1642a No Wake for the Irish Bar

WOODSIDE, QUEENS -- No one lacks for an Irish saloon here.  Not that there are all that many Irish left, at least not like there used to be.  But the bars don’t move much.  

Donovan’s. Saints and Sinners. Sean Og’s.  Luke Kelly’s. Cuckoo’s Nest.

You know the kind of place.  You can sit with a beer for hours and read the paper, play the ponies shoot the… um… breeze.  Argue. And they kick you out if you order a Jameson’s with ice.

NEW ROSES, PA -- You move to a place like this and since it’s a college town, there would be at least a token representative called Derry Pub or McGonigall’s. Nope. Bars line the main drag. Someone with a couple of pumps could connect them all and wholesale the booze.

No Irish bars, at least nothing real. But they did have a Hooters.  And it failed. Smack across the street from a huge and boozy college, and it went under.  Go figure. Unless it’s violating the liquor laws or the noise laws, it’s almost impossible for a bar here to fail.

Along comes Kildare’s to fill the space.  And they know how to pour a Guinness. And they don’t care if you want a Bushmill’s on the rocks.  And they have Shepherd’s pie.  And it’s big enough to satisfy.

Waitresses in kilts.  Many with better legs than the Hooter’s girls.

It’s not Hurley’s.  It’s not even The Blarney Stone.  But it’s good enough to satisfy old man McCarthy formerly of Roosevelt Avenue in Woodside who moved to Twisty Creek Run here in New Roses.  And also Rich up the street even though he’s an Orangeman.

Only one problem with Kildare’s.  Well, two, the second being parking at the dinner hour.

Problem one:  the place sits on prime real estate.  So prime, in fact, that developers would have lunch there so they could drool not over the cabbage Colcannon, but over the property.

The restaurant’s lease runs until 2017.  But they closed down the other day without even a whisper in advance.

Sudden death.

Apartments soon rise from Kildare’s grave

A whole new building.

The love child of a flipper and flippee.

Company A bought the land and planned the building.  But then along came company B which made company A an offer it couldn’t refuse.  

“We didn’t buy the building to flip it,” says Company A. “We just wanted to create a beautiful living space a little higher than the zoning allowed at the time.”  Oh, sure.

But flip it they did.  Why go through all the bother of building an apartment house and displacing a youngish but still beloved saloon?  Easy money.

Company B’s plans are a little more grandiose and on a faster track.  So fast, they kicked out the tenant.  No notice.  Just “closed.”

Not even time for a decent Irish wake.

Shameful.

And you can’t get Dublin Coddle in a place that doesn’t have the right leftovers.

Today’s Quote:

--“We’re getting there.” --  Reality TV Star D. Trump on getting House Speaker Paul Ryan to endorse his doomed presidential strategy.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR

1642 To P or Not to P

Classified ad in North Carolina’s Beaufort Banner:

Help Wanted:

A leading local restaurant is looking for an energetic, alert Bathroom Monitor.  The candidate will check patrons’ birth certificates before allowing entry to the washroom and direct guests to the appropriate facility. Experience preferred. Middle school teachers especially welcome. FT. Competitive wages, benefits incl. parking space, use of the company Beretta Nano 9mm.  Send resume to Box 5450. No phone calls, please.

Classified Ad in North Carolina’s Beaufort Banner:

Misc. Services:

Replica Birth certificates while you wait.  Top quality work, reasonable prices. Walk-ins welcome. EZ Print 245 No. Greene St. Second floor. M-F 8am-5pm, Saturday 9am-1pm. Closed Sundays.

And so it starts.  The arduous task of Today’s Most Important Issue.

America.  We beat what then was the world's most important and powerful empire, the British. We won two world wars, obliterated deadly diseases, put humans on the moon. We wrote world-changing novels, made breathtaking movies. We opened literacy to hundreds of millions of kids. We made riches where there was poverty, freedom where we started with slavery.  We split the atom.  We created farming able to feed so many of the world's hungry we had to pay farmers to let land lie fallow.  We created a middle class with economic and social power, an economy unlike any of the great royals of Europe and Asia and far stronger.

And now, we're in death-grip arguments over who can use which bathroom.

The reason: North Carolina’s politicians and others in that part of the country dislike and fear transgender people and need an excuse to put them in their place.

The cover story:  We’re protecting children and others from sexual predators.

Hold on, a minute.  Is every LGBT person and every transsexual a predator?  And if so, is a public restroom where they’re going to pred?

No and no.

The problem with the politicians is they don’t know enough

1. LGBT people or
2. Sexual predators.

If they knew either, they’d be a whole lot less concerned.

