627 The Phone "Glitch"

627 The Phone Glitch

When you dial a toll-free number, here's what happens: you get switched into a call center and then "rolled over" into a local phone number that rings wherever it is you're calling. Well, almost.

Sometimes, the call goes astray and ends up on the wrong phone.

When it happens occasionally, it's a "glitch." When it happens almost every day, it's something more.

Here's my cell number (don't worry, everyone else has it.) 516 318 0063. Had it for about ten years. In that time, the phone has rung almost daily with calls for: Newsday, the New York Daily News, the New York Times, Empire Blue Cross, Medicare, Medicaid, Merrill Lynch, American Express, a porn website, and in earlier times for Waldbaum's Supermarkets, Nassau County Off Track Betting, Chase Visa, and the Johnson & Johnson Tylenol Hotline.

Verizon can't figure it out. They just don't know why it happens. But here's the answer: the call from the customer/ subscriber/ card "member," etc., gets transferred or "rolled over" into this local number instead of the right one.

Beside not knowing how it happens, they don't know how to prevent it.

So every day or so, Mrs. Blavatnik from Levittown calls to tell the Daily News that its new carrier is not putting the paper on her porch and she can't risk walking on the ice to receive it. Or some guy wants an explanation for a health insurance claim that's been rejected or "What's today's special in the vegetable department," or "why are all my stocks losing money?"

Mrs. Blavatnik gets a a polite answer. The rest of them? Not so much.

Verizon tech support: "We can deduct the minutes you use answering those calls."

Customer: "I never reach the limit in my minutes."

Verizon tech support: "then we can't help you, sir.

Customer: "But can you stop the calls?"

Verizon tech support: "No."

At least it's a straight answer.

Shrapnel:

--Mayor For Life Bloomberg and former Mayor For Life Giuliani have crossed swords on the terrorist trial being held in New York Federal Court. The former wants its and the latter thinks doing it is a result of some left wing conspiracy. No worries, boys, the guy's going to fry, but probably not in your lifetimes.

--Would be better to put the guy in hands of the NYPD, whose officers sometimes become a bit... um... distracted. Sometimes when that happens, the prisoner loses his balance and takes a fall. And that often results in serious injury, which would be a terrible thing.

--They finally caught the Turnpike Turkey near Jersey City. She disrupted traffic and nearly caused accidents for more than a week. But the animal control officers finally managed to net her and take her off to a zoo, where she will be saved from being someone's Thanksgiving dinner... maybe.

Coming Unattraction

By popular demand (from maybe six people,) the "Book Look" feature heard during Bloomberg on the Weekend from 2000 to 2006 will return to these pages. You want it, you got it. You don't want it? It'll be easy to skip.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®
©WJR 2009

626 It's Never "Nothing"

626 It's Never "Nothing."

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"No, really. You look annoyed. What's going on?"

"Nothing. Really. It's nothing."

It's never nothing.

In the eons-old jousting between men and women, women have taken to (a) denying what they'd really like to tell you or (b) refraining from punching you out over some slight, real or imagined or (c) admitting you know them well enough to perceive the radiation of "something is wrong" vibes from them.

What's truly scary is when you, the guy, know what is wrong and you can't get the lady to confirm it.

The other day on arising, the look of scorn came over "her" face.

"What's wrong, honey?"

"Nothing."

"No, really you look annoyed. What's going on."

"Nothing. Really, it's nothing."

But it WAS something. It always is.

The t- shirt was too tight.

It took two days, but finally: "You look like a meatball in that yellow t- shirt. You look like a sausage."

AHAH! It WAS something. It always is. In this case, it's a "so what?" moment. But that almost never solves the problem.

You didn't put the cat out. You didn't take the garbage out. You had one-too-many glasses of wine at dinner. You didn't load the dishwasher. You DID load the dishwasher but you still came back with spotted dishes. You didn't wish my mother a happy birthday.

"But your mother's been dead for 30 years."

"No matter. You still should have called. Or maybe the car needs washing. Or the laundry needs washing. Or "You told me not to buy two packages of bath soap at Sam's Club two weeks ago and we'll soon be out of the stuff."

Freud is said to have asked "What do women want?"

The answer is "nothing, dear. It's really nothing."

No it ain't. It's never nothing.

Shrapnel:

--We shouldn't be too hard on Sarah Palin about her book. She's rewriting history. But she's not alone, as election losers and losers in life are always trying to do that and usually getting away with it.

