Friday, September 29, 2006

Not A Good Sign

143 Not a Good Sign

I.

It’s not a good sign when you can’t remove the glued-on label from the non-stick surface of the frying pan.

Let’s see. First, try peeling it off.

Nope.

Okay. A little gentle scraping with a finger nail.

Nope.

Maybe some water and a sponge?

Nope.

How about boiling it off?

Nope.

Vinegar and lemon juice?

Nope.

They sure make good label glue these days.

How you supposed to cook with this?

Use anything rougher, like Brillo, and you’ll remove more non-stick surface than you will label glue. “That can be fatal to your health,” explained Walt, who knows his cooking. “Y’ don’t wanna be cooking with busted Teflon. Gets into your blood… you know—like lead poisoning.”

Walt is a leading anti-lead activist. He was the first guy to try unleaded gasoline in his 56 Packard, even though he didn’t have to.

“Get the Lead Out!” That was Walt’s motto back then.

Now, he may be the country’s first Anti Teflon Activist.

It’s not that he doesn’t like Teflon. It’s just that he sees its dangers, perhaps more vividly than others.

Presenting the label problem to Walt wasn’t easy. You can never find an anti-teflon activist when you need one.

But once on the case, Walt cannot be moved.

“Take the thing back,” he counsels. “Don’t let those bozos fill you with chemicals. We don’t know what’s in that glue. What happens if you slip a coupl-a burgers on the fire one day… and you come back with beef and glue!”

Maybe that’s the way to get the label off.

Or not.

Where was this label glue when we needed it?

The Teflon President, the Teflon Don. Coulda used some of that glue in their day.

Does Walt want to ban Teflon? Is he trying to work up a class action lawsuit? He gets cagy when you ask: “That’s a tough question,” he answers. Then when you try to rephrase, “do you think there’s money in this problem?” he smiles a little and repeats “That’s a tough question.”

II.

It’s not a good sign when the leaves turn red in August.

What will be left for the legions of people who wait for early autumn and take those “leaf tours?”

The tourism business here in Amish Country and up northeast in Payton Place Country will be devastated.

The legions of would be toured must be lured else-wise.

Hey, how about this: Slot machines.

Now there’s an idea whose time has gone.

You say they’re trying that in Pennsylvania but the Jersey guys oppose it?

Of course they oppose it. It’ll drain off a ton of business. And it’s only one step away from putting in Roulette wheels and blackjack tables.

For a change, the local Holy Rollers don’t seem to care. But the Teflon Don’s successors sure do.

III.

It’s not a good sign when the couple across the street alternates use of the house. He arrives, she leaves. She arrives, he leaves.

Kind-a like Bill and Hillary. If she were honest back when he was in office, and they asked her why she stayed with him, she would have said “because he’s the f___ing President of the United States, dummy.”

If he were honest when he was in office and was asked why he stayed with her, he would have said “because I’m the f___ing President of the United States, dummy.”

There’s a similar situation in the late summer of 2006 with the Republican candidate for Attorney General of New York, who talked with the disgraced former Police Commissioner, now a private investigator, about eavesdropping on her husband, whom she presumed was cheating on her.

They asked her whether it happened and she started ranting about the “only felony in this case” being the leak of a federal report on it. Why does she stay with him? “…because he’s a good father.”

Somehow, that doesn’t ring true.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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