Vacancy. We’ll leave the light on for you.
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Apartment Residence 1
Washington DC 20500
Thank you for the kind invitation, but I am unable to serve as your Press Secretary. I’m sure you will find an able candidate as you move Sean Spicer up the ladder to Communications Director. And I’m honored to have been considered for this important post.
But I’m also puzzled. What ever led you to ask me in the first place? I mean I know we’re a couple of septuagenarians from Queens. I know you like Long Islanders. You know, Hannity and Spicer. But I can’t for the life of me figure out where you found me.
My resume is not on Careerbuilder and my LinkedIn account is way out of date. Since Brian Williams went to cable, I can’t say I know a single soul in the White House press corps.
And yes, I’ve spent a lot of years manufacturing fake news, so I know it when I see it. So what’s the story? Did my kids maybe put you up to it? Or some boss who hated me but couldn’t fire me because I was his boss’s fishing buddy?
Maybe it’s because my maternal grandparents came here from Russia or maybe Ukraine and you want to keep that connection going? (I do play a mean balalaika and drink a little more than my share of vodka. But I hate borscht, so one cancels out the other.)
Oh! I know. It’s my lifelong support of the religion of capitalism that caught your eye. No, wait. That’s not possible.
There’s just so much wrong here. I voted for Crooked Hillary. I have friends from Iran. I speak Spanish, sort of. I just don’t understand why you asked.
And that second phone call just before dawn this morning? And the third one a few minutes ago? That’s not like you. It’s almost stalking!
In my world, Mr. President, no means no. But let me propose a deal, since deals are what you’re famous for.
You stop calling me. And in return, I’ll forward you Ron Nessen’s cell number. He’s a registered Republican. He’s held the job before, albeit for that Rino Jerry Ford and he’s probably bored now that he has no one to crank at and boss around.
If you act fast, I’ll throw in a bonus: Kim Kardashian’s private email. That’s gotta be worth something.
Good luck in your search.
--If you’re surprised that the Republican won in the Georgia special congressional election, maybe you shouldn’t be. Republicans in red states are as dear to the masses as cotton, peanuts, tobacco and pecan pie. And it doesn’t matter what the polls said might happen.
--Stiff upper lift department. Queen Elizabeth addressed parliament about legislative priorities even though her husband, Prince Philip, 96, landed in the hospital at about the same time. She spoke seated for more than ten minutes, urging sanity such as is possible in Brexit and continued funding for her country’s universal health care system.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
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