846 Second Hand Waves

846 Second Hand Waves

Oh, goody! Another posting about cell phones! But wait. This one can help you even if you don’t have one. Yes, as a public service, it’s time to disclose a deadly affliction that hangs in the air everywhere and victimizes even the unsuspecting.

As we all know, using a mobile phone causes brain cancer. Although nobody’s performed conclusive research, there’s little doubt in many minds that this is true.

And we all know cigarette smoke can cause lung cancer, heart trouble, emphysema and a host of other ills and that second hand smoke is as bad for you, almost as bad for you as using an actual cigarette.

But what about second hand cellphone waves? Might they not also affect you even if you don’t use a cellphone? Of course they do! Since everyone else is using one, there’s little doubt that we can expect a wave of brain trouble even by non users. And the problem is getting worse, what with the explosion in smartphones that people use constantly for texting, gaming, e-mails, driving directions, internet surfing and on and on.

So here’s the public service part of this discovery: We need new laws.

First, cellphone use should be banned in public spaces. It’s a health hazard and you have a reasonable expectation of protection from the guy on the next bar stool who is yapping on his iPhone. And if smoking is banned in offices and factories, on subways, trains, planes and buses, it should be banned in any closed space.

Second, as an individual you can fight back. Say you’re walking along the street and stopped for a light. Guy walks up and stands next to you. He’s talking on his phone. You attract his attention and make a face that says “ewww!” and wave your hand as if trying to fan away the waves.

Third, Madison Avenue should come up with the same kind of anti-cell phone campaign as it did to fight against kids’ thrall with Joe Camel.

Fourth: There should be warnings on the phones and their boxes. “Warning: The Surgeon General has determined second hand cell phone waves are dangerous to the people around you.”

Fifth: prospective employers should give tests to prospective employees. Any trace of cell waves and they’re disqualified.

We have to prevent people from spreading their brainwave distortions to the rest of the innocents.


C O R R E C T I O N

Wessay #844 An Open Letter to Al (4/6/11)
In first graf, read xxx Einstein’s death on April 18, 1955 at age 76 xxx (fixing year of death and adding age at death.)

Shrapnel:

--KatieWatch: Latest rumor is she and Matt Lauer will be reunited and put on a syndicated talk show, to be produced by their former boss, Jeff Zucker. Or maybe it’s just Matt’s best path to a mega-raise at the Today Show.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

845 Time(s) On My Hands

845 Time(s) On My Hands

The current generation of the nearly fished out gene pool that owns the New York Times has established a pay wall for the paper’s website. If, as legend has it, things happen in threes, this is the third “event” in a series and we should be finished with nonsense from that part of 8th avenue, at least for now.

The first two were:

--Building the Ochs Box, a monstrously expensive headquarters building in an era of declining revenue and deserves the Pritzker Award for ugly.

--Selling radio station WQXR.

The paywall is not original with the New York Times. The Wall St. Journal does it. So does Long Island Newsday. And it’s true these papers can’t survive on print ads, coins collected from newsstands and subscriptions, so -- okay, charge us to read.

Presently, at least, the Times is cheaper than the other two papers. A small consolation.

The paywall has been parodied in the Huffington Post. And in public meetings, the Times’ publisher has defended the complex and confusing subscription system with both anger and haughtiness.

An (inter)net result of the change is those of us who cough up the money now will be protecting our investment by reading the site more frequently and more closely.

On a recent morning, we found such fascinating stuff as an in depth look at the fashion statement made by men’s sneakers, a review of the “M. Wells Diner” in Long Island City, Queens, a tour of a house in New Delhi, and obituary for long time governor Ned McWherter of Tennessee.

McWerter was one of the good guys, it seems. But how many Times readers ever heard of him or -- if they did -- cared?

Ah, you say, but this is the stuff that makes the Times the Times.

Nah.

What makes the Times the times is extensive and detailed reporting, extraordinarily informative headlines, global reach and general reliability. And then, there’s the perception by liberals that it is conservative slanted and by conservatives that it is liberal. Nice. By displeasing everyone, it is doing its job. Also, it is one of only two essential American news sources.

Okay, so they need to raise money. Charge for use? Sure, why not. Just don’t tell us, as you have, that it’s for our own good.

