll be forever rubbing that coating of white powder off your furniture, your appliances, your bed cover, and possibly your dog or cat.
No dog or cat around here gets osteoporosis. And no bedroom furniture does, either.
You break an arm or a leg, the hospital has you soak the limb in tapwater. Ten minutes later, the break has healed. They charge you $500 a gallon plus fees for turning on the faucet. Plus fees for turning off the faucet. Plus bucket sterilization fees.
The revenue from $50 aspirin tablets has shrunk considerably since they instituted a voluntary BYOB policy, so they have to make up for it somehow.
BYOB not only means “bring your own bottle” of aspirin, it’s also “Bring Your Own Band-Aids.”
The price of a Band-Aid at Wal-nut’s is three cents. The same band aid at the hospital was $11.39. They’re always looking out for your budget, bless their hearts.
It will come to the point that competing bottled water companies will be filling their tank trucks from our fire hydrants and selling eight ounce bottles for two bucks each ($3.50 at athletic events, $6.00 at outdoor flea markets and art festivals.)
Can you see that picture of a fire hydrant on the bottle? And a yellow band that says “packed with calcium”?
The drug stores better worry. There’s going to be a coating of dust on their supplements. Unless they wash the bottles. Then, there’ll be a coating of … calcium residue.
Oh. The tap water tastes terrible. And many people -- especially women worried about bone loss -- drink spring water and buy and take calcium supplements.
--Say it isn’t so, Ronald. McDonalds is dropping Heinz ketchup in favor of other brands at its 34-thousand burger joints worldwide. It’s because the new head of Heinz is the former head of #1 competitor, Burger King.
--The Dolans of Cablevision and Newsday; the Knicks and Rangers fame just dropped a billion dollars to fix up Madison Square Garden, which now looks like … Madison Square Garden only with more bathrooms and higher prices. Now they have to figure out what to do next about moving out in ten years when their operations permit expires. Probably they’ll get another extension because by then, the plans to expand Penn Station… in the basement(s) will have been revised for the hundredth time even though at the moment, Mayor-Presumptive DeBlasio wants them out of there.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to firstname.lastname@example.org
© WJR 2013