Heaven help the local city council member who visits a Wendy’s known as a gay hookup spot, even if it’s just to have a “Dave’s Hot ‘n’ Juicy” with some fries and a medium Sprite.

Child molesters don’t hang out in the bathroom at Red Lobster.  Winning over an unwitting kid is complicated and long term.  The kids have to be courted.  Romanced. Won over. This takes time and caution.  It takes subtlety. It takes persistence.

There’s no doubt that it’s evil.  But this isn’t speed dating or a matchmaking app.

The campaign to dehumanize transexuals has nothing to do with sexuality. It is based on opponents’ self doubt, hatred of anything that doesn’t fit their template for what “ought” to be and arrogant self righteousness.

There’s no sure antidote to bigotry, but there are antidotes to bathroom groin checks.

1. Don’t live in North Carolina and move away if you do.
2. Depends.
3. Do your business before leaving home.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichars@gmail.com

© 2016 WJR

1641 Just the Facts. If You Can Find Them

Dragnet.  Just the facts, ma’am as Sgt. Friday would say interviewing a crime victim running off into endless digressions.

“I was just outside, hanging up the laundry when this masked man comes running over from Mrs. Barnacle’s house and… you know, Mrs. B, she’s an old gossip.  Why just the other day do you know what she said about that crazy old Mr. Riley?”

Just the facts, ma’am.

At the paper, in the radio newsrooms, then the television newsrooms, then the network news centers and especially at the Associated Press…

Just the facts, kid.

That was Rule One.

Rule two: every story has two sides and each side has to have a chance to tell its version.

(Actually, there was only one rule:  “Get it first.  But get it right first.” But this is commentary so it doesn’t count.)

Today, we live in a world of Teflon coated rubber facts.

So what’s a reporter to do?

Example:  Four years ago, a pretty co-ed was on a high floor balcony and fell to the ground. She was seriously hurt, went through years of rehab and now has graduated.

But wait. Do we put in these “facts?”:  She was too young to drink legally, she was out of her mind drunk. People kept giving her booze.

The answer: yes. Even if we extrapolated a bit when it came to her degree of drunkenness, the length and breadth of her rehab and whether she was graduated or “socially promoted.”

Okay.  Little local story.  Could have been handled better. Not much lost.

But what about these:  

--Low interest rates are going to cause catastrophic inflation and the answer is to cut so- called entitlement programs.

That a fact?  Well, it hasn’t happened in eight years of historically low interest rates.

--Social Security is going to go belly up in X-years if we don’t cut benefits and/or extend the retirement age.

That a fact?

--Taxing the rich creates more jobs.

Oh?

--Raising the minimum wage means massive job cuts.

No it doesn’t.  Or it hasn’t since 1938 when 25 cents an hour (about four bucks in today’s money) became the law of the land.

--Saddam Hussein helped Al Qaeda destroy the Trade Center and had weapons of mass destruction ready to fling around here, there and everywhere.

Nope.

--Global warming is a hoax.

If so, why are people buying potential waterfront property in Rochester, New York, which is 500 miles from the nearest ocean?

--God created the world in seven days and that needs to be part of science curricula.

Gimme a break.

Sometimes we’re blocked from Rule One.  Sometimes we’re too lazy to follow it.  What, then of Rule Two?

We have come to be a society of fact ignorance.  A place where salt free salt is a viable commodity.  Where creationism is considered a science.

Do we give equal standing to the inflation fear mongers and those who de- mong them?  Privatize the Post Office, the only constitutionally designated federal agency?

Does your kid, now 18 years old, have to work until he’s 93 to collect a federal pension that we’ve already paid for?

In these and many other examples, you can’t give equal credibility to both sides.  But we do.

And a shocker:  The best people at asymetrical coverage are at Fox.  The only problem with that is they give greater credibility to the wrong “facts.”

Oh, Sgt. Friday, where are you now that we really need you.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016.  And that’s a fact.

1640 From Afghanistan to Zika

Time for a news diet.  There’s just too much junk out there to take it all in. Gotta slim down.  From Afghanistan to Zika we are bombed so often it’s easy to reach for the bottle of Jack and get self-bombed.

First thing to do is be your own father or mother.  You can use the “parental controls” from your TV service to block Wolf and Scarborough and Megyn.

You can donate your radio to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.  Goodbye to Rush, Savage, Beck, Hannity and All Things Considered.  You can live without Lakshmi Singh, Dina Temple-Raston and Robert Siegel.

You can remove the news sites from your internet “favorites” or “bookmarks.”  You can change your passwords on Facebook and Twitter and then forget what you changed them to.

Your life will be easier if you pay no attention to the latest body counts in Syria, the number of pregnant women who may give birth to Thalidomide babies because of Zika, the latest misleading political polls and who can use which bathroom.

