Wednesday, June 29, 2016

1662 Death Ray Lite

Charles Addams was ahead of his time.  The New Yorker Magazine cartoonist was on the cutting edge of new age weaponry.

Let me explain.  In 1953 Addams drew a cartoon which we can’t reproduce here for copyright reasons.  In it a patent attorney is pointing a rifle out a window as the inventor looks on.

The caption:  “Death ray fiddlesticks. It doesn’t even slow them up.”

Can you imagine the gentlemanly full and frank brawl at the magazine as they debated whether in the caption should use “slows them down” rather than “slows them up?”

Anyway… a death ray that doesn’t kill is exactly what’s needed in today’s violent era, a ray gun that doesn’t kill -- or stun like Star Trek’s Phaser or even the real world Taser -- it just slows them up.  Or down.

Just a little jolt to put someone’s metabolism in slowmo. That would eliminate a good chunk of police inspired deaths of accused felons.  Maybe they could design one of those guns to work on machinery, too.  Things like, say, getaway cars.

That would mean that a pair of bank robbers trying to flee with a bag of cash in a Chrysler 300 could stomp on the gas pedal but the car would take five minutes to go from zero to 60.  Wait.  We’re not sure whether that’s normal for a 300.  Make the car a Chevy Camero.

People fleeing from cops would slow the runners from the speed of Chariots of Fire to the speed of “The Sun is Shining, Oh Happy Day."  That way even Frank Cannon or Gunther Toody could catch the perp on foot.

And all you hunters?  A slow-ray would be paradise during deer season.  Billybob could fire away (ray guns are silent, right?) slow down that eight pointer, catch up with him and put a 9mm right between his sad and pleading deep brown eyes.

Also, slow flying duck for dinner, Bobby-Sue!

Shrapnel:
--Okay Brexit Clubbers, here’s actual fallout from the UK’s vote to leave the common market.  Standard & Poor’s  has removed Britain from its list of most credit worthy, which means borrowing will become harder and more expensive.  But the good news is the change makes it less likely that some fraudster will steal the Queen’s credit card numbers.

--RIP Scotty Moore, the guitar player who backed Elvis’ early hits.  More than that, Moore helped create the rockabilly style that remains popular today. Moore was 84.

--The bad news:  Three children were killed by Ikea dressers that fell over on them. The furniture has been recalled. The good news: At least three people successfully assembled Ikea dressers, possibly a record high.

Grapeshot:
-For a small upcharge, Ikea is offering owners of unassembled furniture lessons translating Swedish instruction sheets.

-Can Bernie campaign against Trump without campaigning for Hillary?
-Can Hillary beat Trump now that the Republicans have found no smoking Benghazi gun but continue their smoke detector mission against her emails?


I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016

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