--The White House is ratcheting up its anti-Israeli rhetoric by calling new housing in Jerusalem "dismaying." What's dismaying is the President's boot liking attitude toward the so-called Palestinians, people who didn't really exist when Israel was found, but who have found a voice long since. And they forget that they already have a "homeland," which is called Jordan, which doesn't want them either.

--Go have that Whopper or Big Mac. There's a new study that shows you're no more likely to have heart trouble as a result than did some 3,500 year old mummies who have been discovered lately to have had heart disease. Arteries clog for all kinds of reasons, including stuff they ate more than 3,000 years ago without being asked "you want fries with that?"

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009

625 Second Looks

625 Second Looks

Lyndon Johnson is widely quoted as saying Gerald Ford is "so dumb he can't walk and chew gum at the same time." What LBJ actually said was "...can't fart and chew gum at the same time." Many of us can so-do, but not always perfectly.

And we are multitasking pioneers. Long before the term came into use, long before anyone thought of a name for it, many of us were... um... walking and chewing gum at the same time. And often, that resulted in poorly chewed gum (or bitten tongues) and/or gawky walking. That is to say when we multi-task, we get each task done, but often below standard.

The most common mistakes come when the multi-tasker is thinking of one thing and at the same time performing some silly mundane chore like sweeping the floor or washing the dishes. For example, one might think up this posting while, say cleaning the sink. This leaves us with a mental outline of a Wessay, and perhaps some spots in said sink.

Since it's almost impossible to concentrate on a task like sink cleaning without the mind wandering, a small suggestion. Once you think the sink is cleaned, leave the room momentarily. Then return and inspect the sink. The second look will generally reveal any remaining spots.

The second look idea comes to us from science. "Did I really turn lead into gold during that experiment, or do I just THINK I did it?" Easy enough to take a second look. If there's really gold on the lab table during the second look, you did. If there's still lead or lead again, you either didn't do it, or you didn't do it right.

Those of us of a certain age do this automatically sometimes. For example, the question "did I brush my teeth tonight?" usually can be verified by returning to the medicine cabinet and checking on whether the toothbrush is wet.

The second look is a handy tool, if we only remember to use it.

In the meantime, here's a piece of Double Mint for ya.

Shrapnel:

--The Palin book is full of lies, according to an Associated Press fact check. She's not rewriting history, though. Only current events, things that people who live in places like Alaska and Phoenix can remember and who don't remember them the way she does.

--Speaking of Phoenix, someone sent a couple of books back to a library there -- slightly overdue... um, well, 50 years overdue. The anonymous crook sent a $1,000 check to cover the fines. Stories like these are becoming almost as common as those about guys who get busted for DWI while in or on wheelchairs, lawn tractors and the rare (but not unique) stolen steamroller.

--All this guitar non-music is getting boring. Someone ought to try stardom with another instrument. The double belled euphonium comes to mind, or maybe the didgeridoo, the manufacture of which would keep Australian termites too busy to chew down houses in the outback.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009

624 Jargon-naught

624 Jargon-naught

We newsies have a jargon all our own, and like all jargon it's sometimes downright silly. But sometimes not.

Everyone's calling the guy who shot up Ft. Hood the "suspect." Legally, of course, he was, until charged. Now he'd rightly be called the accused. Suspect is a legalism because we're not, any of us, supposed to pronounce him guilty before a jury does, which it probably will. But everyone knows "suspect" is a ridiculous term in a case like this. There's no doubt about what he did in front of a gazillion witnesses. And no one suspects anyone else. Okay. Go with the justice system this time and use the legalism.

This is not the right word when they tell of someone who robs a 7-11. If we don't know his name, we STILL call him the suspect. He's not. He's the ROBBER. If they catch the guy and identify him, THEN he's the suspect. Think about it. How many times have you heard the phrase "police are looking for the suspect." That's untrue on two levels. First, if they don't know who he is, then he's not the suspect -- yet. And second, in an effort to make the story seem as immediate as possible, we say "police are looking for..."

Chances are they aren't, at least in a direct sense. More likely, they're filling out paperwork, drinking bad coffee and -- to mix jargons -- eating double chocolate glazed donuts. At some point, they may luck out or skill out and find the robber, whom we all will then dutifully and rightly call the suspect.

Jargon serves a few purposes. It's shorthand. It can speed communication within a closed system -- like a newsroom or an operating room. But it's also a lingo designed to cut the non-believers out of the church service. And every trade has it and uses it.