The Grey Lady as poll dancer and streetwalker. Maybe the new building on 8th Avenue wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Location, doncha know.

All this brings to mind a line from a Tom Lehrer song: “Now there’s a charge for what she used to give for free, in my home town.”


Shrapnel:

--Footnotes to the above: the other “essential news source...” is the Associated Press. The Pritzker thing is considered architecture’s Nobel Prize. The Android smartphone version of the Times’ site likes to crash fairly regularly.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

844 An Open Letter to Al

844 An Open Letter to Al:

We’re fast approaching the anniversary of Albert Einstein’s death, April 18, 1976. Since it’s unlikely that he reads his mail these days, we’ll send it to your eyes, instead.

Dear Dr. Einstein,

Some of us are a little concerned about your well being, even though you’ve been dead for going onto 56 years. Lately, people have started to notice you, probably in a way that would either tickle you or anger you.

Even though your theories of relativity are each more than 100 years old, people still study them. Most of us have no clue about what you said back then. But we know YOU, or at least we know pictures and cartoons of you.

The custodian of your estate, Hebrew University of Jerusalem is raking in bucks in return for renting you out as pitchman for soft drinks, cable channels, watches, computers and t-shirts.

The school says it earns over one million dollars a year in fees from use of your name and likeness. Dead as you are, you have become one of the universities most generous and reliable donors.

As dead celebrity earners go, you’re no Elvis, John Lennon or Sinatra. But still, what you bring in is a decent amount.

So, would all this attention please you? Or would it honk you off? It’s no secret you were unhappy with your fame while living and you said so on more than one occasion, taking sharp-tongued aim at all the folderol generated by newspapers and magazines. Fortunately for you and for the people who thought as you do about public attention, you missed the media storm that was gathering about the time you died and has since grown to hurricane strength.

But if you think newspapers were loud, you should only hear what 500 channels of television, another 500 of radio, plus the internet can do in the decibel department.

Some of the hyper- and uber- academics look down their noses at these seemingly frivolous product endorsements. Pay them no mind. They’re just jealous. Almost no one knows them by name. Few of them have made an Einsteinian-size contribution to knowledge. Their names aren’t household words if they’re known at all.

Today, you’d be psychoanalyzed from a distance. You’d be castigated for your hair do, your fashion sense and your violin playing.

In some ways it’s better to be a photo, a cartoon or a label.


Shrapnel (Premium edition):

--Followup to Wessay™ 843, “Opting In-Opting Out: Apparently this space has started a small wave of Opters-out from Verizon’s “Premium Messages” “service.” Glad to be of help, folks, and thanks for the kind words.

--Actually, the board of directors here was thinking about starting Premium Wessays.™ Going to double the price and not tell you. Oh, wait, $0 x 2 =$0... so never mind.

--We might all consider not buying anything with the word “premium” attached to it and that isn’t a saltine cracker. Overwork has killed the concept. Maybe decent words should unionize to improve the number of times each is called upon to exceed heavy lifting standards.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

843 Opt In-Opt Out

843 Opt In-Opt Out

Your smart phone is smarter than you are. And more devious.

The phone bill comes the other day and instead of being merely too high, it’s WAY too high. We have all kinds of features. Readers, texting (relatively unlimited,) internet (entirely unlimited,) and all kinds of what they’ve come to call “apps.”

So with a carillon of bells and a Calliope full of whistles, why are we being charged for something called “premium messages?” In Verizon-speak, a premium message is a text someone sends you and that costs when you open it. Cost hardly begins to describe it. It’s just under $10 a pop. There were two on the current bill, both from the same sender, unknown to us.

One was about why crocodiles don’t need dentists (they grow new teeth throughout their lifetimes,) the other’s been forgotten. Short texts. They would fit on Twitter. While news of the crocs is interesting, it’s hardly worth ten bucks. Or any bucks.

A call to Verizon informs us we get those things because we didn’t “opt out” of premium messages. Okay. Except who knew we had them or had to opt out? It’s not in the pound and a half of instructions that comes with cell phones these days. It’s not on the endlessly long receipts. It’s not in their advertising. The salesman said nothing about it. And had we known to ask, what would he have said? Forecast: a puzzled look and “what are you talking about?”