Or you can use the Weight Watchers point system.  Assign number values for each source.  Assign yourself a maximum number.  And when you reach the day’s number, that’s it. Over. Done.

But if there’s an exercise requirement, no need to leave the couch.  Just pick up a book every once in awhile.

Shrapnel:

--Trump is the equivalent of a third party presidential candidate.  Yes, he’s running as a Republican, but actual republicans want nothing to do with him. And unlike all the other independents and splinter party candidates in recent history, he stands a chance of actually winning.  

Grapeshot:

-In taking my own advice about the length of novels and the point value of news, this Wessay is 25% shorter than usual.

-It’s also certified organic, gluten and GMO free and no news sources were hurt in its preparation.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016

1639 The Sane Republican

Show of hands, please.  How many of you are sane Republicans?  

Hmmm.  All the hands are up.  Well, maybe we should look for a new way to ask that question.  

Many of those raised hands are attached to the shoulders of liars.  That said, there are plenty of sane Republicans, many of them in hiding.

To those who are telling the truth, a question:  What are you going to do?  Early on, you were faced with umpteen possible presidential candidates.  In time, most of them dropped out.  Including those representing the sane caucus which holds weekly meetings in the last remaining sit down phone booth at the Detroit Country Club in Grosse Pointe, Michigan.

Recently, the candidate roster got down to three guys, Trump, Cruz and Kasich.

Now, it’s down to one, Trump.

Kasich was so near the bottom of the polls it’s surprising his candidacy lasted as long as it did. That he disengaged from the presidential race is to his credit.  Why waste all that time, effort, energy and money for a hopeless cause?

Cruz was the worst of a bad lot.  And the most dangerous.  That he closed his shop is a tribute to those who recognize the danger he posed to America. He was inflexible, juvenile, had no credibility and lacked the “natural born citizen” constitutional requirement for US president.  

In his first hundred days, Cruz was prepared to turn the clock back on eight years of genuine accomplishment in the Obama administration.  He was ready to

--eliminate the affordable care act

--enforce religious conformity

--leave the big banks and other financial institutions intact.

--Return French fries to the cafeterias of public schools.

With Ted out of the running, at least we can worry less about Carly Fiorina playing any future role in the next administration.

But back to Ted. No one likes Cruz, even the people who say they do. No one respects him, even those who lie about liking him.

With those last two guys out of the running, we’re left with Mr. Deal, Donald Trump, who appears lost at sea without paddle or compass. And no one knows what -- if anything -- he stands for.

We do, however, know what he stands against: Current trade laws, Mexican emigres, Muslims, taxing the rich and consistency.

So, sane ones, what do you do?  Hold your nose and vote for dealin’ Donald?  Hold your nose and mouth and vote for Billary? Or sit on your hands at home on election day?

Shrapnel:

--Lacking in recent media attention, Republican talking head Mary Matalin has left the party. She’s registered as a Libertarian. But, she insists, this has nothing to do with Trump.

--The planet Mercury will pass directly across the sun this coming Monday, 5/9/16.  It will appear as a black dot.  Kind of like the sun has developed skin cancer because it’s out in the sun too long and doesn’t use high enough SPF.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016

1638 Novel Bloat

I'll explain the highlights later.

1638 Novel Bloat

A million years ago in Westchester, DeWitt Wallace was in bed recovering from war wounds.  With time on his hands, he founded The Reader’s Digest which compressed magazine articles from other publications and later books into relatively quick reads, interspersed with Very White Humor, and closet conservative commentary.

Half a million years ago in Lincoln, Nebraska, Cliff Hillegass started Cliffsnotes, super compressed versions of classic literature and later a much wider selection of fiction and nonfiction.  These saved many a student’s bacon at exam time.

These companies remain in business, though they’ve gone through all kinds of corporate spasms and seizures.  They’re not the gold mines they once were. But they’re still saving bacons.

Which brings us to the current state of the American popular novel.  Overweight. Waterlogged. Fatter than an elevator full of people on their way to their first Weight Watchers meeting.

Novels have become long and convoluted even more so than when famous authors like Theodore Dreiser and Sinclair Lewis were being paid by the word.

Insomniacs have Lunesta and National Public Radio to ease them into sleep.  Novels don’t need to go there.  But they do.  Especially those that are part of a series.

“Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire” has more than 600 pages.  The typical James Patterson Novel runs more than 400 pages.  Not as fat as, say, “Atlas Shrugged” or “Goblet,” but still plenty long.

Some people say the books are getting fatter because people pay a lot for them and want their money’s worth, especially with hardcovers.

But this is not exactly a new trend.  “War and Peace” runs 12- hundred dreary, difficult and often poorly translated pages.

