4523 Quality Control

More of these would raise the percentage of products that work by reducing the number of those that don’t.

Stuff falls apart too easily these days and sometimes you can’t believe a reputation for reliability. Car companies that tout their tin with abandon are in the shop more often these days than your 1954 Mercury was.

The “Ten Year Warranty” on the name brand mattress is fiction, especially when it develops a senior sag in 18 months.

Letter openers don’t slice envelopes open; they rip them. And sometimes they rip the contents too.

We’re not talking about crap manufactured in near-slave work camps in the far east, here.  We’re talking about “Made in USA,” a slogan with relatively little meaning, especially if tagged with “of foreign and domestic components.”

What are the “components” of a sweater?  Which part or parts of the toothbrush or the pack of playing cards originated in China or Indonesia?

Quality control is a misnomer similar to “customer service,” and much of that is imported, too.

There’s a Holiday Inn around the corner.  We were having guests. We wanted to make reservations. We did. The customer service clerk was right around the corner in the hotel, right? Wrong. Try Manila.  Nothing wrong with that in principle. But not much right with it when it goes wrong. Which it did.

There is an upside to some deterioration, though.  Bad meals in bad restaurants are getting smaller.  That’s probably good for your diet, though not for what’s in your wallet. Paper straws tend to deteriorate when they sit half-submerged in super-size soft drinks, which may steer you to a smaller cup so you can finish your drink without inhaling or swallowing paper.

GRAPESHOT:

-Who do they call when tow trucks need roadside assistance?

-Is there still an easy way to force a payphone to make free calls?

-Are there still payphones?

-Where can you get replacement parts for your rotary dial phone?

-When your digital assistant can’t answer your question, does it consult ITS digital assistant or does it call a human with an encyclopedia?

-Are there still encyclopedias? 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Comments? Send ‘em here: wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2019

1404 Some Weekend Calling

Back in the day, The Phone Company used to advertise that “night and Sunday rates are lower.”

Well, they aren’t anymore but still, weekends can be a good time to do some business.  Maybe shorter wait times.

Maybe not.

So let’s try to renew a prescription.

Caremark is getting worried. It sent a note that said so. “Your prescription renewal is overdue!”  So, call what has become CVS Caremark.

Worried about a customer’s health?  Nah. Worried they haven’t been overpaid in three and a half months.

This requires having your 52 digit membership number handy.  And don’t forget the pound sign.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize the number” says the talking phone tree. “Please try again.”

Knowing they can’t remember all 52 digits at a time … plus the pound sign, it’s time to punch “zero.”

Remember, phone traffic is lower on the weekends.

“We are experiencing higher than usual phone traffic.  Expect delays…”

Punch zero again. “All of our operators are busy (napping?) Your call will be answered in the order it was received.  Or you can reach us more quickly at our website…”

Twenty minutes, and the operator comes on.  Wants the membership number.  (Please read it slowly) and then the prescription number.  And then the address.  And then the last four digits of your “social.”  No operator calls it “Social Security” anymore.

The operator then reads three different shipping options.  Everyone opts for the free one.

“We have a credit card on file for you. Please tell me the last four digits and the expiration date.”  The last four digits are committed to memory.  But not the expiration date.

Dig it out.

“Oh, and the special security code on the back.”

Half an hour to renew a prescription.

Maybe we’ll have less trouble with the bank.  

Why call the bank?  Because it is the first of the month and the direct deposit pension check is supposed to be there and it isn’t.

The unpaid bill collectors will not be sympathetic, so let’s see if we can get MiniMegabank to do something, like putting the expected pittance into the account… especially since the fake check “for your records” is in hand and it says the pay date is November 1, 2014.

Account number entered.  Higher than usual call volume.  Please wait or visit our website at (static) (static) (static) dot.com.

Finally an operator.  He says our policy is to credit business deposits on the next business day which is this coming Monday, 11/3 and you should see it on the website by Tuesday morning at the latest.

Discover card does not want to wait.  The “advice of payment” says the pension check is due for deposit today. Does MiniMegabank forgive unpaid mortgage bills due on a Saturday?  Nope.

But the Fed won’t let us.  

The Fed doesn’t care.  But if it did, which is the right reason, your policy or theirs?

Okay, okay, we don’t register the deposits unless the customer calls us.

“Well, I’m calling you.”

You’ll see it by Tuesday at the latest. Click.

But a couple of hours later, it turns up in the available funds column on the website.

Dear MiniMegabank:  I hope you die a horrible death, the FDIC shuts you down and a REAL megabank takes you over.  At least they answer their phones by the 540th ring.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2014