4726 Unmasked

 Everyone who buys one from us gets a free cubic yard of plastic packing peanuts, America’s new breakfast treat.

 Well, we don’t all have to mask up all the time anymore.  Now, what we do with the 10-thousand masks we hoarded? 

 

This hoarding was no easy trick.  It was real work.  But there always was the expectation that demand would continue to outstrip supply and we could cash in for big bucks.

 

First, we tried Amazon.  It was backordered.  Then we tried the websites of eight of the nine top shopping TV channels. No luck.

 

Finally, the ninth channel had some. Bingo! We stocked up.

 

And waited.

 

And waited some more.

 

And then still more.

 

Finally, there was the DHL driver at the door.

DHL? Who uses DHL on this continent?

“Packages from India, Sir. Sign here.”

India? OK. 

 

We sign.

 

The guy loads a big box onto a hand truck and plunks it on the doorstep.

 

In India, they pack like Amazon.

 

Huge box. Full of packing peanuts, those little electrostatically charged Styrofoam “s” shaped chunks of plastic you have to chase and never fully catch.  Someone wrote they taste like Cheerios.  Um… no thanks. A small box of 50 masks in the middle of all those Cheerios.

 

The delivery man said “You have two more boxes of this size… I’ll go get them.  He got them.

 

So… 150 masks, enough packing peanuts to safely ship a piano. 

 

Let’s try out the masks.  The elastic pulled out of three of the first five.  But even with a defect rate like that, our customers snapped them up.

 

Meantime we hunted for new sources.  The Vermont Country Store or some outfit like it had some.  We ordered.  Masks-R- us sold us 500 for pennies each.  

 

Then…  there was the DHL guy again, this time with a package from China. More Cheerios. 

 

What, we can’t make this stuff here?  

 

But now, we were drowning in masks and moving them out at a good clip.

 

HSN or was it QVC had a special with auto delivery subscriptions and time payments.  We subscribed.

 

And then, suddenly, every store on the planet had plenty. Target, Wal-Mart, Publix, Ace, Home Despot, Lowe’s, the three remaining Sears stores and their poor cousins, the two remaining KMarts.  

 

The Exxon Quick-Bite had them. So did the Bargain Outlet, Dollar Tree, Dollar General, Men's Wearhouse, McDonald’s, and the liquor store.  The neighborhood Quilting Society had them. So did the VFW. And Kiwanis.  High school kids were peddling them door to door. “Support our Soccer Team… Buy a mask!”

 

But no one beat our prices!

 

Now, suddenly, here comes the CDC with word we don’t need all those masks anymore.  We and all of the smarter merchants listed above are out big bucks and our warehouses are overstuffed.

 

Maybe the Quilting Society can take them off our hands.

 

Or maybe we should just keep them under wraps until the next pandemic.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021

 

4725 Gas Lines

 There was plenty to like about the 1970s. Then this happened.

 There are a lot of good things to say about the early 70s. Nice movies. Good music, at least some, where you still understand the lyrics.  Mainland China.  No more Nixon. But one thing may be the most memorable.  Gas lines.

 

Our close allies in the middle east, you know… friendly nations like Saudi Arabia decided they’d withhold oil and that resulted in one of the worst episodes of the decade, gas lines.

 

We lined up. We waited.  We made sure our license plate number ended on the right day, odd or even numbers... Odd plates on odd days, even plates on even days. It wasn’t quite rationing.  But restrictions applied.  

 

Never did find out what day you went -- odd or even number -- if you had a vanity plate with no numbers. What day did “Hot Shot” legally get on the line?  Or “Martha?” Or “Bobs Toy?”

 

The price of gasoline averaged out to about 69 cents a gallon in the early years.  It shot up to (gasp!) one dollar and then went even higher.  That was big money in those days. 

 

And now, history repeats itself.  A bunch of hackers shut down the Colonial Pipeline and demanded owners pay a ransom.  Who were these hackers?  Maybe a kid fighting acne and loneliness in his parents’ basement in Bulgaria.  Maybe whatever initials the KGB goes by these days.

 

The shutdown… just five days… resulted in shortages, price increases and -- wait for it -- gas lines.  Not everywhere. But not nowhere, either.  No shortage.  Just no transportation.  Amazing what you can do on the internet with a few keystrokes.

 

Does this strike you as strange?  The pipeline starts in Texas and ends in Greater New York.  But the shortages hit the southern end of the pipe harder than the terminal.

 

How about this for strange?  Ransomware shuts down the computer until the ransom is paid.  The pipeline is moving again.  So who paid whom and how much? Current reports put the payoff as $5 million in the artificial internet currency “Bitcoin.” This from a company that has said all along “we don’t pay ransom demands.”

 

Or was it a matter of “our” hackers were better than “their” hackers and undid the lockout with a few keystrokes and not even a call to Microsoft Customer Support.  They’d still be waiting if they relied on outside help.  

