Monday, May 14, 2007

Blimplants

241 Blimplants

Is there a way they can do the opposite of those stomach-stapling operations? This is a case of stomach envy. Most of the men around here and many of the women have these immense figures. Those of us who are merely chubby are hurting. We feel out of style, out of fashion, out of sorts and out of not enough of our clothing.

Wasn’t there an outfit that did stomach implants? Was that in “Parade” or “Modern Cyclist?” or “Pro Wrestling Digest,” of Fatty Fashionista Monthly?” And was it an article or was it an ad?

All attempts at acquiring this look naturally have failed. Living at McDonald’s (even though Zagat’s gave Wendy’s a much better rating except for the fries,) stopping all planned exercise, drinking large quantities of bad local beer have not turned the trick.

How many bags of Fritos can you eat and not gain enough weight to make a difference?

The Big Men’s Dept. at Whale-Mart is beckoning, but thus far, the call must go unanswered. It’s a lonely feeling. Said department is a rallying point for all the guys with big bellies.

Some of them are even skinny – except around the middle. This is truly painful. And none will share his or her secret.

Investigators have gone stalking at mealtime, spying on restaurant (especially fast food restaurant) patrons. They’ve done the peeping Tom routine at houses and trailers where the Large People live – especially around dinner time.

There is no way to tell.

The Blimplant is the last hope. A survey of doctors and hospitals typically results in a reaction like “you want to do WHAT? You must be nuts.”

Not even do they get to the very first question in any medical conversation: “Who’s your insurer?” Not with this one. Nope. Just “…you must be nuts.”

This may be barking up the wrong tree. Maybe Blimplants aren’t the answer. Maybe this should be part of the organ donor program.

“This is Stonewall County Hospital, sir. We have found a donor match for that new stomach and we’d like you to come in for some tests.”

Excellent! Too bad some poor 40 year old fool with a colossal midsection had to be up on that ladder fixing his leaders and gutters during a thunderstorm. Here’s hoping he went easy.

But, do you have any idea how humiliating it is to not be “one of the boys” at this advanced age? How lonely? It’s like being shunned or even excommunicated. Where is Father Damian when you need him? Or the Saranac Lake Sanitarium?

If misery truly DOES love company there should be a place for us.

In the meantime, it’s off to McDonald’s. They have a special today on Big Macs. Buy one, get one free. Probably buy three or four to get six or eight. Plus a large decaf. One can’t be too careful about one’s health, after all.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

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