1214 All New

1214  All New

Is there really such a thing?  You hear it on TV every day.  “‘Unresolved Conflicts’ an all new episode tonight at 9, eight central on NBC.”

Oh, great.  I thought we’d have to wade through a partly new episode.  You know, one where Harold Honk, esq has an argument with a judge, interspersed with unrelated flashbacks and snippets from three seasons ago.

It’s possible for a magazine show like 60 minutes or 20/20 or Dateline to have a partly new episode.  They might have, say, three stories of which two are new and one is a rerun.

They rarely do that, but it IS possible.

Notice, newscasts never say they’re all new.  In many cases, they aren’t even though they’re supposed to be.  A lot of news is rehash.  Sometimes it isn’t even “re’d.” It’s warmed over.  Or just taken out of the refrigerator and served cold.

But it’s not just television.

Example:  the iMac describes its latest model as “all new.”  It isn’t. It’s still a screen in a box.  Perhaps they’ve amended their operating system so it can do some new tricks that you never knew until now that you needed or so that it rejects older software you have and want to install.  But all new, it isn’t.

A semi-viral video shows Kate Upton washing the “all new ‘Mercedes Benz CLA.”  Perhaps Kate Upton is all new to you.  But a car with four wheels and an engine most certainly isn’t.

Actually, Ms. Upton, who is certainly not the worst person to ogle, doesn’t wash the car, all-new or otherwise. She supervises it like a foreman supervising a one man crew installing a traffic light in the desert.

A bunch of guys in all new sports-like jerseys do the actual dirty work.  (Actual clean work?)

It’s a nice looking if dull little car.  It’s a nice looking if dull sultry siren.

“All New” is the new “New and improved.”

Every soap, detergent, flour, frozen vegetable, motor oil, adhesive bandage, headache remedy, cat or dog food, MP3 player, cracker, bread loaf, ballpoint or felt tip pen, flea powder, potato chip, salad oil, disposable diaper, clear wrap, aluminum foil, paper plate, nail polish, nail polish remover, sanitary napkin, paint, window cleaner and light bulb has worn that label at one time or another.

And rarely do you notice any change.  You’ve been using Oxydol since it sponsored “Aunt Jenny’s True Life Stories” in 1946.  You’ve read at least every two years that it’s new and improved.  Is your laundry any cleaner?  Probably not.

The ultimate in “all new”-ness is an all new plant.  These are generally hybrids of some kind or genetically modified.  Today’s latest rose or carnation isn’t anything close to all new.

We could call this Wessay all new because it covers a subject never before seen in these pages.  But in fact, while the subject is to this web address, the structure is not.  The format is not.  And the device of using a sentence that runs more than 60 words to provide a list of things (paragraph starts “Every soap, detergent, flour...”) made regular appearance here and in here’s predecessor at least 10 years ago, if not longer.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

1213 The Neptune Summit

1213 The Neptune Summit

It’s at the Neptune Diner on Classon Avenue in Crown Heights, Brooklyn.  The participants are Ralphy from Flatbush and Sergei from Brighton Beach.

They gather here from time to time to discuss business.  Usually, it’s a breakfast time when it’s really busy and their conversations get lost in the background noise, or in the small hours of the morning when there aren’t many customers and they can get a booth in a far corner.  Same reason.

Ralphy is a shoemaker with a little store on Church Avenue.  Sergei says he’s in the import export business.  Just a couple of businessmen from Brooklyn.

There are rumors, and they’re only rumors, that these gentlemen are what they call in certain circles “connected.” And when they meet, they are often followed by clean cut young men in well pressed white shirts, rep ties and dark suits.

The thinking among the suits is that these guys may have … um … associates in Italian and Russian organized crime which we all know doesn’t exist.

Nevertheless, the discussion this morning is about what some ignorant souls believe are competitors or maybe colleagues.

Whitey Bulger is the main topic.

Bulger is the Boston gangster who was just convicted of 31 counts and will be given what amounts to a life sentence, which at age 83.9 could be anything from a week to a couple of years.

Sergei:  This guy was a flat out punk.

Ralphy: Yeah.  Killing women and children just because they could.  Robbery.  Dirty loans.

S: We don’t do loans.  But if we do, they’re straight up.

R: We do the same, only when we get deadbeats, we pay them friendly reminder visits.  This gavone, Bulger, gives our thing a bad name.

