Wednesday, November 05, 2014

1405 Election Premortem

The challenge today is simple:  write a credible post on the 2014 midterm elections hours before the polls close.


Well… we were able to do that with space shuttle launches… guarding against delays by speaking weasel phrases while the video showed the rocket either launching or in a “hold,” kind of like a time out in football.


We were able to do it with funerals simply by not starting with “Funeral services are underway for ....” or “Funeral services were held today for…”

So why not the election, if we don’t call the winners.


Chances are we won’t have full results right away what with the closeness of some races and the hanging chad crowd.  But be advised all of the Supreme Court justices are on standby in case there’s an emergency in which a Democrat (other than Andrew Cuomo) wins anything but an uncontested seat for dogcatcher in East Acne, Idaho.


Serving in Congress, of course, has a term limit, starting with the first day in office and ending in death.  No member of congress’ term has expired, at least not yet.


On to governors and senators.


The big questions this year include what is the IQ of the average voter in Kansas where Gov. Sam “I never met a tax I couldn’t cut” Brownback has put the state to sleep on the steps of bankruptcy court.  Would you buy a junk bond from this guy? Yeah, probably.


Another big question is about the IQ of the average voter in Kentucky, where a win for Mitch McConnell  elevates him to Senate Majority leader, sparking a tea party rebellion that could enrich the already debilitating years-long paralysis.  The solution, of course, would be for them to ditch Mitch.


New York’s Cuomo shot himself in the foot by creating an ethics investigating body and then killing it when it got a search warrant for his closet.  Fortunately for Cuomo, and maybe even for the state, his opponent is a zero.


Now, let’s move to the below zero types:  


--As a teen, Pennsylvania’s governor Tom Corbett was hit squarely on the head by a falling nine pound dead groundhog and suffered irreparable brain damage.  Ordinarily this would make one disqualified for any work outside a sheltered workshop.  Fortunately, the state capital is a sheltered workshop.  But due to funding cuts, Tom’s wing has closed.  (The groundhog was bronzed and lives on a pedestal in the Great Rotunda of the capitol building in Harrisburg.


--Senator Mark Udall, campaigning heavily on women’s issues, apparently is learning the hard way that while women are interested in such things as reproductive rights, breast cancer, education and the welfare of children, they are, astonishingly, also interested in such arcane and traditionally masculine issues as foreign policy, budget, oil pipelines, global warming and legal pot.


--New Hampshire has decided between a failed carpetbagger from Massachusetts and an aging but native born incumbent woman Senator whose main offense is voting with President Obama.  When you think about carpetbaggers, you think Connecticut’s Jim Buckley in New York, Massachusetts’ Robert Kennedy in New York and Arkansas and Illinois’ Hillary Rodham Inevitable in New York.  Two out of three weren’t terrible.


I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2014

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