Doctors, dentists, lawyers, financial advisers, transportation workers, electrical workers, telephone installers. (Do you know what a "goat" is? It's that telephone like thing that installers carry and use to test lines. Why is it a "goat?" The answer is lost in Bell System lore.)

Jargon keeps us civilians from knowing the inner secrets of, say, mail delivery or cement mixing. Keeps the users on a higher perch. And, oh, how we love to be on a higher perch.

Shrapnel:

--Capitalism at its finest. A school in North Carolina wanted to raise money by selling higher grades to students, dollar a point, $20 minimum and maximum. They were stopped before they were started by people who didn't want kids to learn real life lessons -- as in how the world actually works.

--Here's an honest guy. He's a flooring man. And on the back window of his truck, there's this phrase: "We Lay Anything."

--That election for Nassau County Executive is starting to look more like the Minnesota senate race every day. The Democrat started out with a slight lead over the Republican and now their positions have reversed. Years ago they extended the term of office from three years to four and this year they might really need that extra time.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009

623 FiOS And Friends

623 FiOS And Friends

They keep sending ads for FiOS, funny spelling and all. That's Verizon. They have something to sell, they sell it. Hard. Primarily to existing customers.

Crystal clear high def fiber optic pictures. Crystal clear high def fiber optic sound on TV AND on the phone. Lighting speed internet service -- equally crystal clear and high def.

Enticing discounts and low fees for the period of the contract. Amazing stuff. Dazzle you with 500 channels, cheap phone calls and web browsing with microwave speed.

Okay, enough with the brochures, the mailings, the leaflets. Let's see what you can do.

The not-so-fast Verizon DSL connection leads to an equally not-so-fast FiOS website which tells us "Sorry, FiOS is not available in your zip code." Two years of sales pitches, sometimes more than once a week, and two years of "Sorry."

In an era of micro-niche marketing, you'd think they'd send this stuff only to people who can actually buy it. Not these guys. They're pouring money out the door to get you to open it and come in -- and when you do, there's nothing there.

And you wonder why your regular phone, DSL and cell rates are so high? (Hey, fellas, how are you going to blame THIS idiocy on your shrinking unionized workforce? You'll find a way.)

Tony the installer is down the street. He's a fellow member of the Communications Workers of America. "Hey Tony, my CWA brother, when we getting FiOS?" "As soon's they can figure out how to get the fiber optic stuff from the street to your house."

"But they already have wires from the street to the house." "Yeah, but that's copper. It's different from fiber."

That's the ticket.

Is there something special about the conduits around here that make it hard for Verizon to install fiber, but okay to run copper? Tony doesn't know. He says call tech support.

We all know what that means. A telephonic visit to the Philippines or India or somesuch and no answers.

Of course, this brings up another point. What else are people pushing that you can't get? The answer: not much. The Chevy "Volt," maybe or "Real New York (pizza/ bagels/ hard rolls/ cheesecake)" anyplace but New York... Maybe Windows 7. Other than that, not much. Verizon could teach the rest of the marketing world a thing or two.

Shrapnel:

--Why don't they number doctors' prescriptions like they do bank checks? That would make some of those funny 'scrips easier to trace when people steal or trade in them. And why didn't someone think that up ages ago?

--At the doc's office recently, a Hispanic receptionist, accent and all. Felt like home. But at home, it wouldn't have.

--What's the one word you don't want to hear a nurse say when the doc is cutting something off you? That's right, it's "oops." Fortunately there was a prosthesis store right around the corner from the surgeon.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009

622 The Two Way Sewer

622 The Two Way Sewer

It's why we have all those shootings and a lot of other bad stuff. A sewer with two way traffic.

Look at it this way: The solipsists have taken over the world, guys who think everything is in their heads except themselves. The world's imaginary and they think they are the only reality. So, if they go out and off a bunch of soldiers at Ft. Hood or in an office building in Orlando or Oklahoma City or in a high school in Colorado or a college campus in Virginia, what of it? It's only their imagination.

Coming one way down the sewer is this notion. Coming up the other direction is reinforcement. Rugged individual. Founding fathers. My Own True Religion and a personal relationship with an (imaginary) deity. This two way effluvium is a perpetual motion machine that gains strength as it flows.

Reaganism turns to isolation, turns us to a jungle mentality turns us to solipsism. Solipsism turns us to a jungle mentality, turns us to Reaganism.

Health care for the masses? Not on your life. There ARE no masses. Just me. And I got mine.