S:  Sometimes we have to be unfriendly.  But we always start with a smile, a joke and a glass of tea or vodka.  And we run some classy women.

R: Good they made the streets of Boston safe for the rest of us.  Ever been there?

S: Nah.  I just stick close to home.  The Neptune is about as far as I stray.

R: Strange city.

The topic then turns to payday loans.

R: Was a good business in the old days.  We’d operate out of candy stores and luncheonettes.  The new breed makes us look like a charity.

S:  Did you see where the state is going after that Western Sky outfit.  Three hundred percent interest?  We never do anything that big.

R: Well, they’re on an Indian reservation and those are considered separate countries.

S: If they are Indians then I’m a Japanese papoose.

R: Yeah, well, they have an office on a reservation somewhere.  And then there’s that guy Montel Williams, does ads for Money Mutual.

S: “My fellow African Americans, contact Money Mutual and we’ll put a grand in your checking account overnight.”

R: Yeah, that’s what he says.  And you’ll be paying that off for longer than … well, there are guys that hang out in my shop sometimes and they talk about lending.  But they’re not as harsh as the TV lenders.

S:  The only thing, these loan sharks are trouts but they have figured out ways to suck money right out of customers’ bank accounts.  Like putting a straw in a Pepsi! Wish we could do that.  Would save a lot of friendly visits.

R: Yeah.  Any messages for my good friends across town?

S: Nope.  You?

R: None today.

They shake hands.  Each puts a 20 on the table and they walk out separately.

After which a guy in a well pressed white shirt with a rep tie and a dark suit walks over to their table and pockets one of the twenties.

Could be evidence, you never know.

I’m Wes Richards. My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

1212 I Don't Know

1212 I Don’t Know

It’s one of the most useful phrases in the English language.  But some people just don’t like to hear it.

A simple phrase.  Three little words.  Honest.  An admission of ignorance.  Impossible to misunderstand.

When someone asks you something you don’t know, what are you supposed to do, make up an answer?

(Actually, you can make it a four word expression if you like to give flowery, elaborate answers.  Start the phrase one word earlier by inserting “ummm” or “uh.”)

“Where did you put my autographed picture of Eydie Gorme?”

“I don’t know.”

Admitting you don’t know is better than making up an answer like “I think it’s in the drawer with the good silver” or “Oh, was that your picture?”

“When is your doctor appointment?”

“I don’t know.”

You can weasel around that one by saying “I have it on the calendar. I’ll have to look.”  But that’s almost the same thing.

People are forever asking you stuff you don’t know.  And those same people are forever rejecting “I don’t know.”  Somehow, some of us are supposed to be universal donors of data or information or both.  

Most of us aren’t.

Sometimes you can answer a question by saying “look it up on the internet” or even “I’ll look it up on the internet for you.” This is especially handy when the question is along the lines of “how long does it take to get to Baltimore?” Or “What’s the population of Monaco?”  Or even “When did people stop going to barbers for medical surgery?”

Unfortunately, though, most questions aren’t about stuff like that.

Some people are reluctant to use “I don’t know.”  They feel it makes them look inadequate, unprepared. Maybe even stupid.

These people do not understand that education and research cure ignorance, but nothing cures stupid.

Albert Einstein, reputed to be the world’s biggest brain during his lifetime, was something of an absent minded professor.  When he was called to task for using the phrase, he replied that he didn’t need to clutter his brain with trivia as long as he knew where and how to find an answer.

If “I don’t know” was good enough for Einstein, it should be good enough for us lesser beings.

Shrapnel:

--There seems a big push to run Hillary Clinton for president, and that’s not the worst thing that could happen.  But more than likely, the first woman president will be a Republican, not a Democrat.  Let’s just hope that it’s not someone like Palin or Bachmann or Laura Ingraham.

--Only in America can a rodeo clown dress up as the president -- Obama mask and all -- and draw cheers from the crowd when the announcer asks “who wants to see Obama trampled.”  Looks like the folks at the Missouri State Fair forgot that rodeo clowns are supposed to protect fallen riders from the bull, not throw the bull.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

1211 Everyone Talks About the Weather

1211 Everyone Talks About the Weather

No, this is not about climate change.  But it’s not a bad starting point for talking about the middle east. (1)

Scientists point out that weather and climate are not the same.  Climate is a description of general conditions.  It’s mostly hot in the tropics; mostly cold at the poles.  Weather is what’s happening now and what’s expected in the near future.