Those generous souls at the phone company agreed to “forgive” the twenty bucks for the two short texts and allowed opting out. But they justified charging for them in the first place by proclaiming “we are doing nothing illegal.” Ahem. Lots of bad stuff is legal. Just ask one of those ex-smokers who’ve suddenly and mysteriously developed an “allergy to cigarette smoke.”

This kind of junk is something one should have to opt into, not out of. And it’s hard not to wonder what other as yet unused “services” will leap out of the next bill.

New York Tel used to advertise “If talk is cheap, blame it on the phone company.” Nifty slogan. But what about “premium messaging?”


Shrapnel:

--Mass transit pop-tops. We now have planes that lose part of their ceilings in flight to go along with the buses that lose their tops while traveling through the Bronx. “It don’t leak when it don’t rain” is not an acceptable reason for the hole in the roof of a jetliner, but at least the passengers didn’t have to pay extra for the skylight view.

--Corporate Justice. The owners of the killer-polluter oil platform that blew up in the gulf typically award “safety bonuses” to their executives and did so in their most recent pay period. They “earned” two-thirds their largest possible bonus amount and some execs got raises in the neighborhood of 30% of their base pay.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

842 Conspiracies!

842 Conspiracies!

In March of 2009, about three years ago, this space was devoted to the foibles of navigating by GPS. Tech years are shorter than dog years. So here we are, two years later and times have sure changed.

Even though the technology has skyrocketed and prices plummeted, almost no one buys these devices anymore. Why? Because they come built into many new cars or because your “smartphone” has a built in GPS application.

So here we have two conspiracies. One, the “guys who are out to get you” have a much easier time tracking you. Between the GPS and the EZ Pass, everyone who wishes has the ability to know your every move. The smartphone travels with you both on wheels and on foot. So spying on you is even more detailed than previously.

You never know when an enemy agent awaits you in the candy aisle of the grocery store, the next table at the restaurant or even in the car behind you.

Better watch out, you paranoid. (You’re important enough to track and follow? Highly unlikely. Someone has the time to track and follow? Equally unlikely.)

But increased sophistication aside, there’s a newly emerged conspiracy that’s even more sinister than your psychotic fears.

The new kids on the block are the gasoline companies. How so? Check out some of those routes the GPS gives you. Say you’re heading east on Route 27a. You want to get onto route 27, which runs parallel. So you stop in a parking lot, let the GPS find your spot and then program in your destination.

You know all you have to do is make a left, go a mile or so and make a right and there you are. But that’s not what the GPS tells you.

Here are the instructions: “Make a left in two blocks. Turn left onto Central Parkway and go one block. Then: turn right on Yale Rd. Yale road turns out to be a dead end the gizmo didn’t know about and discovers only belatedly. So it tells you “make a U turn proceed back to Central Parkway, turn right on Central Parkway. Turn right on Babylon turnpike. Turn right on Route 27.”

The thing has taken you six blocks out of your way. Your Lexus SUV has used twice the gas it would have if you had followed your nose. Plus “Route 27” isn’t marked “Route 27,” so you don’t really know you’re in the right place until you make the turn and travel awhile. Assuming all the “27” signs are still standing, you will see one within a mile. Which may already be beyond your final destination.

You will pass at least two gasoline stations in that trip, and they will be beckoning you. And if you fall victim to their siren song, they will send a nice payoff to Exxon.

(For reference: Wessay™ #520 Knowing What You Don’t Know:
http://wessays.blogspot.com/2009/03/520-knowing-what-you-dont-know.html .)

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

841 Safe Haven

841 Safe Haven

It happens all the time. You’re holding a piece of paper on which is written something you know you’re going to need at some point, but probably not soon.

Maybe it’s the serial number and model number from your new GE water heater (Wessay™ 837.) Or it can be the combination for the lock on your suitcase. Or the phone numbers to call for a gas leak or a power outage or what they now call “roadside assistance.” Maybe something you’ll need at tax time. The deed. The rental agreement. Or the endless “product key” from Microsoft. Anything, really.

Have to put this in a safe place and you do.

