173 Hawks & Doves
Ask anyone at the Pentagon: winning wars ain’t easy. And we haven’t been too good at it lately.
Here’s another one they can’t win. It’s at the recruiting station in
This dufus from
The recruiters of
Okay, so the deal is to get rid of the pigeons at the recruiting booth. And here comes Amityville Dufus with the best of the 40 machines the
Amityville has this machine, which is really an iPod with four loudspeakers attached. Guy’s got on a haz-mat suit. Goes up his ladder to the roof. Attaches the iPod with the four loudspeakers. Turns the thing on. Climbs down the ladder. Gets out of the haz-mat suit. Tells the Army guy the pigeons will be gone by .
The loudspeakers play the sounds of pigeons getting beat up by hawks and owls. The pigeons hear this and they’re supposed to get scared and leave. Instead, they move to the other side of the roof where there are no loudspeakers.
The Army guy calls Amityville Dufus. Dufus tells the Army guy to “stay the course.”
Now it’s about and the iPod owls are hooting and the iPod hawks are cackling and the pigeons are having diner. Popcorn from a
The Army guy calls Amityville Dufus again. “Insurgents,” says Dufus. But he has the answer. He’ll add two more speakers and “…your troubles will be over by tomorrow.”
Next morning, here comes Amityville, again. He’s back in
The Army guy says “Four? Four? My Jeep has eight, and this thing can’t take six?”
Amityville suggests installing spikes on the roof. The spikes are plastic. The pigeons don’t know from spikes. They wedge between them and bend them out of the way. The pigeons of
They DO know from tourists from
The NYPD has a special undercover anti-pigeon unit called “the Hawks.” It has the worst arrest statistics in town. Espeically since they had to turn in their glocks. Something about shooting only brown birds.
Rumsfeld once sent a memo on pigeons at recruiting stations. And he wanted to establish a commission to investigate. No one read any of Rumsfeld’s memos.
Pete Seeger wrote a pigeons’ rights song. The pigeons attacked his banjo when he tried to perform it. Pete had no popcorn. And pigeons don’t like banjos, which can scare off an audience – but not a bird.
Pete brought along a dove, which is really only a white pigeon. The NYPD hawk squad tried to kill it to prove that it didn’t just kill brown birds. They Tasered it, and then the pigeons ate it. Cannibals. But what can you do when there’s no popcorn.
I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.
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