Climate change deniers point out that we’ve had a lot of cold weather and that turns global warming into a lie.  It doesn’t. And they say that overall change in atmospheric and water temperatures are measurable only in fractions of degrees.

Fractions count.

Now, let’s put this on the ground in places like Syria, Jordan, Lebanon, Iraq, Iran, Turkey and Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Libya and Algeria, Afghanistan and Pakistan.  Throw in Israel and that adds wind to the hurricane/Sandstorm/drought/flood.

A pretty big storm is raging over the region right now.  But when the clouds clear, what’s the climate like? Well, it’s not exactly a vacation paradise.  And that’s unlikely to change.  It’s been a hotbed of hot head conflict for millennia.

These countries can hold a century long fight about whether to use a toothbrush and then in which hand to hold it and which quadrant of the mouth to start.  And they can take a conflict like that into the streets where people who don’t care about quadrants or hands die in large numbers.

This is a very bad attempt at population control and it doesn’t work.  Because when the lights are out and there’s no job and little food, the only thing left to do is make more babies.

It’s like everyone gets up every morning and first thing comes to mind is “which neighbor do I hate most today?”

This is generally followed by the morning checklist.

Gun?  Check.

Ammo?  Check.

Target? Ummm... I’ll guess we’ll just exit the tent or what’s left of the house and fire at random.

Israel will moon the “palestinians” by building settlements.  Muslim Brotherhooders and army troops will get out the guns and go after one another.  Syrian rebels and the government troops will haul out the weapons and take target practice.  Saudi Arabia will send the Wahhabi message coursing through the arteries of the region.

Iran will continue to build its nuke force.

This-all ain’t weather, it’s climate.

Shrapnel (fighting fire with public relations edition):

--Hospitals with bad rankings in the Consumer Reports Magazine surgical and post-surgical screwup ratings are striking back with campaigns to kill the messenger.  And while you’re at it, kill the statistical methodology.  The louder the ads, the less believable.

--Car companies with bad ratings in the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety crash tests are eager to tell you that they meet or exceed Federal crash standards. This from a bunch of people, foreign and domestic, who ordinarily don’t have any use for government other than for bailouts.  Same bunch that doesn’t want any regulation at all.

--The New York Times is out with a strong statement.  Essentially, it says in plain English the paper is not for sale.  That’s what they all say just before they sell.

1. Convention says Middle East is capitalized. Wes-Says doesn't.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

1210 In the Name of National Security

1210 In the Name of National Security

A police car pulls over a motorist for speeding.  “You know how fast you were going, son?”  “Yes, officer I was going 79 miles an hour in a 55 mph zone, but I was doing it as a matter of national security.” “Oh,” says the cop “I wish you had told us earlier.  Sorry to bother you, sir.  Have a nice day.”

“I can’t discuss Watergate with you reporters because it’s a matter of national security.” -- R.M. Nixon

The first paragraph is a flight of fancy. The second actually happened.

All this to say that national security has long been the cover for the end product of a bull’s lunch.

Throwing a tarp over misdeeds and trickery is nothing new. But now they can cloak it in the mantle of high tech and do whatever they’re doing out of the public eye.  Not that the public much cares.

And in the age of deregulation, expect the national security excuse to be privatized.  “No, sir.  We can’t tell you when we’ll get our next shipment of cilantro.  It’s a matter of national security.”

“Airline passenger complaint statistics?  We can’t give you that information.  National security, and all.”

“Auto crash tests results? No way, man, we don’t want the terrorists to know which cars to buy or steal.”

And in family matters:

“Which one of you broke this bowl?”  “We’re sorry mom, but that’s on a need to know basis.  Matter of national security.”

“You were out bowling?  Why do you smell of perfume?  Is that lipstick on your collar?” “I’m sorry, dear.  I can’t talk about that.  National security.”

“Who made this mess on the kitchen floor.” “Arf arf. Woof. (translation... well, you know.)

If even a dog can use national security as cover for using the floor as a bathroom. Barkey malarkey.

