1580 WestraDamus 2015
With 2016 upon us, we offer the 27th anniversary edition of the WestraDamus antidictions, those for the year 2015 presented each December or January for the year gone by and generally wrong.
'Damus started as a parody of the forward looking astrological year-enders appearing in the supermarket tabloids, almost always wrong but never acknowledged.
The Non-Prophet has grown into an American institution, like the Donald Rump, the Heritage Foundation, Ted Cruz, the Public Television begathon, global warming, Ronda Rousey, Reality TV and the war in Syria. So, we continue and for the first time on a serious note.
There is no way to parody, demean and degrade the attacks in Paris in November or in San Bernardino in December and we’re not going to try. Likewise, the situation in Syria, the rise of the so-called “Islamic State,” the newly minted refugee debate… Well, you just can’t make fun of those.
Oh. Wait. There is one thing: All those Ebola isolation tents we bought but didn’t really need? We’ll used them to house the onslaught of Syrian refugees and Honduran toddlers we’re expecting.
Now that I have you in a cheery mood, some of the other top stories that we know will happen last year.
January:
The staff of “Charlie Hebdo,” the French version of “Guns and Ammo” magazine, will fend off an attack by unarmed members of the Brady Campaign, killing six invaders and wounding 44 others.
Putin will withdraw occupying troops from Crimea saying it was all just a joke and issue an invitation for Ukrainian freedom fighters to join him for some boiled potatoes a la vodka at his office in the Kremlin.
A measles outbreak at a California amusement park will provoke calls to get vaccinated against Disneyland.
February:
The Federal communications commission will bar internet services from intentionally slowing low value traffic and promise it will prosecute offenders as vigorously as it has cell phone companies for adding hidden fees to monthly bills.
Last month’s measles outbreak will spread from Disneyland to Las Vegas forcing medical authorities into putting the entire city and its casinos under quarantine.
Russian leader Putin will hold a news conference to promise a thorough investigation following the murder of his chief rival, but will immediately dash from the lectern so no one catches him in the act of laughing hysterically.
March:
Federal investigators will determine that police in Ferguson, Missouri operated fairly and legally when an officer shot and killed a black man, Michael Brown, for walking in the gutter instead of on the sidewalk -- a Felony in the St. Louis suburb.
Israel’s prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu will cancel a scheduled appearance before congress on realizing that he would honk off President Romney for not first consulting him.
Authorities in Germany will determine that a fatal plane crash was caused by the failure of the mouse’s treadmill, and was accidental rather than the rumored intentional suicide run by the pilot, Ahmed Futtenbergerstein.
April:
Finally a nuclear deal both the US and Iran can agree on. We will promise to recruit inspectors from the membership of the Guide Dog Foundation and they will agree not to bomb us until they’re ready.
A Jury will declare the Boston Marathon bomber not guilty because he had a tough childhood, is not a bad person and used an American-made pressure cooker.
Hillary Clinton will announce she will not seek the Democratic nomination for President in 2016.
May:
The Labor Department will start including the populations of China, Vietnam, India, Pakistan, Indonesia and Monaco in its unemployment rate, raising the number of heads counted to 3.428 billion and bringing the unemployment rate to 3% including unpaid and underage workers.
Ireland will announce legalization of same sex marriage after which the population of Woodside and Forest Hills will immediately double.
The State Department will remove Cuba from the list of terrorist states and fill the missing slot with Michigan.
June:
The Congressional Freedom Caucus will ask the Supreme Court to declare Obamacare illegal and promise in return to release Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor and Anthony Kennedy from captivity in South Carolina.
The Labor Department will reject requests to drop Monaco from the US unemployment figures because not doing so would make the numbers look even worse.
In an effort to reduce greenhouse gases, June will not bust out all over.
July:
Cuba and the US will agree to open embassies in each other’s countries. The US will build in Havana’s Barrio Luz Rojo district and Cuba will build in Miami, establishing a northern beachhead.
A bad guy with a gun will open fire in Lafayette, Louisiana, killing two people and wounding seven others and then will be brought down by three full rows of good guys with machine pistols. The coroner will rule the gunman’s death a suicide.
Saluting the newly mandated acceptance of gay leaders, Boy Scout CEO Robert Gates will say “it’s time to unite behind the force for good of scouting… right behind… and one at a time.”
August:
Indonesia will record its third major air crash of the year, proving once again that things happen in threes.
Germany will perform the same kind of transformation that gave us “the New Nixon” by supporting the bailout of Greece and accepting thousands of Syrian refugees. The New Nixon turned out to be pretty much the same as the original and so will the kinder gentler and more generous Germany.
Newly appointed female US Army Rangers will disprove Annie Oakley’s theory that you can’t get a man with a gun.
September:
Pope Francis will cancel his planned visit to the United States saying “they’re all nuts over there and I’m a pretty busy guy… too busy to fix them until they all finish rehab.”
In announcing his resignation, House Speaker John Boehner will admit that his eyes are blue only because he’s wearing colorized contact lenses and that his real eye color is Jack Daniels Brown.
Scientists in Johannesburg will announce the discovery of a previously unknown human ancestor, homo nalidi, but later admit it probably was planted there by PT Barnum when his “piltdown man” was found to be a fake.
October:
In a stunning reversal of policy, President Romney will pull all American troops out of Afghanistan but will continue to supply allies with weapons.
Bain Capital, denying a link with the President’s change in Afghanistan policy, will announce it is spinning off “iHeartRadio” and acquiring the military tank division of Kawasaki Industries of Japan and Consolidated Dart Guns of Massapequa, NY.
Johns Hopkins will announce that it is not going to fill its existing vacancy for a brainless, delusional, lying brain surgeon.
November:
For thoughts on the Paris attacks please see the introduction above.
The presidents of China and Taiwan will plan to meet under the same roof for the first time but will have to postpone it because they can’t agree on the shape of the table.
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer will announce it is spinning off 184 of its 837 subsidiaries and will deny rumors that it had plans to move its headquarters offshore to avoid paying taxes.
Federal investigators will disclose that the Department of Labor artificially lowered the unemployment statistics by hiring 4.2 million new workers.
December:
For thoughts on the attack in San Bernardino please see the introduction above.
Two off duty police officers in a fender bender in Rahm Emanuel’s driveway will shoot each other dead and investigators will lose the security camera video.
Former New York State Senator Dean Skelos will be found not guilty of charges he squeezed payoffs and no- show jobs from legislation- dependent corporations for his otherwise unemployable adult son and will join Sheldon Silver’s law firm.
And we end with some questions:
-Why doesn’t Facebook have a Twitter account?
-Where does Bernie Sanders get his hair done?
-Have you ever seen Andy Lack and Ed Wynn at the same time?
-Have you ever seen Donald Sterling and Sheldon Addlebrain at the same time?
-Would you buy a used car from Ben Carson or Brian Williams?
-What ever happened to Bruce Jenner, he seems to have disappeared?
-If Putin can’t fully restore the Soviet Union, will he at least revive the Warsaw Pact?
-Is Ted Cruz part basset hound?
-Should Wessays™ adopt the ad slogan “Free, but still overpriced?”
-Why can’t you subscribe to the Washington Post with one click?
Antidictions will be available for all of 2016 at http://westradamus.com/
See you next year. If there IS a next year.
© WJR 2016
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