Torturing prisoners in secret jails? No worries. Neither the prisoners nor the jails are real.

Energy costs? Guys who set the prices don't believe you're really there, so what's the big deal about charging more?

The Ft. Hood shooter? People are making a big deal out of his Muslim-ness. But that's not what this is about. This is about a guy who hears voices in his head and the voices tell him to kill and he does. What does it matter: the "victims" don't exist. Of course, it seems the sewer flows are interrupted now and then -- like when the shooters get shot. But no matter. The bullet and the resulting injury or death are mere figments of one's imagination.

He could have held any other set of beliefs and felt and acted the same way. A solipsist shrink "curing" imaginary illness in imaginary patients isn't a whole lot different than a solipsist Muslim lauding imaginary suicide bombers and killing imaginary co-workers (and that's who the victims were!)

The Orlando shooter? He got fired by his imaginary employer and took revenge.

Do these people know they're doing this? Probably not. An ordinary person having this self evaluation would probably imagine himself a loony bin and check himself in.

Meantime, the sewer with the two way traffic keeps building up more of ... um ... what sewers build up.

Shrapnel:

--A listener wants to know this: why Boehner says his name "Baynor," and not "Bone-er." Still trying to figure out whether she means "Bone-er" as in "error" or bone-er as in lack of erectile dysfunction.

--Why do conservatives cling to talk radio and the liberals rejected it? The right craves marching orders, the left does not. Which is the main reason Air America has never been a hit.

--They sell goose calls in hunting stores in middle America where there are no geese. That's bad for the hunters and good for any stray fowl who does a flyover. Now, why not elephant calls?

We didn't get to be the way we are by being the way we are. I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009

621 The Mighty Fitz

621 The Mighty Fitz (1958-1975)

We remember some shipwrecks. The Titanic, the Andrea Doria, the General Slocum, the Lusitania, the Bismarck. Had Gordon Lightfoot not made an unusual song about it, though, we might not remember the Edmund Fitzgerald, which went down in on the Canadian side of Lake Superior on November 10, 1975.

Unlike the sunken battle ships or the sunken luxury liners or the sunken touring boats, the Fitz was a mere ore carrier. There were no deck chairs or orchestras or huge guns. The Mighty Fitz was a bathtub with a propeller. And a shipwreck on a lake? A LAKE?!

Those of us who grew up on the Atlantic maybe too often turn our noses up at the thought of a lake as a formidable body of water. Superior is the largest lake in the world. And it is the third largest by volume with 200 rivers feeding it from several angles. Put it anywhere else, add a little salt and you've got yourself a perfectly fine sea.

And that bathtub with a propeller? Standing on the dock and looking up, you could confuse it with a mountain or a skyscraper. Length? Bigger than anything that floats and that you've been on. Seven hundred twenty nine feet. (The Titanic was 883.5, so only 150 feet or so bigger.)

We know what killed the Titanic, the Andrea Doria, the General Slocum, the Lusitania, the Bismarck. We do not know what killed the Edmund Fitz. A storm with hurricane force winds came suddenly and went? The bathtub overturned and broke up and went down, all so fast there wasn't time for a real distress call?

We can't exactly ask Capt. Ernest McSorley or any of the 28 others on board. But think about this: this vast ship, largest of its class and time, a city size bathtub carrying more than a quarter million tons of taconite, rocks with iron, falls 500 feet down and no one knows why or how.

It took awhile to find the wreck. The US Navy did that with magnets.

They've dived down and gotten the ship's bell. Did that only in 1995. It's in the museum they built.

Fifteen thousand people were on hand for the launch in '58. Twenty nine were on board for the sinking in '75. And they remain on board, preserved in their final moments and probably in good condition at that. The freshwater doesn't destroy its victims as the ocean does and there are no real predators down there.

As far as we know, all the crew remain where they landed. The families don't want them brought up.

That's the way they do it on the lakes. And this is the time of year we remember them.

Shrapnel:

--It was only justice. What better way to inaugurate a new stadium but with a world series win? Go Yankees!

--Mayor-for-life Bloomberg got bored running his company after about twenty years. But he has only 12 years to grow bored with his present job. Which is probably good for both Mike and for New York.

--A teenage girl in Idaho road rage rammed her truck into a car, then slathered the target with salad dressing. She used ranch flavor, which shows absolutely no upbringing. Everyone knows meals of metal taste better when slathered in FRENCH dressing.

I'm Wes Richards. My opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.®

©WJR 2009