Shrapnel:

--A day or so after the New York Times unloaded the Boston Globe on Red Sox owner John Henry, the Washington Post unloaded itself on Jeff Bezos, founder of amazon.com.  Bezos -- like any new owner -- says he’s not going to fool with what the paper means to its readers both in and out of government.  Still a good deal because the Graham family no longer has ink in its veins.

--So have the sales of the Globe and the Post paved the way for Mike Bloomberg to buy the New York Times when he’s out of work after the first of the year.  No one’s saying for sure.  There are as many reasons for him to buy or not buy, but if he wants to, he’s certainly able to.

--Australia’s Anthony Weiner is Peter Dowling, now former chairman of the ethics committee who sent a x-rated picture of himself to a woman claiming to be his mistress.  Dowling did the right thing by resigning.  Are you listening, Anthony?

Note to readers:  I have been sufficiently drawn and quartered for leaving Ted Williams out of my list of Boston Red Sox greats and including Bucky Dent. (Wessay #1209.)  Omitting Williams was a dumb oversight.  I remain committed to leaving Dent on the list.   Major league baseball stirs passions and  produces “experts” beyond any other team sport, largely because there’s plenty of downtime between the top of the first and the bottom of the ninth or tenth or 15th to contemplate and discuss.

An amateur who is not an expert is likely to infuriate someone over something.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013

1209 John Henry

1209 John Henry

John Henry was a steel-drivin’ man.  That’s the John Henry of the folksong.  Modern technology in the form of a steam drill threatens to overtake and superannuate his hand work, but he wins a drilling contest to the joy of his friends, family, fellow steelworkers and hundreds of guitar pickers.

The modern John Henry is a businessman.  He owns the Red Sox baseball team of Boston and soon also the Globe newspaper of the same town.

In baseball, he is both the hand worker and the steam drill.  Let’s see what he can do with one of America’s few remaining great newspapers which he bought from the New York Times at a firesale price, $70 million.

The Times spent more than one billion dollars to buy the Globe 20 years ago.  Talk about discounts!  Still, 70 million is a lot of loot to put into something that old fashioned and in a business which when it isn’t shooting itself in the foot is rolling into the sea like a herd of lemmings followed by an avalanche.

Let’s look at what he did at the Red Sox; why he’s both the hand worker and the steam drill.

The Sox started with a bang in 1901.  You couldn’t beat them for love nor money until 1920 when they traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees.  Curse of the Bambino, some call it.

Though they had their greats -- Yastrzemski, Fisk, Boggs, Clemens, Dent -- life was iffy at Fenway Park until 2002 when Henry and his partners bought the team.

It’s been pretty good since then.  Good to the point that the fake rivalry with the Yankees turned real.   

Henry remodeled Fenway, tiny by major league standards and sold out nearly every game.  Quite a feat even with a low capacity park and easy access to games on TV.

He brought in the right people at the right prices at the right times.

The Globe needs no such renovation.  But the newspaper industry on the whole does.  The Globe has a formidable internet presence and one that apparently makes money.  Good potential, but not yet enough revenue.

Although it recently lost its top editor, it has a strong bench... stronger than the Red Sox had in ‘02... either ‘02.

It knows what to do in a crisis.  No one covered the Marathon bombings as well.  Nearly as well.  It knows what to do when there isn’t a crisis.  It has some of the best front office officials in sports.  It has fine pitching and catching staffs.  It has a brilliant and storied history.

But it’s still a newspaper.  And that’s not the best thing to be in the digital age.

The other John Henry “died with a hammer in his hand.”  Let’s hope the current name holder when he eventually dies wasn’t beaten by the digital steam drill either.

Shrapnel:

--John Palmer’s picture should be in the dictionary next to “Gracious.”  When he died last Saturday at 77, the world of reporting lost one of its most prominent and best voices. Even in retirement, he brought class to the TV screen with reports on networks far less important or widely seen than NBC, his home for so many years.

--John brought class and the solidity of a diamond to a medium that had become stuffed with what his onetime colleague David Brinkley called “sensation seeking journalists.”  As a viewer, we always heard the ring of truth in his reports.  As a co-worker, we looked forward to co-working with a no nonsense man with superstar status, a rare bird in the world of TV.

I’m Wes Richards.  My opinions are my own but you’re welcome to them. ®

Please address comments to wesrichards@gmail.com

© WJR 2013