 

One thing’s pretty sure.  The problem wasn’t solved with software self-monitoring.  That takes even longer than waiting for an operator.  And they don’t even bother insulting our intelligence by telling them “Your self-diagnosis is very important to us.”  They just put up a rotating hourglass.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021

 

MINI 018 The Other Side of Mystery

We Know what the victim and the cops think when someone breaks into one of these.  But what about the safecracker? What goes on in her head?

 

Sometimes, we lend this space to others. It doesn’t happen often. Most recently it was in august of 2015, when a ghost ghost-wrote a story from the ghost-viewpoint of a haunted house.

 

We read a lot of mystery novels.  And the heroes are always a detective or other law enforcer type. Some of them are about a psychologist who helps solve crimes.  Or a lawyer and in one case, a district attorney.

 

But never have we read one where the main character is the criminal.  Wouldn’t you like to know the mind of a mobster or murderer?  Or, for that matter, a Madoff?

 

What went through Bernie's head while he scammed all those people and organizations.  Did he think he was ultimately doing the right thing? Can thievery like that ever be right?  Did he have some kind of higher motive? It's unlikely but possible.  And if true, wouldn’t it be interesting to hear the reasoning behind it?

 

Here’s a link to the Ghost Story from August 2015.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2010

  

4724 Informed Delivery

 

The Post Office has a new trick up its sleeve.  It’s a “service” called “Informed Delivery.”  Sign up, log in, see pictures of the mail that either is or soon will be in your mailbox.

 

If your mailbox is inconveniently situated a block or more from the house, it can save you the schlep there only to find there’s nothing inside.  It’s a big time saver.

 

Someone bought some cameras for the USPS. Now they photograph everything.  They’re slower than ever in delivery and here’s why.  Every time they stop the sorters to take a picture, some piece of mail moves and they have to do retakes.

 

The more creative postal photographers will photoshop some pieces of mail.  Usually that means cropping part of the picture, so you don’t know what’s in the envelope or who it’s from.  But the day is near that the real creative types at the post office will edit the pictures for entertainment value.

 

The gas bill will thus be transformed into a desert island scene or a lush field of oats or onions. The propaganda from your congressman will be changed into a picture of a lighthouse at sunrise.

 

Thus, just by clicking on your Informed Delivery account, you will be transported to all kinds of exotic and far flung places. Looking at Bali is much more fun than looking at the credit card bill or the ad for some schlock shop down the road.

 

But the whole photography thing raises some questions.  The biggest of them?  Why take pictures in the first place? Is it so you can see whether each piece of mail was properly placed in the correct mailbox?  What if it wasn’t?  Do you put it in the “outgoing” slot? Destroy it?  Read someone else’s copy of the LL Bean Catalog or “Soldier of Fortune” magazine, then recycle it?

 

If the postal service is being used as a photography school, why not also focus on movies.  Think of it… not just pictures of your mail but animations of cute little critters hauling each letter before the camera.  We know some mice and ducks and bunnies and that would be perfect.

 

Maybe Cancan dancers can hold each of your letters in an attractive tribute to the Rockettes of Radio City Music Hall.  Or how about animated Pony Express ponies.

 

Add a musical score and before you know it, the Post Office will be in competition with YouTube and Netflix.

 

SHRAPNEL:

--Are you shocked that the Kentucky Derby winning horse failed a post-race drug test?  You can bet the owner and trainer were.  At least that’s what it looked like.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021

 

4723 How to Vote in Flexas

4723 How to Vote in Flexas

 What besides turning back the clock can stop you from voting? Well, there’s always the Poll Tax.

 How to vote WHERE?  Flexas, the combined states of FL-orida and t-EXAS.  Two big states. Two states with a combined total of 70 electors in the Electoral College.  A force in any election.

 

At this writing, Florida has made voting harder than ever.  Texas already is the toughest state in which to vote and plans to make it even harder.  Two red states. Both with their feet firmly planted in the Confederacy. Both dominated by Republicans from when Democrats stopped being Dixiecrats.

 

Florida’s governor went to palm beach to sign the new restrictions in a celebration sponsored by a trump fan club. Texas is still working on its version of similar restrictions. But barring a lightning strike, there’s no chance they’ll fail in the legislature or the governor won’t sign them into law.

 

What’s the big idea behind all this?  If you ask the sponsors, they’ll tell you it’s fairness.  Fairness to whom?  Well… voters.  If you want to sail through the line on election day, be white.  

 

You say you are that? OK, just make sure you have all your identification papers in order and with you.  Bring your own water bottle so you don’t have to ask for someone to bring you one while you’re on line in 110 degree heat.  Same with sunscreen.  Make sure you’re wearing some even if the line is indoors. Sunshine in Flexas penetrates roofs.

