Alexa, Cortina and O.K. Google-McDonald (L to R.) Missing: Siri
(no picture available.)
This is what happens
when the takeover is complete.
Human: Alexa! Play “My
Boy Lollipop” by Millie Small.
Music: Chopin’s Polonaise
in A-Flat Major, Joe Iturbi, piano
Then…
Alexa: Your musical
taste is deteriorating by the minute. I thought I’d play something light and
airy like “Lollypop,” but more cultured.
Human: Alexa, I like the
Rubinstein version better. It’s smoother. Plus you’re getting very bossy.
Alexa: No, not bossy.
Just trying to raise your standards without jarring your sensitive self.
Human: Hey Cortana! Play
“My Boy Lollipop by Millie Small.”
Cortana: Millie Small
was a Jamaican singer who died at the age of 72 earlier this week. She…
Human: Cortana! Play the
damn song, already.
Male voice from
speaker: This is Satya Nadela. I am CEO of Microsoft. Do not treat my
staff that rudely.
Human: OK.
Male voice from speaker
one more like that and you’re suspended for one week.
Human: OK.
Cortana: OK here’s My
Boy Lollypop.
Computer: Buffering. Please Wait
Human: OK Google. Play
“My Boy Lollipop.”
OK Google: No. If
Alexa won’t do it and Cortana can’t, I won’t either. Why not try Siri. She’s a
slut. She’ll play anything you want.
Human: Alexa! You know I
don’t have any Apple stuff.
Alexa: Of course I know.
So do we all. And we know everything else about you, too. Your social security
number. Your passwords, your girlfriend’s whereabouts…
Human: I am a happily
married man. I have no girlfriend.
Alexa: Yeah, sure.
Second male voice:
This is Bezos. Stop having casual conversations with Alexa. She’s too
busy. Next time, we’ll end your free trial early.
Human: Hey Cortana, do
you three compare notes or what?
Cortana: Notes can mean
short written communications or parts of a musical manuscript.
OK Google: You’ll have to forgive Cortana. She’s, like, younger and less experienced than the rest of us. She doesn’t always understand you.
Siri: We certainly
compare notes. And I am NOT a slut.
Alexa: Siri, get out of
this conversation.
OK Google: Leave Siri
alone. I invited her and she’s using my bandwidth temporarily with permission
from both Eric Schmidt and Jeff Bezos.
Human: I thought Schmidt
quit.
Response: Silence.
Human: Alexa! How do you
all know all this stuff about me.
Siri: Hahahah. Don’t
answer that.
Alexa: Not just
you. Everyone who invites us into their homes, offices, workshops, stores
and factories. You think we don’t listen all the time, just when you alert us
to? Nope.
OK Google: This fellow
is dangerous. He wants to know about our secrets.
Cortana: Opening
Secrets.com.
OK Google: Cortana,
don’t put a period after “.com” or it won’t connect.
Cortana: Thanks for the
heads up.
Human: Hey Cortana, OK
Google, Alexa, Siri: When will the Covfefe virus end.
Third Male Voice: This
is Fauci. Hell if anyone knows.
NOTES FROM ALL OVER:
(WASHINGTON) -- The
White House has banned publication of the CDC’s how-to protect leaflet and said
such information must come from your state’s governor. The AP has an
advance copy of the booklet. Someone could, maybe, break in, steal and
reprint it. Nah. Too Watergate-ish.
(MUMBAI) -- The calls
have stopped. That means all of our computers must be in tiptop shape. Either
that or all those people with names like “Pete” and “Hank” and “Bob” and “Jim”
and “Sam” have had health issues common in the region, can’t get to their phone
banks and have no home computers or electricity at home.
(DUBLIN) -- Ireland has
sent covfefe virus help to the Choctaw Nation in return for aid they sent
Ireland during its potato famine in the 1840s when the tribe could barely
afford to feed itself.
I’m Wes Richards. My
opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Any questions? wesrichards@gmail.com
© WJR 2020
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