Friday, September 22, 2006

Occupied Pluto

140 Occupied Pluto, ZIP Code 134340

Yeah, ZIP codes are supposed to have five digits, not six. But Occupied Pluto is a special case. Gets special treatment from the Post Office.

They’ll still deliver mail to “Pluto,” but you’d better have that code on the envelope.

Pluto, the former ninth planet is now the eighth dwarf. Very Disney.

That number they want to give it? Maybe it isn’t a ZIP Code. Maybe it’s a prisoner’s number.

Pluto Held Hostage. Isn’t that how “Nightline” got started?

So, these Great Men of Science have decided they can big foot the whole history of the planet, make almost 80 years of history go away with a vote? A VOTE?

Why don’t we have a vote about THESE guys.

Already typical Plutonian merchandise is showing up on store shelves marked “made in 134340.”

We are asking interplanetary trade authorities to allow the marking “Made In Occupied Pluto.” We are also printing bumper stickers that say “Free the Captive Dwarf” and “Free Pluto.”

It’s maddening.

Try to get a phone call through.

“Verizon Operator may I help you?”

“Yes, what’s the area code for Pluto, please?”

“Pluto? Is that near Nicaragua? I’m sorry, sir we don’t show an area code for Pluto.”

“Well, what about an area code for 134340, although that might be the ZIP Code.”

“Area codes have three digits, sir. They don’t start with ‘1,’ so there must be some mistake. I can look up 343 or 434 or 340 for you.”


Okay, just dial the phone number, then. 011 134340 1 888 Planet9.

“You have reached a non working number in 134340. Please check the number and dial again. And thank you for using the new AT&T.

We were about to establish a new base of operations there. Somewhere where we could torture terrorists with impunity.

In fact, they’d just collected the speeches of the President and Vice President for that use. Listening to Bush’s obscene-phone-caller whisper and Cheney’s somnambulistic drone for half an hour would have sent Osama begging for and end and willing to spill his guts if only they’d stop playing the recordings.

But, alas, we’ll have to continue “not altering” the Geneva Conventions and finding friendly, earth bound places to play the speeches to the terrorists.

NASA still wants to go to Pluto…. Or 340 as it’s becoming known to its friends and fellow dwarf planets.

And we’ll surely get there.

But one thing’s for sure. Plutonians aren’t happy about this. We may have started a new cold war. Next time we visit, expect an icy reception.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2006 WJR

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