Back in the bad old days, the US and the Soviet Union kept threatening each other. “We will bury you,” said Khrushchev. Their nukes and our nukes faced off in places like Turkey and little kids in elementary schools learned to duck and cover.
Those days aren’t gone but they’re not
forgotten. Except what they used to call Mutually Assured Destruction has gone
cyber. Like everything else.
So now, versions of the Big Button sit
on the desks of the Russian and American presidents and we can wipe each other
out without contaminating the earth, air and water. How politically
correct! Destroy the people without destroying the planet.
Everything depends on computers, both
here and there.
In the Pentagon and in the Kremlin,
secret bunkers are populated by operators wearing military
jumpsuits.
Let’s say the president decides to zap
an important Russian City like, say, Vladivostok and in response, the Russian
president decides to zap an important American city like, say, Reno, Nevada.
The presidents log in. They go to the
map app, push the “destroy” button and … then … nothing happens. A screen
appears. It says “We’re sorry. Due to unusually heavy traffic some users
will find longer waits. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. You can reach
us by calling toll free 1 800 Zap Them. Or visit our website at
mutuallyassureddestruction.gov.
The presidents dial the number.
“Due to heavy traffic, we are
experiencing unusual delays. Please be patient. Your call is very
important to us and we look forward to serving you soon. Your call will be
answered in the order in which it was received.”
Then callers get an endless loop of
music. Something catchy, like “Third Man Theme” played on the zither.
Meantime in the bunkers, guys in
military jumpsuits wonder which side is first in the lineup of callers.
“Thank you for your patience. We look
forward to serving you shortly. Your estimated wait time is 37 minutes.”
Finally, after 72 minutes:
Operator: “Good morning. This is
Brenda in Cincinnati. How may I help you today?”
President: “Yes, it’s the president
calling for destruction of the computer infrastructure of Vladivostok.”
O: I’m happy to help you with that,
sir. Please let me have the last four digits of your social security number.”
P: Checks his wallet, gives number.
O: Thank you Mr. President. Now
please tell me the color codeword of the day.
P: Red
O: OK, that is correct. Now, let me
see. You say you want to destroy the computer infrastructure of
Vladivostok. How do you spell that?
P over his shoulder: Melania, how do
you spell Vladivostok?
P: gives spelling.
O: OK, Mr. president. Please continue
to be patient. My computer is a little slow today. Let me put you on hold
for just a moment.
O, back on the phone after another five
minutes of “Third Man Theme”: I’m sorry, sir, we’re unable to complete your
task today. Please call back later in the day or tomorrow.
And this and the Russian version is why
Vladivostok still has a working computerized sewer system. As does Reno.
I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my
own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com
© WIR 2020
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