Cosmetic Brain Surgery

#315 Cosmetic Brain Surgery

It’s the wave of the future. It’s bigger than Botox, Lasic eye surgry; even those press-on nails kind of thingies they put on your teeth to make you look younger. And it leaves ordinary plastic surgery in the dust – in the stone age.

Ever see a brain? Really ugly. A mass of gelatinous goo held together by a thin skin.

It’s not like your brain is on display anywhere. No one really sees it. But the cosmetic brain surgeons have a workaround for that. Instead of replacing the chunk of your skull they remove for the operation, they install a transparent carbon fiber cover. Thus, you can show the world your newly redecorated brain.

For those who want less than “the works,” you can have this done one lobe at a time. Pretty up the goo and show it off to friend and foe alike.

If you are reputed to be the neighborhood halfwit, you can prove conclusively that you are not. That’s a whole brain under that transparent cranium.

And if the prettied up brain ever shows signs of reverting to form, you can go in for a quick and easy lobe lift. The easily removable poly carbon yarmulke can be set aside, the lift accomplished in under two hours and the topper replaced, good as new.

Right now, these procedures are the exclusive purview of the Park Avenue brain surgeons. But no worries. Some of the lower priced medical services are already working on their own versions.

Instead of Park & 72^nd, you’ll soon be able to go to Super 8 Surgical Suites or Hilton Garden Hospitals or even Gas’n’Go fuel station-convenience store and surgery centers throughout the Northeast and Upper Midwest.

One caution, though. There are side effects. In the latest FDA study, some patients have shown a predisposition to hallucination, constipation, nausea, sleeplessness, heart arrhythmia, headache, neuritis and neuralgia.

Well, that’s not exactly ONE caution, now is it?

Also, most health insurance plans don’t cover this stuff. But that’s a small price to pay for the self-esteem building pleasure that comes from a cosmetically enhanced brain.

But wait. There’s more. If you really ARE the neighborhood half-wit, you can get a new, saline enhanced brain implant to go with your lobe lift. You won’t be any smarter, but you’ll have what appears to be a normally large brain instead of that skimpy little pile of neurons you’re waltzing around with now.

If implants are good for your smile and for other parts of your anatomy, why not upstairs, where the real action is (or would be if you weren’t said halfwit.)

Poor scarecrow. If he were only alive today, he wouldn’t have had to make the long, tedious, and apparently dangerous trip to the Emerald City. He could just head off for Surgery Suites by Marriott, and have the whole thing done right near home.

There’s a long list of candidates for this stuff, largely ignored. People who need this service aren’t generally aware it’s out there.

I'm Wes Richards, my opinions are my own, but you're welcome to them.

(c) 2007 WJR