Friday, May 18, 2007

Moving Targets

243 Moving Targets

What is it about this woman that she has to move everything that isn’t nailed down… and even some stuff that is?

Just when you get used to seeing the kitchen clock to the right of the sink, she moves it to the left. No sooner have you gotten used to the new spot, when it lands somewhere else.

There are clocks in the bathroom, the bedroom, the basement, the living room. They don’t stay still for long.

It makes the change from Standard to Daylight time a hunting expedition.

Dining room placemats aren’t in the dining room. They started in a little sun room at the back of the house. Now, they’re in the kitchen. It’s been a month, and it’s just now getting easier to remember where they are instead of heading for the previous location and then thinking “oh, yeah. They’re in the kitchen now.”

About the only things that haven’t moved are the ones that were inconveniently located in the first place. Like the hair dryer. It’s under one of the two bathroom sinks. But not the sink of the user. No. It’s under the sink of the bald guy who doesn’t have any hair to dry. No room under her sink.

Around here, we wear slippers in the house, so as not to dirty the floors with street shoes.

Where are the street shoes? In the closet on the second floor. Or in the rack in the garage. Depends on the day. Sometimes on the hour.

This from someone whose motto is “always put stuff back in the same place so you’ll know where it is when you need it.”

Physician, heal theyself.

This said after a nightlong hunt for a set of keys.

The bedroom, normally orderly and spotless, was chaos. Boxes of jewelry were spread all over. Boxes and drawers were open and emptied. It looked like a cross between a burglary and the bargain bin at Costco the night after the annual clearance sale.

“Please check your handbag.”

“Sure. In a minute.” (rummage, rumamage.)

“May I check the drawers?” “Sure.”

(rummage, rummage.)

“Did you check your handbag?”

“I never put them there, but, yes, I will. In a minute.”

“How about in your winter coats? (does anyone need 16 winter coats?)

“I never leave them there, but you can go look.”

(rummage, rummage, rummage, rummage.)

“Did you check your handbag?”

“Not yet.”

(Rummage, rummage.)

“Might they be in the car?”

“No. And I won’t be able to sleep until I find them!”

“Did you check your handbag?”

“I will.”

“May I do it?”

“Sure.”

(rummage, rummage.)

“I think they’re stolen.”

“No one would steal your keys. Did you look in your handbag?”

“No. But I will. Just another minute.

“Did you drop them somewhere?”

“No. and can you help me lift this crate out of the closet?”

“Sure. What’s in it?”

“Handbags.”

(Who needs 32 handbags? Practically every woman alive.)

(Rummage, rummage.)

“Oh, here they are!” (in the 28th handbag.)

Everything in its place.

Remember that. Otherwise, you’ll misplace stuff.

Unlike us.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR

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