True or false: squirrels spend all autumn burying acorns, and then in winter forget where they buried them. Opinion is divided.

But not when it comes to Us the Bipeds.

We put that important future paperwork in a safe place and then promptly forget where. How many times have you said to yourself “I know ‘it’s’ in this drawer, somewhere?” It’s in the freezer. It’s under a couch cushion. It’s under a rug. It’s in the cabinet with grandma’s good china.

We never use an obvious place, because it’ll be in the way and “we’ll never need this stuff.” But when we DO need this stuff, we don’t remember where we put it.

Maybe we should have “emergency drills” once a month, like fire drills in grade school. Starting with the first day after the first month we put the paper or papers in a “safe place” we ring a bell, then go to the “safe place,” inspect the document or documents and replace them in their spot. This way, we’ll have a working familiarity so when the lights go out, we’ll know where the phone number is.

Or maybe what we need to do is put everything in a safe place, then put a treasure map to the safe place in another safe place. Now, where’s that map, again?

--Shrapnel (ex-NBC edition):

--New rumors abound that Katie Couric is not going to stay at CBS when her lucrative contract expires in June. The top guy wants to keep her, the top news guy seems not to, but may offer her a daytime show and a permanent spot on “60 Minutes.” Please recall that this space long ago predicted her next job would be host of the 3 am Lee Press-On Nails infomercial, which likely will reunite her with long time friend and ally Jeff Zucker.

----Congratulations to Jim Farley, the brains behind WTOP, Washington, which was America's top billing radio station of 2010, $57 million dollars. Jim started his career as a copy boy and worked his way up. And the geniuses at Bonneville may be wondering why they’re selling that group of stations.


Note to readers: Thanks to Carole Mol for suggesting the safe place idea and helping amplify it.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011

840 Size Matters

840 Size Matters

But not the way it used to.

Another piece of evidence that the world is turning either backward or upside down. Check out the unit price markings on almost anything in the supermarket. You assume that a bigger box or jar of something costs less per ounce or pound than the same product in a smaller container, right?

Wrong.

At least some of the time.

One recent tangle in the mayonnaise aisle: Small size, 13.3 cents an ounce. Large size, 13.5 cents an ounce. Not much of a difference. But still, backward.

Ask about this and they look at you like “what are you talking about?” or “why do you care?” Or better yet, “Huh?”

You can find the same kind of pricing on chicken broth, laundry detergent, tooth paste, peanut butter, and sometimes dairy products.

Good thing they don’t do this at the gas station. Fill up your F-150 at $4.00 a gallon; fill up your Prius at $4.60-per. (An F-150 is a top selling Ford truck and a Prius is a hybrid Toyota.)

Using this same principle, expect the insurance company that gives you a discount if you buy more than one kind of policy, will start charging you more. Too much paperwork, doncha know.

So what’s behind this behind-the-scenes change? Is it a retail plot to get you to spend more on stuff? Does it cost more to ship ten pounds of 16 ounce jars than it does to ship ten pounds of eight ounce jars?

Maybe a better question is: Are we seeing a leading indicator of things to come? Probably.

And just wait for the so-called “clubs” catch on -- and they’re already starting to shift. Walk into one of those pay-to-belong places and try to buy a six pack of beer or toilet paper. Can’t do that. You can, however by a case of beer or a case of toilet paper. Great if you drink a lot of beer or... um... use a lot of toilet paper. But when you check the unit price, you’ll find that a lot of the time you’re paying as much or more at the bulk warehouse pay-in-order-to-pay store than you would at the local supermarket. You have seen the future.

Meantime, compare those unit prices. They’re going to Hellmann’s in a handcart.

Shrapnel:

--Nutcase former UN Ambassador and possible Presidential candidate John Bolton says the US should kill Gaddafi. Good thinking, John. Any decent hit men on your payroll these days, or did you want to do this job yourself?

--American officials report some of Japan’s radiation has reached Nevada. They insist that there’s no health threat... at least not yet... everything is dandy and safe. Yeah, right.

--Everyone’s on LinkedIn.com. Think anyone looking to employ anyone looks there for prospective employees? If the answer’s yes, it’s suprising.


I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®
Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com.
© WJR 2011