Wednesday, April 22, 2015

1476 Your Visit to Slovakia

Hope you enjoyed your trip.

While You Were Out:

-One of your Facebook friends enjoyed all those pictures you posted from Bratislava and then burglarized your house.

-The cat carved a road map on your $3,000 leather couch.

-Your mother left two dozen phone messages because she doesn’t use Facebook and didn’t know you were away, then called the cops to say you were missing.

-The police made a “wellness visit” to your house and discovered the burglary.

-They found drawers open and the contents scattered.

-They found a large rectangular outline over your fireplace where apparently a painting once hung.  Your mother said it was an authenticated William Larkin from 1610, while your insurance company says it was a forgery from 1938.

-Your Ming vase somehow got smashed and the fragments were on the living room floor.

-The burglars apparently took your computer but left the monitor and keyboard.

-There is evidence they tried to remove your piano but couldn’t get it out the side door.

-Someone used your chef’s knife to put a 12” slit in your Sleep Number Bed and most of the air has escaped… but you liked a hard number anyway, right?

-They also failed to find the cat which probably is hiding in the attic.

-Police discovered your car in the long term parking lot at JFK and broke open the trunk expecting to find your body.  Then they ticketed your car for an expired inspection.

-Your body wasn’t there so they assumed you were kidnapped and posted a national BOLO alert.

-Reports of sightings came pouring in from five states three of which you’ve never visited.

-Your neighbors say they last saw you two weeks ago and you looked fine.

-Except one who reported a strange smell coming from the back yard.

-CSU dug up the yard and found nothing suspicious.

-The owners of the house behind yours called animal control to remove the body of a dead skunk.

-Russia recalled all Tupolev aircraft for use in the war of Ukrainian Aggression, leaving you no immediate way to return to the US.

-You have realized there is a heating gas shortage in Slovakia and at the same time found that the Tourist’s Guide to Spoken Slovak does not have the phrase “Why did they turn the heat in my hotel off?” But you can show this to the desk clerk: Prečo má môj hotel otočil teplo off?

-I’m going to slip this note into a baggy and nail it to your front door, um, what’s left of it.

Shrapnel:

Pop corn pops. So does the weasel and a pimple. But “pop” has become the latest instance of financial and fashion word abuse.  Someone should pop the next guy who overuses it.

This is an “all new” Wessay, as are almost all of them. But what’s with “all new” on TV?  Are there somewhat new or partly new episodes of CSI Miami or Dateline?

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2015

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