MTV has trained us to reduce our attention span.  The typical music video has a scene change every ¾ of a second. The average 20 second TV commercial has more than 20 scene changes.  Stuff passes your eyes and brain faster than you can grasp what you’ve seen. But it does leave you with an impression.  What impression?  Well, there were a lot of nice looking women and nicer looking cars.

Or Swiffer Sweepers will cut your dusting time down to near nothing.

Why haven’t novelists caught on to this trend?  Is it the “Money’s worth” thing?  Are they a bunch of windbags? Do they feel they have to twist you around a plot or a character’s psychological state or bad childhood to keep your eyes on the page?

Yes, yes and yes.

Is any of that desirable?  Depends on what you read and why.  The point is this: people read action thrillers or horror thrillers or sexcapades or romance or mysteries because they want thrills, frights, bedroom scenes or love-conquers-all.  So why not give them 150 pages instead of 400 and cut out the page-eating plot twists and psychoanalysis of minor characters?

Or maybe just highlight the good parts.

To this point, you’ve read almost 500 words.  If you just read the highlighted parts, the count goes down to 63.

Shrapnel:

--RIP, Peter Thomas one of the most familiar voices in news, narrations and commercials.  You may not know the name, but you know the voice.  Thomas was 91 when he died late last week in Florida.

--Developers in Brazil want to build an erotic theme park  -- but no “sex on campus.” “Specialty” theme parks are nothing new. We discovered that in 2008 with this Return to Moote Pointe.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016

1637 The Myra Project

One of the major computer makers has named the Wessays™ Secret Mountainside Laboratories the main contractor for the Myra Project.

This is derivative.  It would never have been thought of had it not been for Siri, Apple’s “digital assistant,” the one who guides you to the nearest pizza joint or charging station for your Tesla.

Siri was kind of an electronic version of Eve of Adam and Eve.  She gave birth to the no name electronic assistant in Android systems, Cortina at Microsoft and Amazon’s “Alexa.”

An electronic quartet, perfectly in tune with all the habits your electronic device has learned about you from sources legitimate and illegitimate.

Soon they’ll be joined by Myra, the digital assistant with a difference.

Myra doesn’t coddle you.  Myra argues.  Myra is blunt and to the point.  Soon, all of America will be Myramaniacs with a smattering of Myraholics.

“Myra,” you will ask, “where is the nearest pizzeria?”

And the reply:  “Pizza?  You want pizza? You lose 20 pounds… maybe then we’ll talk pizza. Meantime, if you’re hungry, there’s a new ‘Granola Bazaar’ 12 miles from your location and they have top rated sprouts.  You want directions?  Maybe I could call them for you and order for pickup?”

How does she know your weight?  Heh heh heh.

“Myra,” you will ask, how’s eastbound traffic on the George Washington Bridge?”

And the reply: “First, you can’t get there because traffic is backed up from Lodi. Second if you DO get there, you’ll find construction on the upper level right lane and you know the mess that turns into.  Third, EZ Pass only at this hour.  You don’t have one. Why didn’t you take the tunnel, stupid!?”

“Myra,” you will ask, “When was the war of 1812?”

And the reply: “Are you (expletive deleted) kidding?”

“Myra,” you will ask, “when does the Jets game start?”

And the reply: “The Jets?  Why would you want to know that?  Three PM, eastern time, you loser.”

“Myra,” you will ask:  “What should I give my mother-in-law for her birthday?”

And the reply: “You could give her the Hope Diamond wrapped in Aladdin’s Lamp and you still wouldn’t be good enough for ‘her baby.’ Give her what she really wants… Grandchildren.”

“Myra,” you will ask, “how many grams in a cup?”

And the reply:  “How should I know?”

The possibilities are endless.  But there are some last minute bugs to work out.

“Myra,” you will ask, “Will you please tell my spouse when I leave work?”

And the reply: “Spouse is a marriage partner. The word comes from the Latin sponsa or bride and sponsus, male partner in marriage.  May I direct you to a translation site?”

“Myra,” you will ask “where is the nearest pizza parlor?”

And the reply: “Look!  Asked and answered. Is it that you just don’t listen or that you’ll think I’ve forgotten something we discussed five minutes ago?  Ask again and I’ll fry your motherboard.”

Gotta tweak the code a bit and fix that stuff.

Shrapnel:

-- Cheer and jeer for Target Stores.  Cheer: Pro LGBT bathrooms. Jeer: dropping their pharmacies and turning them over to CVS.

Today’s Quote:

--“If this material works out, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year. Earn me some serious Tubmans.” -- President Obama drawing laughs at the White House Correspondents Dinner.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2016