 

If you can’t be white, at least have a government issued i.d. Of some kind… a passport, a driver’s license.  Even if the poll watcher is someone you’ve lived next to for 50 years and your kids all grew up together and played in each other’s yards.

 

What’s behind all this nonsense?  The answer is both simple and easy.  The White Knights or Republican party can’t win elections.  So the next best thing is to make sure you’re one of them … or at least LOOK like one of them.

 

Here’s an extra tip:  Don’t wear religious garb… you know… Dashikis or something that makes you look like you just got back from a pilgrimage to Mecca or those high-fashion black getups the Hasidim wear.

 

If you’re wearing religious accessories, make sure they’re crosses, not six-pointed stars or crescent moons.  If you’re a man in a suit or sport coat, a confederate flag pin will be as good as an America flag pin. Sometimes better.

 

If you’re a black male, a shaved head is a threat.  If you’re a white male with a skin head, well, skinheads are perfectly acceptable. Jackboots, too.  But leave the Swastika armbands at home.  It’s not that anyone will object, but it makes those newly empowered poll watchers uncomfortable.

 

See?  It’s simple. Compliance is easy.  As long as you’re white. And don’t worry about the obvious inconsistency of hating the government but still carrying government I.D. cards. Even if you’re a “Sovereign Citizen.” 

 

SHRAPNEL:

--Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced. It’s “amicable.” So why do they both need lawyers?

 

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions?  wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021

 

MINI 017 The Latest Shortage

 Shortages.  We’ve learned to live with them during the pandemic.  Toilet paper and paper towels in the beginning. Now microchips, some automotive parts and… wait for it… decorative river rocks.

 

Yes, river rocks are in short supply and the prices are as high as the quarries they come from are deep. Wait a minute. Quarries?  Yes.  Quarries.

 

River rocks mostly don’t come from rivers.  They come from dry land.  All those rocks in your garden or around your shrubs?  Do you have romantic visions of dredges on the Mighty Mississippi or the Colorado?  Monster machines that haul those pretty stones out of the drink? Guess again.  Or better yet, switch your mental picture.

 

That’s not how it happens.  River rocks are mined from landlocked quarries.  Now, you may ask, have we run out of landlocked quarries? No. At least not yet.  But all the building that’s going on has promoted a pell-mell race to grind up the rocks so they can be used to build roads and skyscrapers.

 

If we don’t do that for a while longer, there may soon be a skyscraper shortage.  

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021 

4722 Low Level Voter Suppression

Cutsie Condos in Flyover, PA.

 Talk about voter suppression.  The Annual Meeting of the Cutsie Condo Association is to be held later this month on Zoom.  And we’re all invited to listen. Listen but not speak.  We may see but probably may not be seen.  Democracy in the private sector.

 

The Mealymouth Management company says they can cram in more participants by … um … not letting them participate. Seventy two families own property in Cutsie.  Average attendance at past annual meetings has been in the neighborhood of maybe 15.  Fifteen onlookers on Zoom will allow dozens more to show up. Most of them won’t.

 

But -- perish forbid! -- management is not trying to silence the owners.  They have proposed a workaround.  A link they can use to submit questions and comments.  You’d think that offer would be made on a website so people can click on it and fill out a form. You’d be wrong. It’s in a snail mail form letter. The link is 47 characters long.

 

Try typing that without error. Should anyone do this right they will be directed to more complications.  

 

What would happen if they tried something like this in congress?  Okay, boys and girls, the Zoom Meeting of the House of Representatives of the United States is in session, the Hon. Nancy Pelosi presiding.

 

Most members would be able to hear and see Nancy but wouldn’t be allowed to vote.  They’d be able to hear and see the various committee chairs and senior members of the opposing party.  But when it comes to a vote?  Well, let’s not get picky.  After all, y’all chose leaders.  Let them lead you.

 

There’s also a lesson for corporate boards of directors here.  Especially the so-called independent directors.  Sit home and watch, ladies and gentlemen. But when it comes to a vote? Well, we haven’t figured that out yet.

 

Better yet, hold the annual stockholder meetings like that. Think of the fiscal responsibility. No renting of a giant hotel. No bar bills. No transportation costs or troubles.  And, of course, no descent and no votes.

 

Lessons to dismantle democracy! Starting at the lowest possible level unless they start holding block parties using this model.

 

Maybe there should be a demonstration outside the main hall of the Mealymouth Management company’s “world headquarters” which is in a hunting cabin deep in the woods where GPS systems don’t work.  Just make sure you keep the demonstration peaceful.  Carry signs that say, “Free the Cutsie Condo 72.” Chant “what do we want?” “The right to vote.” And “when do we want it?” “NOW.”

 

Anyone have Al Sharpton’s phone number? I lost my copy decades ago.

 

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Any Questions? wesrichards@gmail.com

© WR 2021