Wednesday, October 28, 2015

1547 Bacon Baloney

1547 Bacon Baloney


The World Health Organization says bacon and other processed red meats cause cancer.  This is not new. But after WHO studied lots of other studies it concludes that it’s worse than thought.


We all know by that the mere act of being in the room with an unlit cigarette exposes us to fatal fumes.  If someone dares to light up, you’re dead meat.


Which brings us to dead meat.  They haven’t gotten to the point where they think walking past the beef and pork in the supermarket exposes you to those same death rays.


But what about all the smoke at barbecues?  Think of the Little Children!  The Suffering Elderly. The Innocents Next Door.  The poor yard squirrels and birds in the line of fire.


Be careful when you fire up the grill.  You never know where that cancer laden smoke is going to go.  But if you can smell it, (mmmm!) you’ve inhaled it.


Soon, someone will propose legislation barring unlicensed outdoor barbecues.  Many modern grills have covers.  So maybe you have nothing to worry about.  Except sometimes the smoke gets through the cracks where the lid meets the lip.


The police radio crackles “we have a 10-367 at 134 North Elm St.”  Oh my.  A 10-367. The police radio code for well done illegal cheeseburger.  Someone’s going to jail.


“It’s only vegetables and a chicken breast, officer. Please don’t arrest me!”


“A likely story, lady. I smell burgers. Not only am I going to arrest you, but then I’m going to take three weeks disability leave to make sure I haven’t contracted eye cancer.  Smoke gets in your eyes, you know.”


Technically, the various studies curated by WHO talk only about “processed meat.”  So maybe -- just maybe -- your freshly ground chuck or uncured bacon won’t kill you.


But you can bet your buns someone will come out with “facts” that “prove” you can die from just thinking about any of this.


The grill and frying pan makers will start selling face masks and safety goggles as accessories.  Already, Martha Stewart, Chanel, Joseph Abboud and Duluth Trading are working up new designs.


Now where is that WWII Ground Observer Corps gas mask that used to be in the basement?  Must have left it at the Cigar Lounge.


Shrapnel:


--First they find evidence of dampness on Mars. Now they discover a geyser on one of Saturn’s moons.  All of a sudden, the solar system has all kinds of water.  So not only do we have to get ready for an invasion of Martians, but now we have all those Saturnian immigrants practically at our borders.


--Desk duty for the white cop who flipped his lid and then flipped and dragged a black high school girl out of a classroom for being “disruptive.” The guy can cool his heels while the other cops of Columbia SC figure out how to twist this into something resembling a reasonable explanation.  But probably there isn’t one.


I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2015

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